Just a bit or a rant if anyone can relate or has something to offer...I really need to get over this or get more comfortable somehow so that I can start living my life... But I have major anxiety around physical intimacy, specifically kissing and sex, and I don’t know how to get over it. I feel stuck in a catch-22 where I’m depressed that I haven’t been more sexually active, but I’m way too anxious to become sexually active. It is a tormenting cycle and I’m really struggling to find a way out. Before I started coming out, I never really thought about myself being in sexual situations, it just wasn’t a part of my life, so I didn’t worry about it. But now for the first time that there is a possibility of being with someone sexually, the possibility of dating, I obsessively worry about what that will look like for me and I can’t shake negative thoughts. My anxiety is triggered by my lack of sexual experience and also being judged or mocked by other gay guys for being too uptight or prude or not aggressive enough. I feel like women would be more likely to understand sexual anxieties than men would be. It so goes against the grain of guys being wanting it all the time and sex being a casual thing, especially in the gay community. I hate that intimacy is such a major, major source of discomfort and stress for me and that I’m scared to explore it. I’ve been seeing a therapist and discussing all of this for 2+ months with him now, but the anxiety around intimacy is still very much real and there. My therapist has suggested beginning medication to help cope as I continue to work through this. I’d like to feel comfortable enough to date and explore sexually, come out to more people, and just get on with my life, but I’m struggling to find inner peace and get rid of the worry and feelings of inferiority.
In your post you make a few references to needing to feel less anxious before you can start dating. Maybe start exploring the possibility of dating with exactly as much anxiety as you have right now? Invite it come with you as you explore? Obviously you dont *want* the anxiety to come with you, but it sounds like.it's not.going anywhere, so maybe just bring it with you? I sincerely hope this isn't reading as dismissive or assholeish. I really do this with my own anxiety and/or depression at times. It sounds a little like this in my head "well come along with me then, if you must, you little f!#=." And I can assure you that it never actually feels "little" to me at these times, but imagining it as an unwanted.entity that is traveling with me some how helps. Sometimes. ---------- Post added 7th Jan 2016 at 08:47 PM ---------- Oh, and when I do this, usually, a giant wad of thoughts telling me all about the terrible things that will happen if I go ahead and do it anyway pop up. I invite those little f#=!&$= along for the ride too.
I have anxiety as well. I can't give you much advice, but I can give you support. I'm in the same catch-22 and its pretty brutal. Scared of dating, sex, everything. i don't know how dating and sex works in the gay community because i haven't experienced it. But maybe if you told a date upfront about your worries, they might put you at ease. it sounds childish to blurt out such things right off the bat, but who knows, raw honesty could be a turn on for the other guy, and it may alert him to your sensitivity on the subject. And in my opinion, nobody should mock you for being yourself. be well ---------- Post added 7th Jan 2016 at 09:22 PM ---------- Yeehaw you're on point. good advice
Yeehaw's suggestion of bringing those little f*&&# along with you are hilariously spot on. I suffer from anxiety, too. I'm pretty sure most of the world does. We're a fast paced society, brain's gotta be fast paced, too - right?! To give you a picture, though. I can make myself so anxious and panicked (super rare for it to happen anymore) that I've made myself faint. Literally pass out. That's embarrassing anxiety. Instead of medication, unless you really do need to go on it (I just think offering it first for anxiety over sex and dating is a little premature, but I'm not a Dr.), why don't you ask your therapist to work on cognitive behavior therapies to help you cope with your anxiety. I have to bring my anxiety with me everywhere, but I've learned to control it for the most part. I certainly feel it, but I just ride the wave out, do things to take my mind off of it, and go about my business. Since you're having anxiety over sex because of your inexperience, a great way to combat it would be to get some experience. Go out on some dates. See what it's all about and see if it's all that scary. Sex can always make you a little nervous. It's super intimate and a new experience, but that's why it's lovely to have that experience with someone you really care about, who also cares about you. Then you can be as anxious as you want, and not feel so bad about it. Things can seem big and crazy until you've done it and realize it's not that bad. Think of anxiety as this overreactive person who jumps to the worst conclusions immediately without any rational thought. Would you listen to that person? Try to dismiss it. Another thing I do with myself is check ins on my thoughts surrounding the situation, and if they're rational. Hopefully I can make a good example of what I mean by that. Thought: I want to have sex with this person, but I've never had sex, so I don't want to do it because they'll think there's something wrong with me/I'll be bad at it/I don't know what to do or If I'm doing anything correctly. Check ins: • Is this actually true? • Is there actually something wrong with me? • Will I get hurt if I don't know what I'm doing exactly? • Will this person get mad at me if I feel nervous? • Would I care to be with someone if they did get mad at me over feeling nervous or inexperienced? • Do I want to have sex with this person? • What is the worst that could happen if I do get nervous and don't know what I'm doing? I'm not sure that was a good example, but they're just some questions to combat that inner voice that's blowing things out of proportion. Just know that you're not the only one at your age who doesn't have any or much sexual experience. And know that most people are nervous to have sex with anyone for the first time, even in every new sexual situation. I know that the next person I date, I'm going to be nervous before we do anything. It's totally natural and normal to feel that way. Also know that everybody has sex differently, so there's no one size fits all, and it's pretty much a new experience every time. With every new partner, you're learning a different way that someone likes to be pleased. Just make sure you're with someone who is good to you, that you care about, and feel comfortable with so you can be yourself. And be safe!!
Yesterday I met a guy and we spent the whole afternoon cuddling, talking, hugging and kissing, and a small amount of Oral Sex. And HONESTLY... It felt WAY BETTER than other days I spend large amounts of time having penetrative Sex. Use dating Apps, Webpages or whatever stating clearly "I wanna go SLOWLY, Cuddle and Talk" and stuff like that, so that you get to know people slowly and be more secure about yourself. There is A LOT of people in the same situation, you just gotta find people that doesnt wanna go too fast, just RELAX and CHILL. And sorry, English is not my first language. Hopefully you get my meaning.
The thought-experiment that yeahpIdk gave you above is excellent, as it challenges your beliefs about what the future may hold. Nevertheless, this still keeps you a little too focused on the future. When I have something scary going on; some date, or some other challenging event coming up, I try to forget about the future and focus, laser-like, on the present. If we are truly awake to our present moment, if we really try to be aware of all that is going on around us, right at this very moment, we may be able to forget about living in an uncertain future and focus on the almost overwhelming variety of things that are going on right now: what you are seeing, the way your body feels, what your five senses are perceiving, the people you are interacting with, your work, doing the dishes, whatever...just put all of your focus on that. I guarantee you that taking in what happens in a single day, a single hour or a single minute will more than help you "forget" about your future...and if you have a date, and if sex happens, then put all of your focus on each and every moment of delight and exploration, focus again on how you feel in that moment, let Nature take its course, forget about "performance" or whether you are good enough. Remember also that your partner may be struggling with the very same anxieties which could be alleviated somewhat by your own deep presence and attention. Be present in that moment, it really is all you will ever truly have.
Thanks a lot for all the responses. Yes, YeahIdk that thought process is helpful, and I've definitely heard the whole "riding the wave" of anxiety thing before instead of trying to fight it or suppress it. Anxiety also sucks because it kills libido. I already have low libido to begin with, and haven't felt like I've had any kind of sex drive in months. It would certainly be ideal to find a partner who was understanding or could relate to my situation. My ideal (but probably less likely) would to be to date someone who also came out around my age and is new to all of this as well. I'm really not one to turn to medicine to solve all the problems - but this fear just has its grip on me and has for some time now. I feel like it controls me at times, and I think in the short term, medication may be worth a shot. I'm actually going on my first date ever with a guy on Saturday. Weirdly, we already chatted online about our views on sex and intimacy and there seems to be some compatibility there (and in other areas too of course). Nervous, but looking forward to it. Thank you all again for taking the time to write back.
I think it's perfectly normal to feel apprehensive about intimacy after first coming out. I know I am experiencing it - been out about 4 months now. I just remind myself that, like YeahpIdk says, being anxious isn't going to kill me and fumbling around during sex isn't the end of the world. It happens to the best of us, even after we've been with someone awhile. Sometimes, it's just messy and uncoordinated. Take it slow, go out a few times before expecting to have sex and let the intimacy and desire build slowly and naturally. Once you get comfortable with the other person the intimacy and sex will flow from that, not the other way around. Good luck on your date. My first one is tonight. ;-)
I actually find the lack of experience, the awkwardness during the first few times (and maybe even later!) kind of adorable in its own way. You could either figure it out together with that person, or they will lead you. Intimacy should be something to be enjoyed, it's not a contest where the goal is your performance. You don't have to live up to someone's expectation (or your own). I think the only people who will judge you are those that are crazy about hookups and sex. No one in their right mind would like someone enough to have sex with them, then judge the person just because they are new to sex. And even if anxiety kicks in, they will help you get over it, maybe on the first try, or second, or third. The point is, if you trust the guy enough to be with him and get to this point, he'll be loving and understanding. So don't worry.
I totally understand as Ive found myself in similar situations. I find that anxieties are reflections of fear. Something that has helped me A LOT are fear meditations. There's alot of them online if you google them. I encourage you to find one you like and do it often. Its done wonders for me in the self confidence area.
