This is my first post and I'm not sure where to start. To give some context, I'm 34 and married with one child. My wife and I are by all measures happy. My son is 13 months and I love hime like crazy. I never pictured myself married or having kids, it feels like something that just happened to me. Actually life feels like something that is happening to me, and I can't seem to take control. When I was a little boy I liked other boys. All throughout elementary school there were other boys I would fool around with, and it felt normal, natural. It wasn't until Junior high school that I knew there was something different about me, and I did everything I could to fit in. In high school I dated girls. I was even considered a player, I reputation I welcomed. In University I had a few steady girlfriends. I always got on well with girls but the sex has always felt...bland. I would get off, I even wanted to do it but it never felt complete. Every once in a while I'd get drunk and hood up with a boy. While it was happening I loved it. It felt different, right and natural. But as soon as it was finished I felt ashamed, and afraid. I was afraid of being caught, found out. After all I'm not gay, and everyone knows that. I kept on like that until a friend of mine suggested that maybe I never felt a connection sexually with women was because I preferred men. It was a totally ah ha! moment. It's like having a word at the tip of your tongue and now matter how hard you try you can't say it. At the time it all seemed so clear. I'm gay. So I spent two years exploring that. I had no trouble getting drunk and hooking up but no matter how hard I tried I could never make it work beyond that. I tried dating 3 different guys and every time I got scared and ran. It felt too real. What do I do if it works out? Then I tell my parents and all my friends! I couldn't face it. One of those guys I really liked. I totally fell for him and then treated him like shit. I ended up dating girls again because, well it seemed easier. And I can physically have sex with a woman. I know some of my gay friends could never do that. I met my wife 5 years ago. She's aware that I'm "into guys" as well as girls but she doesn't really know what I'm feeling. She's often expressed worry that I won't be satisfied unless I'm with a man. She even offered me a "gay weekend." If I really am gay, I don't know if I can every truly face it. That is, to come out. Especially now that I have my son. I don't want to break up our family. I don't want to break my wifes heart. I can't bear that. Is anyone out there in a similar situation? Married, kids, questioning? Are there any other ways to move forward other than coming out? Thanks for listening.
Well, it does certainly sound like your gay based on what you described. Before thinking about what to do with your family, it might make sense to first work on yourself a bit and get comfortable with your own identity. Have you considered seeing a therapist whom can help you navigate your emotions and feelings?
Yeah, Married (no kids) 20 years and now I'm in this oh crap I'm gay cycle. I never had any issues with my marriage before this gay thing came up. I'm there now. I am exploring relationship with the same sex, and sometimes it gets way too real. I feel like I can never come back out if I go down that road, and yet I can't help myself. Sometimes I feel like it's too late to go back to my old life already. This is so common in this later in life forum. It's exactly my experience also.
Hi and welcome. I was in a similar position a couple of years ago (though I'm female). The choice to leave my husband was somewhat easier as we had a ton of unrelated issues, but there were still a lot of practical reasons for wanting to stay and make it work. I pushed my same-sex feelings, deep, deep down, and it worked a lot of the time. But the feelings always cropped up again. You can only avoid them for so long. Your options are as follows: - Keep trying to deny the feelings and pretend you're satisfied being with a woman. You can do this, but I think you're only making yourself miserable and delaying the inevitable. Also, is it really fair to your wife to be with someone whose heart isn't completely in it? - You can talk to her about it and explore the possibility of having an open relationship. I know a couple of people who've done this. It seems to work great for one of them, but only delayed the inevitable divorce for the other. - Divorce. It's definitely not easy, but once you're on the other side, both you and your wife will be free to pursue other options. Basically, there's no easy way out. There's nothing you do to make it all magically okay, you just have to pick the option/s that makes the most sense. Good luck with everything.
-OnTheHighway: that's sound advice. In my 20's I went to see more than one therapist for various anxiety / depression issues. I never felt comfortable enough to bring up my sexuality. I thought about it, but ultimately I kept it to myself. I suppose I thought - it's such a minor issue. I mean I live in one of the best city's in the world to be gay. Why burden someone with my trivial problems? Obviously Ive been avoiding talking or thinking about this for a long time. I've gotten REALLY good at it I suppose I came on here looking for a bit of therapy. -Rachel1954: does your husband know about your feelings? Does he know that you're exploring? I'm really trying to figure out how to navigate this. I sometimes wonder if I got married as a way to prevent myself from having to deal with these feelings. A very effective trap: The more ways I'm attached to this straight life the harder it will be to leave it. ---------- Post added 7th Jan 2016 at 07:18 PM ---------- Hi CakePieCookie (great user name) Thanks for your reply. Not easy options to choose from, but you're right. Ug. Before I do anything to rash I probably should spend some time sorting out my own head. I don't want to cheat on my wife but I do need to explore a relationship with a man that goes beyond sex (I know that works!) I have to get myself comfortable. I wonder do you have kids? I think this would be a much easier situation If my son wasn't involved. Mostly I don't want to hurt him. My wife and I both come from broken homes and I want a solid family for him more than anything.
Odo - yep, I have two kids. They were 95% of the reason I stayed as long as I did (far too long!). I really wanted the relationship to work, but we had unresolvable issues and eventually had to draw the line. In my ideal world we'd be happily married, but that wasn't the reality of the situation so we had to do the best we could with the cards we were dealt. We have 50/50 custody now and an excellent co-parenting relationship. I can't guarantee that it will be the same for you, but it can happen. Our kids struggle with it from time to time (as is to be expected), but overall they're doing well. Mine are a bit older than yours, and at his age your son has the benefit of not remembering things any other way if you do decide to split up within the next year or so. Do you think your wife might possibly be open to having an open relationship? You said she was supportive of the idea in the past. In your shoes, I'd start by telling her about your feelings without bringing it up as an option. Once she's had some time to process that, you guys can talk about what the next steps should be.
