Since I was a little girl I've been very confused. I'm an only child who didn't have many friends but had a girl cousin who I basically clung to. I grew up being very attracted to men at a very early age. As I got older being that my nature is more shy and backward even now at almost 30 years old. I get scared nervous anxious being around other people. When I watch television my eyes are aways harder on men than women. I look at them with a different gaze. I started puberty very early and with that came attraction to women. As young as 7 years old before I started puberty I had a crush on Toni Braxton her first album cover in 1993. I didn't understand why I felt hot. I think as young as 4 or 5 Jessica Rabbit turned me on. Before I knew what being gay was I knew what it was but didn't know there was a term. Aside from all of this I've had attractions to women since I can remember. I've had desire for men - celebrities - not everyday men. I feel things for women. I'm ashamed of myself when it happens. What I'm trying to say is that I always knew I was different but nevertheless didn't think because I had crushes on celebrity women that I was gay. I now realize. I've never dated kisses had sex in general or held hands with a guy. I think some men are attractive sexy even but I don't know if I would sleep with them. I'm not a sexual person. I don't know if I would have sex with a woman. I should just stay & die this way. I'm better off as I am. Silent & non sexual. Men scare me. I don't want to see their hairy privates. I don't want it inside me. I've never seen one. I don't want to see one. I like being alone.
Well there's nothing wrong with not being a sexual person. I absolutely find some men attractive. Celebrity men mostly. But enough to want to see or interact with their junk. It's usually more of an abs thing. Or the jawline. I'm a sucker for a decent jawline on both men and women. I can understand the hesitation. On the ladies however, I'm a big fan of lady parts. So it' s different for me. But I find myself to be a tremendously sexual person. I think everyone is different in that regard. You could easily be poly-romantic (IE- attracted to all genders or sexes) but asexual (not wanted to pursue sexual activity) or any variances of any thing. You'll hear a lot of people hear say not to get hung up on the label, and there's some wisdom in that. Because it's all preferences. However. IF (and I might be way off base, in which case tell me to stfu) you do want to pursue physical intimacy, with a woman or whomever, but your nervous to, that's a whole nother ball of wax. You may have social anxiety which is something I struggle with every. day. and I could totally see it being a hindrance in the dating community. Which do you think is more your situation? Or another reality entirely.
