So, I'm in the process of coming to terms with my sexuality. Long story short - I am married with kids, have always liked guys but thought my same sex feelings would go away over time, moving toward a separation in the coming weeks, and generally confused as hell. Due to this coming out and coming to terms I have thought a lot about my usage of gay porn. My only outlet for the past 10+ years us been porn, and I made sure I kept the viewing to a minimum due to being married and feeling tons of shame after viewing images that went against my marriage and what my wife knew about me. Well, since my wife and I opened up about this a few years ago my porn use has increased. Lately it's been about 5 times a week and most times I still feel very guilty and ashamed for looking at it. I guess my question would be - would it seem normal that I look at gay porn that often given its my only outlet? Why in the hell do I still feel guilty about porn? Is the porn creating some sort of non-realistic fantasy in my mind that will never be fulfilled? Honest and genuine connections are what make us fulfilled, and I know that when I move out I must focus on this goal. However, I feel there is a strong sexual pull and an almost adult adolescence that must be experienced due to that being repressed when I was younger. My therapist as well as my wife have really encouraged me to find like minded people who I can relate to - hope I am able to do so once on my own. For the first time in my life I honestly feel like I have no clue what I am doing. Thanks for the advice!
Hi Ryan, Congratulations for having the courage to explore your true sexuality at midlife. The notion of a second adolescence is quite typical for people who came out as gay, lesbian, or bisexual at midlife. You need to adjust to your newly discovered sexuality, much like you did when you were younger. I think gay porn is great, especially if one seeks a masturbatory release in the process My sense is your guilt is not from the porn per se, but rather what it represents, namely, that you are a gay man. Getting over the shame and internationalized homophobia is one of the hardest aspects of coming to terms with our sexuality. Once you separate, you will want to think about what sort of encounters you are looking for. Are you looking to hookup and experiment, or are you looking for something more meaningful? As long as you practice safe sex, there is no right or wrong answer. It really depends on what you want. How to meet like-minded folks? Of course gay bars and hookup apps are a way of meeting guys. Assuming you are looking for more than a hookup, LGBT meetups and organizations are great ways to meet other gay men. HTH
I don't know about "normal", but it seems quite common, along with sleeping around with anonymous hook ups. Some folks are fine not knowing many other gay people, but in truth, porn can zap your energy, give unrealistic expectations, and become a bit of a habit. Just out of curiosity, do you know any other gay people? I'm guessing the guilt could come from feeling it's "wrong", since society tells us that from day one, pretty much.
Well I'd start by saying "normal" is overrated . Here's a few questions to help with your question - assuming you pleasure yourself while watching porn, if you remove the type of content from the scenario would you consider masturbating daily too much or average? - do you feel that because you're married, the only sexual activity should be with your wife (i.e. some people think that married people should not masturbate) - do you have "moral" issues regarding porn of any kind? (whether it's from when you grew up, religious reasons, whatever) - do you think the guilt is from doing things solo without your wife? - do you think the guilt is from doing solo things thinking about men not women In your "questioning" process, seems you've established the porn can generate a response. Maybe the next thing to try out is finding stories (books/tv/movie) where there are men in some sort of relationship (not necessarily "porny") and see if you can relate/identify to any of it, see if it's something you strongly feel is missing in your life or just leaves you "meh".
There is nothing wrong with watching gay porn. I too have done a lot of that in the past 20 years. It is one way we can explore without being physically intimate with a guy. I know it is fantasy but it is still gay sex and is incredibly erotic to watch. I am not sure if your fantasy will be fulfilled as I am not sure what that is. However, having meaningful passionate sex with another man seems well within the range of possibility. You have taken a big step in coming out and now you can explore in an authentic way. I have talked to gay men that were married to women. They watched A LOT of gay porn while married but they watched a lot less once they came out and had partners. I really like the advice of awesomeyodais. Does anyone have any suggestions for good movies about gay men in love. I would especially like some that have are good in story and acting but do so some passion too.
I am right there with you M Does anyone have any suggestions for good movies about gay men in love. I would especially like some that have are good in story and acting but do so some passion too???
You are under an incredible amount of stress. Indulging in porn ( of any sort) more frequently might be your only way to relieve you of some of that stress. As far as feeling guilty - you've been dealing with the messages of guilt and shame that have been dumped on us our entire lives. You may feel conflicted, uncertain, especially now that you've decided to change your life dramatically. Again, totally understandable. Now, I'm no therapist, but rushing out to make friends with the first gay people you can find may not be quite the solution either. Take your time to do things and meet people you truly like being with. Only now, don't be pretend to bve something you're not. Be your true self. What I will caution you about is getting addicted to porn of any sort is not healthy. It is an escape, which is fine,. But it is not a solution to being alone. Too much of it can skew your vision of reality and honestly, that can lead to some poor and reckless decisions. Trust me. I know. So, don't freak. This is a very tough time for you. But working your way out of it will take time. But don't squander that time with endless hours in front of the computer shooting up with porn. Yes. Shooting up. Because It can be as seductive, addictive and dangerous as heroin.
This has been my experience exactly, although I'm old enough that the first gay porn I "watched" was alt.net stills on dial-up. It was a delight just to be able to gaze at a naked male body for a long as I liked. Nowadays I hardly ever watch porn, but I still like to look at male nudes on Tumblr from time to time. ---------- Post added 9th Jan 2016 at 08:02 PM ---------- The obvious one, of course, is Brokeback Mountain, but there are others. Google "10 best gay movies," or some such string and you're bound to find some. ---------- Post added 9th Jan 2016 at 08:07 PM ---------- On the contrary, you seem pretty confident as to where you're headed and also what you might expect to happen. Enjoy your gay adolescence, but always play safe! Ask your doctor about PrEP.
we are sexual beings. we are not heterosexuals. we don't have to try to be. either we are having sex with someone else or we masturbate or we deny our sexuality through celibacy. be safe. no shame. do what you know.
The only thing that stands out to me is that porn was used as way to cope while in your marriage. I can see how this sort of indulgence for 10 years can associate the activity with guilt. There are advantages to porn is that you're safe, and you can experience fantasies you may not be ready to in real life. The downside is that it is usually a solitary activity and if you have no support group/friends to affirm you, it may not do much for you to help come to terms.
Wow these are all good answers from the other posters. I think you yourself have already found a lot of the answers--you know it is a way to cope and to explore. You know your guilt was largely due to not being authentic. You know that porn can lead to unrealistic expectations and kind of a desensitization. You know that coming out leads to feelings of "adolescence" but that you need to be a responsible adult all the same. You know that you need to find real connection once you move out. So, basically...you already gave yourself a good analysis. Trust in yourself to know when a lot is too much! It will differ for everyone and (like these other smart posters have said) it will likely change depending on your circumstance.
Hi ColoradoRyan, In some cases porn can bring a couple closer if viewed together as an intimacy building activity . Porn does not portray reality. Not everyone has "porn-star" bodies, etc. The guilt may be serving a purpose? Can you identify any other feelings you experiece besides shame? Are yuo intimate at all with your wife? Some people feel watching porn is the same as cheating on the other spouse. Do you feel this way, is your wife judgemental or critical of the time spent watching porn? Good luck, keep the communication open between you and your wife.
I'd go on to say that not even porn stars have porn-star bodies! I was reading an article that stated porn stars regularly starve themselves for two or three days before a shoot to achieve the six-pack abs that everybody raves about. Afterward, when they go back to eating, the abs become less chiseled. What's more, the article went on to state that not only is viagra widely used, some guys do the injectable thing in their cocks to keep them hard for hours on end. So yeah, OP, don't get sucked into the idea that real sex is like porn — it's a whole lot messier, more unreliable, unexpected and fun!
