Lesbian - but married to a man. Feeling lost and sad.

Hi ssx...Welcome to the forum. You have come to the right place. There are so many of us in similar situations. There are a lot of women here who have had similar experiences and I think you will find it helpful.

I am struggling myself. I haven't come out to my wife. However, I have started to come out to myself...today it was telling myself in the mirror. I will tell my therapist next week. I don't want to destroy this life I have built but my desire to be with another man physically and emotionally is so overwhelming. It is getting more and more difficult to keep it bottled up.

 

Hi. There are those on here who will give you better advice than I ever could. But I identified with so much of your situation, I wanted to simply say you are not alone and I hope you find the support here like I have.

 

Hey there

There are a lot of us here. You are not alone.
Ok first up. Kids are stronger than you think. My youngest is 12 and he is very accepting of me. We've even had the "what if i want you to meet someone" discussion.
You've said there won't be any issues with your family. So tell them. They can support you while you work out how to tell your husband, and what you are going to do about your marriage.

Baby steps. Get your support network in place.

 

I feel you, its so hard walking away from something so substantial on the surface but feels hollow on the inside.

 

I identify with this, as it's how I'm scared I'll feel if I end up married to a man. I can't offer much in the way of advice as I'm very new here - and to all this - myself; but I feel there can be a way forward and a way to be happy for all of us. I wish you so much luck in finding yours.

 

Dear ssxElise,

No matter whether "coming out" is a big deal publicly or not where you are, it's certainly a big deal to the individual person going through it, and I'm so sorry to hear about your pain. It must be so tough to deal with what you're going through: I'm sure it's awfully scary, must feel very lonely, and I'm sure the guilt gets overwhelming at times.

And for those very reasons I want to congratulate you on your courage in dealing with this, on your honesty in facing yourself and your own truth.

I don't have kids and I've not been married so I can't speak to that, but I understand it must be very difficult to choose what path to take moving forward.

I'm glad you've found this place and it's so great that you've come out to your sister and that you found support in her. You don't have to go through this alone.

Just take one step at a time, and try to be kind to yourself.

Wanting to be happy is not selfish. You have needs too and it looks like they're not being met. Consider if it were one of your children in your place right now. What would you want for them? What would you tell them to do? How would you answer them if your child told you the very same things you've told us? And then I would advise you to try to show yourself the same love that you would have wanted them to show themselves in your situation.

Love,
PG

 

Same boat, also lost and sad. You are not alone here.

Is there any way to talk to your husband about this? Would you even be willing to do that? Sometimes it can not be a reaction you want, but other times it can make all the difference.

Also, keep posting, we are here to help!

 

When I was little and still pretending to be straight my "crush" (he was actually and still is my best friend in the world) had a mom and a dad. Well, they got divorced because the mom thought she was LESBIAN!!! It was so hard for her but she got through it and now she believes she's bi. I always feel more at home with my old "crush" because he always talks about liking boys so...you know. This was no help at all, was it? Anyway, if you ever need a shoulder to cry on, you know where to find me.

 

Hi there,

I figured out I was gay after marrying a man and having a couple of kids with him. It is SUCH a hard/scary position to be in. My heart goes out to you. Also I wanted to say listen closely to your gut. Your mind will run you in circles rentlesly, terrify you, and leave you feeling confused and unsure. So whenever that "quiet knowing" part of you is nudging you in a certain direction, listen closely, its the very best guidance you can get.

Big hugs!

 

I am in a similar boat. At this point in time, I have been sacrificing myself over and over as my husband has closed our marriage again and has basically forbade me to be close with a female. Being bi and married with three children is diffinitely very difficult. There is little advice I can offer, but know that I know where you are coming from in regards to keeping a secure family and keeping the harmony until it is time to "live the real me for me"

 

Well they are many of us out there- like you in different aspects of your situation

I asked my husband if I could have sex with another woman- he said yes- we ended up falling in love. My husband and have been married 16 years- have 2 kids. I love him like a brother- and he was aware from the beginning that I was not sure I was straight.

We just moved- and as I was packing --I ran into all the wedding things- and as I unpack I just wonder what to do- because those things do not mean what they did. Talk about feeling bad-

I do all the time- and I am trying to figure out am I projecting- his feelings into mine- my families- because they like him-my children's- or all these just mine

I have spent a lot of time thinking- and in counseling- all I can say is I am not sure.

Every step in this journey will bring pain and joy-- and I think we forget that every time there is a change in our lives- there is always loss- and gain- or pain and joy.

Keep posting

 

That's exactly what happened with me. I went for a run and a particular song came in and I just stopped in my tracks. I realized that I couldn't unknow what I know, fall out of love with my trigger crush, and pretend I was happy in my hetero-marriage. (The song was Divided by Tegan and Sara if anyone was curious!)

So I got home, heated up lunch for my husband and I, and half way through talking about mowing the law, I just said "I'm gay." And although the next few moments, days, weeks, months broke my heart in terms of guilt...I'm not sure I would have changed it....because I would have talked myself out of it.

 

This was my dilemma too. For a year I went backwards and forwards about coming out. I wanted to have everything wrapped up neatly beforehand. But there were just too many variables, too much uncertainty, to ever reach a confident solution. I felt continuously overwhelmed.

During that time, however, my need for authenticity grew. I finally decided I had to come out just for me, and let the consequences be damned. In the end, the consequences were not that dire, though they are still being worked out a year and a half later. I am able to be myself at last, the person I was always meant to be.