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Am I a wrong?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by bookworm1986, Jan 10, 2016.

  1. bookworm1986

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    Ok, I came out last year to my mom and friends. Finally had the courage, most knew from the fact that I've never had a gf. Mom accepted it and still loves me. I even meet a guy around this time last year, and to be honest fell deeply in love but things never worked out.


    Now I'm here on the cusp of 30, yes 30! I'm still a virgin, and I mean that in all the sense never been kissed either. The only person who knows this besides you guys is my mom. It happens that I've lived a sheltered life, mom was always at school, volunteered and I've always been an obident child. I stayed home during college, and after I graduated stayed home to take for my grandmother who was ill and has since passed on.


    I work, but still live at home to take care of my grandfather and mom. Also, I'm a total romantic a default of mine. I want my first kiss to mean something, my first time to be because I'm in love. I see a lot of guys don't care about that anymore. They want the next piece of you know what. They don't care for relationships and most guys I've spoken to have sexual partners in the double high range or more.


    Which makes me wonder is there something wrong with me? Why can't I separate sex from emotions? Am I a goody too shoes? What guy would date a virgin at 30 or more for that matter? Should I accept fate and just alone? As for the guy mentioned earlier he no longer speakers to me but I have him on social media and to be honest I still have feelings for him, and no he never wants to speak to me again.


    Thank you reading.
     
  2. Ram90

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    There isn't anything wrong with you. (*hug*)

    I'm a 25 year old, gay, virgin who still lives with parents. They take care of me, I don't take care of them lol, but I live a sheltered life. I've obeyed rules and everything, but because my folks are homophobic, I haven't come out yet.

    Due to strict upbringing, rules and homphobia all around, I haven't dated anyone at all. No kiss. No Sex. No Dating. No Relationship. No boy at all.

    It sucks sometimes, but I'm happy. Because I know finding the right guy in the current scenario and environment I'm in is like finding a needle in haystack.

    Also I want to experience a relationship for what it is. I fantasize about it sometimes. I want the kiss to mean something. The first meeting to mean something. It gets me all tingled. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    I'm pretty sure I won't be trying to get into a relationship before I'm 28 because of my plans and circumstances, so there is nothing wrong in waiting. It makes the experience sweeter. :grin:

    As for the guy who never wants to speak to you again, let him go. You can definitely do better. I'm sure you'll find one better. It just might take a while.
     
  3. penelope

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    I don't think there's anything wrong with you. I know many people who want to wait for the right person. He just hasn't crossed your path yet. I don't have much personal experience about anything but I can say that I would never judge anyone who's a virgin, no matter what the reason was. I think that it's way better than making yourself do something you're not ready for, doesn't feel right or you just simply don't want to do.
     
  4. IrishJ

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    I look at your information relating this to purchasing a car. i prefer to buy new, love the new car smell, no history, no mileage etc. I see nothing wrong with your situation and am sure that there many out there that will feel the same way.

    If you are truly struggling with sex/emotion - maybe therapy?

    Be easy on yourself, there is a pot for every lid. Delete the other guy, no reason to torture yourself. - J
     
  5. Weston

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    Sorry, I don't agree with the other comments. The fact that you met a guy, you never even kissed, and he never wants to speak to you again suggests that there's a (rather large) back story here. I meet guys every day that I don't kiss, and we still manage to speak to each other. Were you perhaps too insistent on having it your way, i.e., the first kiss had to mean something? If so, I can understand him backing away: a kiss is not a marriage contract. All relationships require a degree of give and take, and it sounds as if you're not willing to compromise right from the get-go.

    Do you really expect to just meet someone, fall in love, and have that person be your partner for the rest of your life? The odds against it are higher than your winning the latest Powerball. Finding the love of your life is a numbers game: the more people you meet, interact with (and that often includes having sex), and get to really know, the more likely you are to find your partner.

    What's more, we are all sexual beings (with the possible exception of those who steadfastly claim to be "asexual"); we're hard-wired to want to have sex, even when said sex cannot possibly result in procreation. And this is irrespective of "love." There is no shame in having sex for sex's sake — in many ways it's therapeutic.

    You are certainly not alone on this site. There are more than a few older virgins here, all of them bemoaning their status but refusing to compromise on their belief that love must come first. In my opinion, this is simply an excuse for fear — fear of inability to perform, fear of rejection, fear of disease, etc. The longer it goes on, the more the fear grows. As anyone will tell you, for the vast majority of people, losing their virginity is the smallest thing, especially as the event itself recedes into the past.

    In my opinion, the questions you ask would best be answered in ongoing conversations with a professional therapist. They go far beyond "Why can't I find a boyfriend?"
     
  6. SiennaFire

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    As a bisexual non-virgin who was wanted something more meaningful than a hookup for his first time for both gay and straight sex, I will try to offer a middle of the road perspective.

    First, I'm not going to be judgmental about the fact that you are a virgin at 30. I was a confused heterosexual deeply in denial when I was 30, so I'm hardly in a position to judge. You are where you are on your journey of discovery and accepting yourself for where you are is your best course of action. Where you go from here is what really matters.

    Second, there's nothing wrong with wanting something more than a hookup for your first time if that's an expression of who you are. Realistically I agree with Weston that you cannot expect to meet the love of your life without a playing the numbers game, yet it's very possible though more work to meet a nice decent guy who will make your first time meaningful. You probably want to get out of the house more and meet other gay guys at LGBT meetups and groups. This will take more time than a hookup app, but you need to be true to yourself.

    Third, I agree with Weston and IrishJ that you may want to find an LGBT therapist to help you work through your thought process. While there's value in being an obedient son as a child, you may want to question if being an obedient son at 30 is fully serving your needs.

    HTH
     
  7. bookworm1986

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    Phoenix 77, Penelope, IrishJ, Weston and Sienna Fire thank you all for your help and opinions. I get out of the house and have met guys, but most want a hookup for the night and not a relationship. Others want friendship which is great because from a friendship a relationship can grow but want other guys as bfs. I'm not giving up hope but for the moment I'm going to concentrate more on work then looking lol.

    Weston-prehaps so, but I'm not a sexual creature per se, I want my first time to mean something rather then being someone's hookup. I'm worth the wait. Also, the guy had nothing to do with romance and everything to do with trust. If you wish to understand more I refer you to this thread:
    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/famil...896-heart-broken-rant-more-then-anything.html
     
  8. Weston

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    Bookworm, your first time will ALWAYS mean something — it just may not mean what you want it to mean. It's all too easy to mistake what we feel that first time for love, when in fact it's just a crush. Very few people end up married to the first person they have sex with, and the divorce courts are filled with people who did get married to the first person they had sex with and now wish they'd experimented more beforehand.

    Rather than think of it as "being someone's hookup," try to think of sex as a mutually satisfying experience for both parties. You'll both be getting something out of it. I have no doubt you're "worth the wait," but that's not to say that your prospective partner isn't a worthwhile person too. Give the other guy a chance!

    I read your other thread, and the "relationship" you had with this guy seems very like a crush. His online behavior was odd, and had you not met him I'd say he might even be a fake (not unheard of on G....r). I'm sorry, but you'll simply have to accept that he's just not that into you. It's hard, I know, but time will help.

    Good luck!
     
  9. Kinky

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    My first time will be with someone I love. The only reason we haven't had sex is because we live in two different countries. Some may consider our relationship 'imaginary' but it's real between us. He will come over in April anyway. So based on my anecdotal story, the scenario you want might happen. It's rare, but not impossible :slight_smile: