Hang on....this is going to be long, but worth it I hope! Just over a year ago on Christmas I had a total breakdown over my sexuality. I am 65, married over 35 years with grown sons and grandchildren. I've known that I was not like the other boys since about 10-12 years old, but didn't know what was different. by early teenage I knew I was homosexual but really didn't understand it until my early twenties. Not knowing any alternative, I followed societies' path. Went to college, got a degree, went to work, got married, etc.. I knew it wasn't what I really wanted but didn't know what else to do. I had been taught that "homos" went to hell and that no matter what I felt like, it was wrong and evil. So for 55 years I kept that secret and played the part of a straight, loving, hard-working husband and father. I did grow to love my wife in my own way and of course I do love my children and grandchildren. But for some unknown reason last Christmas the dam burst and I just fell apart. I disguised my collapse be feigning a severe attack of the flu which gave me a few days to pull myself back together. I had been reading posts here on EC for a while prior to Christmas and so took the first step by coming out here, online. The support was overwhelming and really helped me "catch my breath". I knew I was gay, that was not the problem....the problem was how could I possibly come out publicly and destroy my family? Let's face it, few families ever really recover from one of the parents coming out as gay. I refused to be the cause of the hurt, pain and anguish that I would inflict on my loved ones should I choose to come out at this point in my life. They didn't deserve it. As I a matter of fact I didn't deserve it either, but the situation is what it is. After several months of agonizing over this I came to the conclusion that to survive I had to find some kind of support. I live in a small, conservative town and am very well known. I felt totally trapped. Oh yes, did I forget to mention I'm a school teacher?! That makes the trap so much tighter as so few people really realize that there is a difference between being gay and being a pedophile. After much thought and testing the waters a little I settled on a group of recent graduated students (all over 18) who I had always had a lot of fun with in and out of school and who had always shown themselves mature for their age. It was a terrible risk, but I knew that I couldn't hold myself together much longer. I had to try something for the sake of my sanity and my family. I gathered them together one afternoon with pizza and pop and, as gently possible with a lot of tears, dropped the bomb. The results were amazing! Within seconds we were all in tears. All of them accepted me on the spot and made it clear that it changed nothing in their opinion of me and that for my families sake they would never reveal my secret. Then I got whiplash when two of the six came out as gay to the rest of us and one as bi. We all cried and hugged for over two hours.They not only released me from my 55 year prison of the closet, all of us together were able to prevent three others in the group from enduring the same agony. Since then I have been able to arrange counseling/therapy via skype with a qualified LGBT professional. I am a completely different person now and those six that are my support have benefited as much as have I. I have many bridges yet to cross, but the future isn't as dark as it used to be. I've found that as others help me, I can help them. I don''t know where this will lead and I still have some awfully "dark" days and moments. But there is hope for me and my friends and it started here on EmptyClosets. Thank You a million times to those who responded to my first few posts. For 55 years I endured, silently on my own. I wish that on no one. Always be ready with a kind word, a smile...always be sensitive when you feel/see someone reaching out. Yours may be the word that turns their life around and releases them from that locked prison that we foolishly call a closet........David
Its nice to see you here. I can relate (see some of my earlier posts). I'm 57 and came out in April 2015 after ~40 years of on and off suppressing my sexuality. I, too, knew when I was young that I was different than all the other boys but, in retrospect, couldn't put my finger on it. I buried my feelings and did what society expected of me. I was married VERY young to my first and only girlfriend and had 3 kids by the time I was 26. Divorced at 30, and explored my gay side which I had never done until then. I was in a relationship with a guy for 7-8 months and introduced him to the woman I eventually married in 1995. She died in late 2014, after being married 20 years, of brain cancer. In the three years she was ill, I had a lot of time for introspection and self reflection and on the man I wanted to be for the rest of my life. I relocated from New England to Florida, semi-retired (which means I'm actually retired but too effing young to call myself a retiree!), and have begun to reinvent myself. Let's just say that grief sucks and I sought counseling for that and in help in the coming out process. in August and September I came out to my kids who were very accepting and loving. Due to my internal struggles I raised them to be tolerant and open minded and I reaped the benefits. I also told most of my sibs. Only one had an issue with it....the one I was always closest to - that hurt. My parents have been gone for awhile, but I think they would have been okay with it, eventually. So now I'm traversing the gay world. I go to an LGBT support group, which helps. I did the ****** thing for awhile, yeah hooking up is fun but kind of burned out on that, had a short-lived relationship with a younger guy, and am now looking for something more substantial. It's lonely for sure, but I would have been lonely even if I hadn't come out. I'm struggling to find my place in this world. This site and some gay themed threads in Reddit.com have helped in this discovery.
Gentlemen, you both are inspirations to the many of us a few steps behind in our coming out. Thanks Quebec for sharing your Anniversary story with the rest of us. - J
Thanks for sharing, goes to show where there is a will there certainly is a way! Quebec, I would love to argue your point about families being hurt when one comes out, but my experience is consistent with that theme. Fortunately, on the other side of the coin, I am comforted knowing my kids are old enough to be charting their own lives with the proper foundation to do so and their mother is finding her own way and doing well while at it! Headsup, it's never too late to reinvent yourself. And I agree 100 percent, the hookup culture does get tiring without a question of a doubt! Enjoy the journey!
Your story is inspiring. I applaud your bravery. While I'm not out of the closet yet, hearing you talk about your struggles make me that much more comfortable with coming out. I couldn't imagine the pain you have gone through being in the closet for that long. thank you for sharing.(*hug*)
