My story is like many in this section. I want to put it out there for others as some form experience to learn something from at least. Age 54, married to woman 20 yrs, daughter, I took role of primary carer (she earned more), daughter now set up for degree study in Oct., previous with men and women (wife knew when we married). And now it is all falling apart. Slowly over last two-ish years my desire has been moving to guys again. The moral tug of war in me has started to pull me apart and my will power can't stop the water pouring through. My wife requested I start counselling after scares re. dark thoughts. Counselling has been a tie to the precipice that I find myself at on a daily basis. I am an artist and this is what I use to find my way and hopefully not just as therapy. I am more myself a year on from some scary moments and the start of counselling. My wife understands but is really struggling with the reality of the leaking of my sieve of feelings towards men. I feel terrible as though I have deliberately deceived her all these years and she shows her hurt in angry outbursts which I cannot defend against with my sense of self as a guilty liar. So I fight against this with homophobic thoughts which is transparent in its ludicrousness. These are of course then turned on myself in the form of self harm. So my weapon is art and am trying to conceive work dealing with the broader issues my experience brings up. But I try to get accustomed to the isolation and loneliness I feared as a teen in the 70's with no-one to speak to. I can't write anymore I've run out of steam but hope the that putting my self out there it will help build up confidence to let the real me out into the world completely and stop the ducking in and out that I have been playing all this time.
Welcome! Among the first steps in coming to accept and love yourself is talking about the shame you feel... Which you are doing right now. I strongly suggest you get a copy of Joe Kort's 'Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love', which has little to do with finding love and everything to do with understanding and loving yourself. In it is a chapter on gay men heterosexually married that you need to read. One of the strongest takeaways is that in nearly all cases, once the wife gets past her anger... She realizes that she knew or suspected long ago from signs or indications she chose to ignore. In other words, she conspired with you to keep the secret under wraps. That doesn't take away all the responsibility, but it does change things. I also suggest watching a Brene Brown's wonderful TED talk, 'The Power of Vulnerability' And, as you learn to love and accept yourself... Things will get better.
Thanks guys. Yes I will look at that book. The self loathing is really bad. And my wife says the anger is subsiding - I'm not sure as I got a verbal humiliation rant in a busy Brighton street on Saturday involving royal titles of the female kind. I have my counsellor which is a life line. I hope I'm not too old to get out of the self hate habit.
At 54 you still have a lot of living to do, and you will probably be happier now than before. You just have to take a moment and get your berings, and enjoy the new you,safely of course. I'm still not sure if I can get the courage up to get out of the marriage. I may just stay and make it work. it's just so hard and sad.
