Mellie has crashed and burned.

Hey mellie,

First of all, you are not a fuckup! And this is not representative of all lesbian relationships. Let's not stereotype here... :eusa_naug

It sounds to me like she has some abandonment issues from past experiences in her life. While this is regrettable and you want to help her because you care about her, I would be careful to not let it overwhelm you. Everyone's got baggage, but you can't be pulled down by it.

She needs to communicate with you like an adult. You deserve nothing less. Pouty texts will not suffice. We are not teenagers here (no offense to teenagers).

You are doing the right things and trying to support and engage her...if she can't reciprocate in kind, that is on her.

And be careful with the guilt trips and silent treatment....those are hallmarks of emotional abuse, and if you notice those tactics to be constant or pervasive, that could signal a significant problem.

But either way, this is not on you. It really does sound like a maturity issue on her part, and you'll just need to decide how much of that you are willing to put up with. You have a lot going on right now without having to deal with someone's immature nonsense. Just my .02.

 

You are not doing anything wrong. It seems that she is looking for sympathy, it sounds like she is a bit jealous of you too. I don't know, a grown single person who lives alone should know how to take care of themselves when they are sick. It sounds like there is a bit of depression or bipolar issues going on there. Is she on medication? I am not trying to discourage you in anyway at all. I'm not sure what the best course of action is but if you truly love her you will figure things out. Try the old if you love something set it free and if it comes back to you it was meant to be experiment. She sounds like an introvert so you may need to be the one to always initiate conversations and activities. You shouldn't have to be walking on eggshells, try and have a conversation with her. Reassure her that you love her immensely and that you just want to understand her better and that you want her to understand you. Tell her what you told us in your post about how she makes you feel. I hope you can take some ideas from this. I wish you the best of luck in this relationship.

 

OMG CAN WE PLEASE TALK ABOUT THIS?! My gf is the same way. We've been together a bit longer and live together but everytime I say something or do something, I'm worried she's going to be upset about it. It's. exhausting.

We're working on it. I've been really upfront with her. At first she accused me of calling her abusive (because I said I was constantly in fear, walking on eggshells, not sure what would piss her off) but in truth I just need predictability and security. Everytime I say "I love you" she asks "how much?" To which I'm supposed to say like a million or all of it or a ton, but sometimes I say something wrong and it's a thing.

She wears her heart on her sleeve, and part of me is getting used to it. I know she's going to have a sour reaction to something so I'll tell her and then ignore the ridiculous reaction (Silent treatment, sulking, negative statements) and in 20-30 minutes we'll talk about it like humans. But before....before we'd get in these huge fights...over the silliest of things. Like a facial expression I made or needing to take the Christmas tree down.

Now this is my first same sex relationship so I find myself asking the same questions as you: is this all lesbian relationships? Is this game playing typical? My GF says that 'girls are drama' so that goes with the course. I'd like to think that I don't do the same things to her though, so that can't be true, right? Part of me thinks (hopes?) it's the newness of relationships...but I have no idea. I'm not really helping I suppose. But you. are. not. alone.

It is a totally compounded issue for you though, with the distance, and the needing to handle kids. I had to really sit down with my GF and say like "Look I'm not going to waste time in an unhappy relationship, tell me what you need, but you have to want to help me fulfill mine."

 

Yikes!

Not to be an insensitive asshole (warning: I'm going to be!) but maybe you've found out why she has no one else in her life?

Good lord, you do not need this AT. ALL.

I know you love her, but love yourself a little here too.

If I got involved in a relationship with someone in your situation, I would be supporting you, not demanding emotional cartwheels. Like, "how bout I watch the kids this weekend honey? it seems like you could use some time to review your divorce paperwork".

Or "I'll call my uncle who lives in your town to see if there are any openings at his wife's school for when you get your degree."

Or "Here are some cheap but good recipes I found on the internet during my AMAZINGLY AMPLE FREE TIME."

Or "When you get your own place, I can help you paint! The paint and pizza are my treat by the way."

 

From my experience, this overdependency/ oversensitivity is quite common in lesbian relationships. Once both women are more mature though, it can be overcome.

Mellie, I feel for you. You are everything to this woman, yet I fear it will never be enough.
All I can say is try to sit her down and have an honest talk which includes the need for boundaries in a healthy relationship. You cannot be her whole world. Don't enable her overdependency.

You sound much more mature than she is. I've been in her shoes, and I've been in your shoes. I know these dynamics all too well. It's called "crazymaking". Once I got my issues solved, I was a much better partner. I don't know if she's willing to go for counselling though.

 

Arg, I had a bunch of other supportive things she COULD BE SAYING written out but hit the back button.

The bottom line is that the person in the relationship MOST in need of support should get it, and contrary to what she believes, that is NOT HER RIGHT NOW.


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Mellie, if she doesn't like kids... um... ?????

Loving your kids is going to be a big part of loving you. If she were just inexperienced or unsure, that's one thing. But shutting down?

You need to find out why she shuts down. If it's because your kids remind her of your straight life and she's still threatened by that, you can work through it. If it's because she has no intention of ever caring for your kids or any kids, then...

 

Ugh! I'm so sorry, Mellie. I did google "Crazymaking" and took a very interesting online test (I'm a sucker for those) on passive aggressive behavior. Just incase that would be interesting to you. Also, I once read this interesting article on Gaslighting which is similar, I think...

Patterns of behavior, but it seems like it can be changed if both parties participate. I suppose it's just a matter of seeing what she's willing to do. Relationships shouldn't be one sided. You deserve someone who will build you up.

 

I feel like this may be the most telling thing. If she acted the same way in her past relationships, surely she pushed those people away just as she is pushing you away. Of course they left her. Of course you're thinking of leaving her. It reminds me in a way of how my best friend's boyfriend acts at times, but he IS a teenager, so I think he gets the benefit of that (as Shadowsylke pointed out). She should be better adjusted as an adult. And part of my fear, as somebody who entered into a relationship (a straight one, yes, but I don't think this is a problem exclusive to lesbians) when I was feeling particularly scared of being abandoned again and thus allowed myself to become highly co-dependent, is that because you love her so and because she's fulfilling one want that you've had for a long time now and can finally embrace, you may be tempted to just give in to her. You shouldn't. If she can't be mature enough to handle an adult relationship, then she's not ready for a relationship with you.

 

Hmmm...yeah, this relationship is sounding less and less equal.

And the kid thing...I don't have children, but if I did, I would think that my partner accepting them and embracing them would be a requirement. That's not a small thing. Heck, if I had CATS, it would be a requirement....kids? Yeah, she'd have to be on board with that.

 

Hi Mellie,

First, let's take a step back. You are not a fuck up. You've done an extraordinary job coming out and doing what was necessary to get yourself on the path towards authenticity. Bravo :eusa_clap

Second, given this is your first lesbian relationship of course it's going to feel amazing compared to your inauthentic hetero relationships of the past. This may blind you to the obvious problems with the relationship. The fact that you need to walk on eggshells after 1 month when you have so much on your plate seems like a huge red flag to me. There are other red flags, and you can probably see them if you step back. Perhaps if you reread the post as if CapColors had posted it you could offer her some advice?

You've done what was necessary to come out and start living a life of authenticity. I think you know what you need to do here and why.

We're here for you

(&&&)

 

Sorry youre experiencing this. Its not representative of all gay relationships, for what its worth. Personally Id say run for the hills because in my experience, unless she is owning her behaviour and willing to work on it, this stuff just gets worse. It becomes a cycle of trying to save the person and it never being enough. Worse it crushes the good from the relationship as time goes on. Maybe time to lay down all the cards and boundaries and see if she is willing to meet you half way as an adult.

 

I mean I am not expert on relationships because i avoid them like the plague, but there seems to be a LOT of red flags here, ESPECIALLY since its only been a month! I'd just be careful and trust your gut on this.

 

Nope. Maybe jumping into a relationship too soon but that's no reason for her to treat you this way.

She's had multiple past shitty relationships? That's a big red flag right there. The other is you living in fear of what she's upset about now. And another is you feeling like a doormat.

If you didn't already have a ton of challenges to work on I might say to try and see if you could work it out. But, you have so much on your plate that I doubt you have the bandwidth to deal with this kind of bullshit. I'm sure she's insecure and afraid of you leaving her.

You are going to have to make it very clear to her that while you card about her and would like to continue the relationship, her actions (hers not yours) are going to drive you away. And she needs to knock it off immediately or you will have to break it off. Period.

There is no lack of integrity on your part here. Nobody is expected to stick it out when their partner is acting like a jerk. You are doing no favors to yourself or her if this is allowed to continue.

Sorry you have to put up with thi Good luck.

 

Don't buy into "lesbian drama" excuse for putting up with bad behaviour from someone. The types of behaviours you are describing probably are why she doesn't have anyone else.

I've been involved with this kind of girl, except in my case, I was the single one and she was the one who was married to a dude and I convinced myself that somehow I was just the one person that really got her etc. etc

Nope, she was just plain cray. So glad it's over, though ending it was painful at the time.

You are dealing with enough with the husband situation. I don't think this girl is what you need right now and it sounds like you already know that.

You're also not doing her any favors by enabling her.

 

All of the above and a bag of chips. Give yourself a tremendous hug from the EC world. Then run like hell, learn from this and keep moving, so many wonderful women out there that are stable and able to have a true loving relationship - J

 

Hi Mellie, haven't read all replies to your post since can't wait to give my input, and also don't want my response to be influenced by more knowledgeable in same sex relationship ones.
I have no lesbian experience, but this seems to be so obvious..

Every good relationship needs a good balance in give and take.
Being smitten with feelings and romance and wanting to invest into supposedly amazing future seems to be cost you more than you've bargained for (sorry my assumption)..
I am not even mentioning here you giving a lot to your family (kids) with moving and securing financial future for them and you. This part is actually never too much.

However, does she give you anything, do anything for you outside of those dates? Does she even drive your way?
You are going through a lot, and I would personally want my partner to help and support (cheer you up and do small things for you) if I were in your situation.

Also the more you do, the more she seems to exhibit manipulative behaviour which is not very loving or supportive.. makes me wonder if that is her usual pattern.

I do not want to be negative, but knowing how nice and great and smart and strong you are, you deserve a much much better treatment, give and take, which should make romance even sweeter ( I would assume).
I would also think that having relationship with the right woman should have a benefit of mutual understanding on all levels..
I hope she is the right one, but she needs to be a lot more giving and understanding. This is what love is all about - helping the other feel their best in life, with you, and doing best things for you.
But, that's just me rambling.

 

All good responses here. I agree with Chip. If you don't get out of this situation soon you will become "emotionally bankrupt" and have nothing left to give. She is too needy and you will never be enough for her. She seems like one of those people that thinks she needs someone else to "complete" her. She needs to work on herself before she will make a great lover for you or someone else.