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question about sex with husband

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Nancy1, Jan 13, 2016.

  1. Nancy1

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    I feel so strange posting this...

    I had sex with my husband. I now feel bad about it. I am attracted to women, but we have a long existing sexual relationship, which I am used to,and he wants it, and I enjoyed it, but it doesn't change my mind about anything...if fact it makes me more sure of what I want. I feel like a shit, and I told him, beforehand, that I am afraid that having sex will just make this harder for him,, but he keeps assuring me that I shouldn't worry about giving him mixed signals, still everyone else I've spoken with thinks this would be a bad idea.

    Please tell me if some of you have waffled on the sex thing with your heterosexual spouses while you were going through this process.

    Thank you!
     
  2. rachael1954

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    Totally.

    I kind of wish I would have left in the very beginning when I was sure of what I wanted. Now I feel like continued contact with him in this way is more confusing and detrimental to me than to anyone. Yet I can't seem to let him down in this way.
     
  3. IrishJ

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    Yup,

    I know that having sex with my wife brings her pleasure, I still care about her deeply even with my mixed emotions, I don't want to negate her needs. Are my needs being met with this, not exactly but for now.. -J
     
  4. SiennaFire

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    Do you identify as bisexual or lesbian? You identify as bi under your avatar but seem more lesbian based on the content of your post.

    This really depends on where you are in the process. If you have come out as lesbian and/or wish to end the marriage, then having sex with him may be viewed as a mixed signal. My wife and I had sex a few times after I came out (break up sex of sorts), and eventually I stopped it because I was losing interest myself and she may have been unconsciously trying to win me back through sex.

    If you are in a different stage of the process, then let us know.
     
    #4 SiennaFire, Jan 14, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2016
  5. Shadowsylke

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    Agree. I am not sure where you are in terms of your sexuality and marriage, but if you are thinking about separating or are moving toward a separation, then your friends are right. Continuing to have sex with him will only make things worse.

    It will send mixed signals and, as SiennaFire says, he could use sex as a way to try to confuse you and keep you in the marriage. You can't be gay if you're still sleeping with him, right?

    That means nothing, of course...as you say, it doesn't change anything about how you feel...but it is an argument that gets used by the straight spouse sometimes.
     
  6. Nancy1

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    I have historically identified as bisexual, but over the past year or two I feel myself only interested in women. I have been hesitant to identify myself as a lesbian because I do not want to be a flip-flopper if I decide a year or two from now that maybe I stayed bi all along, but I do want to leave this marriage and my strong inclination towards womem is definitely a major factor in that decision.

    I have a big crush and it has made me aware of just how strongly attracted toward a person is possible. Even though I do not think it will go anywhere, these feelings mean I could have something that feels much more right than the relationships with males which are my only relationships so far.

    He does get hope, I believe, that I will stay when I agree to sex. I had said I thought we should stop and we had/are, it was a slip. My libido has skyrocketed since I have been allowing myself to think about women. OMG, much stronger feelings...but no outlet, and I'm right here with a person who I am very used to being with, and he is made happier (for now) from it. So I slip
     
  7. CapColors

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    I've seen a number of women on here in your situation (at least 10 in past 6 months, maybe as many as 20). The sex was ALWAYS a bad idea, in every case I've read.
     
  8. SiennaFire

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    You can finesse your sexual orientation by identifying as bisexual and state a preference for women (Kinsey 4 or 5 if you prefer).

    Where are you in the separation process with your husband?

    Would you feel comfortable pleasuring yourself while watching porn? That might be a healthier form of sexual expression.