8 Stages of coming out

I am somewhere between five and seven. Would love to experience eight, but definitely not there yet.

 

Awesome, thanks for the book recommendation. I put it on hold at my library!

I don't want to hijack the thread, but [I just read 'Married to a Man & In love with a Woman' by Fleisher who cites 'Looking at Gay and Lesbian Life' by Cass. Cass also has a model of coming out. I think yours is better because it starts with the phase of not knowing you're gay. But it has step C which is tolerance.] Here is Cass's alternate model:

I only include this model because it has step C, where I'm at. (I'm not quite at stage 7 yet)

 

Lauie1. I've been working on "a list" like yours. Will post soon. Great effort, thanks for posting.

 

This is great. sums up my life

 

THanks for sharing-
For most of my life I was at 5-6, an intense period of suffering. Until recently, now-I'd rate myself at 7, STEPS C&D. I dont know if I can reach Stage 8 step E or F

 

I absolutely relate to many of the feelings on both the 1-8 scale, and the A-F scale, but both scales seem to discount bisexuality. Step 3: Denial of the Gay Self and Step B: Identity Comparison both seem to indicate that bisexuality is a cop out on the way to being fully gay.

I have to say that's hit a major nerve. Why is being bi somehow "less than" being gay? Am I to understand that the feelings and confusion I'm experiencing are bogus because I'm not actually gay? I know that my experience is different, but ALL queer experiences are different. Every last one of us has a story to tell, and our stories are valid and real and mean something.

It fucking hurts to be bi sometimes. A lot of the time. I've gone through denial, suppression, rejection, confusion, bargaining, anger (guess where I'm at right now?), and erasure. That last word is one I think needs to be added to both scales, as Step 3.1, and B.1.

 

7 striving for the mastery embodied by 8

 

Since last spring I've gone through 2, 3, 7, 8, 6 in that weird order. It's made me scared, emotional, then sort of confident and happy but now I'm suddenly in a bit of a hatred phase. I think the harshness of my mother over her suspicions, the fear of being creepy to my friends (though they don't know), and the sudden way it became so real when I came out to my bestie after another argument with my mother on Tuesday, have sent me back a few steps... I'm even a bit of 3 and 4 right now because my mother is watching me like a hawk... I'm leaving behind all the lgbt stuff I was interested in and I'm just left with my mums bi-erasing comments and frustration over crushes.that just makes me want all of it to stop.... In such a bad mood today sorry.

 

Not to be contrary or the odd one out, but I pretty much jumped from 1-8 without any of the intermediate steps. Certainly never spent any time in 3-6 and don't really feel my experience fits into either 2 or 7 very well/very much either.

I spent vastly more time and energy working through the idea that I could ever care about anyone (because people were basically bugs, to be used and then thrown away when they'd served their purpose) than I ever did worrying about the fact that that person would be another guy.

Maybe it's just the way I was raised, but I honestly struggle to understand why so many people seem to react so badly to being different. Or seem to want to be 'just like everybody else' so much. Or treat sex as though it's something so important and special that orientation overwhelms everything else.

Anyway.

Todd

 

I agree with you. I don't know if I'm bi or gay but either way, a bi person has to go through all these steps just like a gay person. It's irritating these 'steps to coming out' list bi as a potential stop on the railroad, and not the final destination. For gay people I guess it can be true, but yeah bi erasure.

 

I would say I'm right on step 6, occasionally oscillating back to 5, or taking baby steps to 7, but in the dysfunctional way the OP described.

I really do have the sense that life is unfair, although I would never admit it publicly because it seems like a whiny and weak attitude.

I had hetero attractions from puberty, and didn't realize I was gay/bi until age 18. I never had crushes on guys -- just powerful, anonymous sexual fantasies that I can only have in private. I knew something was down there, but I couldn't bring it to the surface, and still can't. So I pursued women.

Now I am separated from my wife, whom I love dearly and miss constantly. I spend most of my time alone because I'm unable to connect with other people, gay or straight. Every time I have a gay fantasy, I feel like "oh man, this damn thing is still here." I've made efforts to socialize with gay guys and even had some gay experiences, but I still can't integrate it into my personality. I feel absolutely stuck in time, and I hate what I have let my life become.

I know my self-pity is a waste of time, or just plain masochism. But as a practical matter, how does one move beyond self-hatred? How can I raise this buried part of myself to the surface? How can I accept and even celebrate something that seems to have robbed me of your life?

 

I love this, I can relate to it so much. (!)

 

Vacillation between 5 and 7 for awhile with obvious goal of 7. Never really hung out in 6 thank goodness. I was molested by a man at 12 and initiated into the world of man/child sex. This screwed with my head forever and through working with a wonderful therapist, I can finally accept my self, no longer reliving the pathology of the abuse through various anonymous hookups at an ABS or through on-line meetups.

I am currently married, trying to figure out how to take the next step to separate / come out and live my genuine life.

Thanks for sharing this Louie, always a great day for reflection.

- J

 

It is problematic and harmful that both scales engage in bi-erasure. I look back and realize that I skipped steps three through six, but not because I'm bisexual - more because when I was finally able to put the context to my attraction to women, I was comfortable and fulfilled in a marriage with a man. Of course, I didn't know at the time that he was struggling through steps three through six! Craziness.

I would say that I went from step 2 straight to step 7.5 - I don't think I ever wished to be straight or felt that I gave into anything, but I wasn't at the celebration stage at that point, either, because I was comfortable and (seemingly) fulfilled. Now that my ex is out and at step 8, I can say that I am as well, because I am living fully into my bisexuality.

 

Just curious. Was your husband, by working on steps 3 through 6, bi, gay, or something else? Are you still together?

It's just interesting. I think that sometimes seeing M-F couples ending up with additional sexual evolution for each of them is not that uncommon. I think that there were almost some cues that pull some together, but that's a whole other thread.

Really interesting.

 

I relate to those stages.
I would say I´m at 7.. or maybe close to 8.
Even though I´m not out yet, I´ve accepted myself and I feel happy. I feel free. I feel real. :eusa_danc

 

I've been out for two years, and still I find myself in a dance between 7 and 8. There are still times I would prefer to have been born straight. I especially miss the security of my former life. Yet there are times when I am bursting with pride at being gay. The first time I stepped on stage and sang with the Rochester Gay Men's Chorus I experienced such a liberation; publicly acknowledging that I was a gay man. It is at these times that I find the strength to keep moving forward.

 

He is gay. He came out just over a year ago and we have been living separately since last February - he moved in with his boyfriend. We always had an unusual dynamic, though, and looking back, I'm not sure how, or even if, I missed the truth of the situation. But he was very much in denial, vocally and often, and I took him at his word.

Somehow, we managed to raise some incredibly loving, accepting kids who couldn't care less that Dad has a boyfriend and Mom has a girlfriend.