Less than... fully gay. As if bisexuality is a rest stop on the way to fully gay, and my feelings might be somehow less than if I only liked women. (I like men, too. One, specifically. I love him, actually. And, these new cravings are scary, and so fucking big. They are not less than anything. They hurt.) Less than... fully bi. As if the fact I only just realized I have DESIRES, and have never so much as held a woman's hand in 'that way' means I can't possibly know my heart. (I do. I know it like the scent of skin when sun shines warm. This hurts, too.) Less than... a whole person. As if I will never know the whole me. I don't know who I am, so this part makes sense. I'm mixed up. I'm so very sad. I fake every day because I have a life I can't stop living. (See. I have this job. These kids. A man I love. A part of me I don't understand. This all hurts.) The one thing I have is this moment. I have music. I have whiskey. I have fire. I have a mystery that is me. That is the future. That is now. That is REAL. That is no less than any other mess.
What you said is poetic and beautiful. It kind of sounds like you do know who you are. I'd say that makes you more whole than most. There's a beauty to knowing many sides of yourself, even if you're not in a position to fully act on them. And, even if it's agonizing, there's beauty and art to questioning and yearning for something unidentifiable, or untapped. It kind of reminds me of a favorite quote: "Sometimes I am terrified of my heart; of it's constant hunger for whatever it is it wants. The way it stops and starts." (*hug*)
Thank you, YeahpIdk. (I think of you as Alice, but not sure if that's what you prefer to be called. I love the thought of comparing our journey to falling down the rabbit hole, and all the topsy-turvy existence that ensued.) Love that quote, for sure, but your words, : Those words are the absolute best. Thank you. (*hug*)
I can so empathize with these feelings... I also feel less than in my parenting (although I work on giving myself as much grace as I extend to others) and less than in not wanting to be out to everyone for personal "safety"/convenience when I know it's politically important for straight people to know bisexual people.
On here, I am Alice, lol. I certainly don't mind, as I love her and she's totally adorable - I mean, look at her!! And yes, life is oh so rabbit hole-ish, but especially for us - the ones who don't fit the "norm," and have to go on a huge, scary adventure of discovery within our own mind, which is what Alice is really all about! By the way, no one ever really fits the norm - even the norm doesn't fit itself (now just imagine me as fat cheshire cat sitting on a branch, LOL:lol::lol. Everyone's got struggles and thoughts they can't quite place. I don't think we're ever as alone as we're made to think we are. I hope you're feeling better (*hug*)
Thanks, Alice. Yes! I am feeling a bit better. Sleep, and a good rant, can sometimes help. Ah, yes. Parenting. Even when I'm pretty certain I'm getting it right, I feel like there's more I could have done, or less I should have done, or some formula I've bungled up. That being said, the older mine get, the better it goes. Then again, I'm one of those weirdos that thinks teenagers are the best. Having two of them in my house every day has actually been lots of fun (mostly). Toddlers? No thanks. Babies? Hard no. Barely made it through. Do we *have* to come out? I'm still working through that one. The most important person to come out to was my husband, and that went really well (phew!). I also came out to one, rather significant, community in my life. It's been freeing, but scary. So far, it's meant more support, and I've been able to live more authentically part of the time. I haven't, and probably won't, come out to everyone in my life. It's not really because of safety or convenience... it's fear.
Coming out revealed something about my support network: I have very little outside of my partner. Most of the people I know I wouldn't feel comfortable telling, and given that I am still with an opposite-sex partner, they might have that "why are you even telling me this?" response. Basically have told 2 people (plus my therapist), but one is in another state, and the other has plenty of her own concerns at the moment, so really don't want to unload on her.
No. We don't *have* to come out. We choose who we come out to and when we come out (unless someone outs us). I am out to all of my very close friends (and their spouses who are also my close friends), my husband, and myself. I do feel guilty because I know that telling people who have little to no personal contact with LGBT folks might benefit from knowing that someone they know is queer, by hopefully making them more empathetic to the community at large. I've realized through this process, that there is a larger than I would have suspected gap between ally and member of the community. That being said, my city seems to have no resources for adults coming out, even though it is a fairly large and pretty LGBT friendly city. I have a small support network in this, but all the people I'd feel comfortable talking about my sex life/desires are in the know. I'm not likely to want to have that type of conversation with my parents/in laws, so I don't know that I'd want to tell them unless it came up somehow. My kids are being raised queer friendly (and were before the last few years, although more pointedly now), and if one of them looks to be heading down this road, I will make sure they are supported (and probably come out at that point). I don't want to cause confusion or fear in them (is Mom divorcing Dad type stuff), but I'm happy to let them in on "cute" celebs of both sexes... someday that might mean something to them.
Not to get all mathematical, but bisexuality isn't so much "less than" gay, as "different from" gay. Quite different. As you say, the feelings (for either sex) are not less than anything...both sets of feelings are big and real, and yes, when either is not being satisfied, it *does* hurt. I'm with you 100% on those. I can imagine that when the feelings are new, they are also scary...and when there is no immediate plan for satisfying them, that can also be scary. Less than fully bi sounds...overly self-pitying? Or at least overly self-critical (not that we aren't all prone to either of those two things). Of course you know your heart...but it's not just your heart...when you feel something with every fiber of your being, you damned well know that too. There are very few bisexuals who would say that you aren't fully bisexual. That notion, I suspect, comes from straight people (and perhaps some gay people) who are in denial about bisexuality...or more likely, about *your* bisexuality. I'm sorry if you feel (now or at times) like less than a whole person. I've felt that, and at times I still do. It is true that you will probably never know the whole you...at least not in this lifetime. But that is not because you are bisexual; it's because you are a complex human being, and cannot see all of yourself. But I get your feelings about faking in life. The way out is to learn (to give yourself permission) to live authentically...then the faking ends. The job will understand that this is not relevant to them (except possibly in positive ways), or they are not worthy of your efforts. Your kids will understand, because you have shown them nothing but love, and they feel nothing but love for you, and want you to be happy (and this side of you doesn't seem to compromise your relationship with their father). The man already seems to understand...it's an adjustment for him, of course. But he loves and supports you, and the two of you are embarking on a wonderful journey *together*. A part of you that you don't understand? It sounds like you understand it perfectly...you are just having trouble embracing it. Or am I missing something?
