I separated from my ex husband a little over a year ago and have been divorced for most of that time. Since then I haven't dated at all. For a while I truly was just catching my breath---divorce with two very young children felt overwhelming. Now things are settling down and it might make sense for me to think about dating but am having a hard time doing anything about it. The thought of dating scares the hell out of me. I *know* how to be chronically single (I actually used to take pride in my comfort with being chronically single). But that's not *really* where I want to stay. Part of this is fear about people knowing I am gay. The people closest to me know this, but work people do not and if I date they might find out. Also, part of this is fear that I may be incapable of a healthy relationship with a sexual partner. I really don't have a great track record there (my marriage to a man was really unhealthy and it is basically the only long term romantic relationship I have ever done--I also have a big fat history of trauma that makes relationships messy territory for me). Also, the fact that I was so scared of being gay that I didn't let myself see or understand it until I was 39 is probably playing into this thing that feels like a big block in the way of me even trying to figure out dating. In the past, in order to date I had to push past a whole lot of impulses to not-date and now I feel like maybe I should have listened a little more closely to those DON'T-DATE impulses. And now I'm scared to push back against them again. I kind of effed it up when I did that before. Lots of people got hurt. Does this sound familiar to anyone? Any thoughts? ---------- Post added 14th Jan 2016 at 10:03 PM ---------- (Oh, and I have never actually gone on a date with a woman in my life, and if I date it'll be with women--I have no interest at all in dating men, so that's also new and scary for me.)
I'm not in the same exact situation, but I can definitely identify with fear of dating. I haven't dated since I was 20, and now I'm 26. I think a lot of it may have been me transitioning into not enjoying relationships with men like I was conditioned to, though it wasn't something I could tell at that time because there was no other interest. Women weren't on my mind. I just knew that I didn't like my last few relationships, and I wasn't allowing myself to date again until I'd met someone "I actually cared about." That was my mantra. Then I became hyper focused on building up my life: going to college, realizing my life goals and career ambitions, and not much else. Like you, there's a large part of me that is fine, and also boasts, about the ability to be chronically single...and then I met that girl and my whole life blew up. I'm pretty sure you've seen some of my posts, lol. Either way, that just PROLONGED this non-dating. I mean, aren't your twenties supposed to be for dating a bunch of people to see what you like? It sucks when I think that I'm just single, forever, and slightly fine about it, but also not (mostly because sex). I don't know exactly when you realized that you were gay, but give yourself a little break. You've obviously been through a lot: some kind of trauma, and then a possible trauma of coming out (not sure if it was for you or not), and now you're still having some slight trauma because you're afraid of what others will think. I say, screw work people. Who cares? You live in Oregon? Are you close to Portland?? Last time I was there, I saw a bunch of cute ladies - who I'll assume were gay because it's Portland, they were cute, and I would just like to imagine that they were . Put yourself out there, and go on some dates! I don't want to date... I still feel like I have "shit" to work out, or I want to look a certain way, or I want to feel a certain way, or blah blah whatever bullsh*t my inner d-bag continues to say to me. If I met someone, though. I'd really try to push past all that and let myself be...happy. And so should you! Are you in therapy? I think it might do you well, to talk about your past trauma and your present concerns. Sex is a big part of a relationship -- sometimes, but not always. I don't know exactly what you mean by, "you might be incapable of a healthy relationship with a sexual partner." Therapy might be a great way to understand and work through what's going on in that department. Also, maybe it'll be different with a female. Who knows. Just find someone who is great and caring and see what happens. I'm really rooting for therapy if that's not something you're doing currently. And I've never gone on a date with a woman, either. Though, sometimes when my Trigger and I would go out for the day, they'd act really romantic, and since they were so oblivious or devious in their intentions, I count them as non-date-dates. Either way, YUP. That IS new and scary territory...but it also may be the best, most lovely territory you've been in.
Thank you so much for the thoughtful reply.I actually have really related to your story too here more than once in the past .I totally get the thing about focusing on college and career. I did a *lot* of college, and worked an insane number of hours for years after school was done. My life was way out of balance for a very long time. i don't regret that time, actually--it put me in a position to do work that is really really meaningful to me, and I often am soooooo thankful that I can make enough money to support my kids and I after divorce--but it didn't feel sustainable. I don't want that to be my life. Back then I felt like I was desperately working SO hard to be OK enough, and that someday everyone would find out that deep down I never was ok and never would be, and then my life would be over. Now it's pretty tempting to just stick to being a mom and doing my work thing. (That's what I've been doing for the last year.) Both are super intense and demanding and deeply meaningful. But I feel this BIG pull to experience ALL of myself. Including the lesbian parts. But my job is like a HUGE part of my identity. Like really really big. And the thought of being rejected there feels like putting part of who I am at risk. Like maybe my life will be over if I'm rejected there. It's not exactly logical, but that's how it feels. And sometimes I can make it seem kind of logical, like if I am rejected at work then I won't be able to support myself and my kids anymore. Which probably isn't 100% accurate, but it's not very hard for me to take myself there. (And not change anything about my life, so.that I can stay safe.) Huh. This post is getting ridiculously long. But seriously, the stuff you put out there for me I think it really helped me figure out why this work thing feels like such a big block. Thank you!!! I don't know exactly what I will do with this insight, but it feels really good to understand it better. ---------- Post added 16th Jan 2016 at 01:11 AM ---------- Oh, and yes I am actually in Portland. I live and work in Portland. It's a very gay friendly city and I feel extremely fortunate to live here. But my work place is conservative. And the field I work in is tiny and incestuous-- everybody knows everybody's business. Once I went onto a dating website and searched for women seeking women and almost immediately saw two women I know (who currently do not know that im gay), who know people I work with. And my story is "juicy" and tempting to tell. ---------- Post added 16th Jan 2016 at 01:20 AM ---------- And yes, fortunately, I am in therapy. I actually have been in therapy more often than not for the last 20 years. (I've had so many crazy things happen in my life, several traumatic.) It has been and continues to be very helpful. I truly believe I would be dead by now if i hadn't had the support of therapists over the years. I have kind of been refusing to talk about this whole dating block with my therapist for a long time though. I've been afraid that it will actually result in me dating someone. I think I will finally bring it to her and at least start the conversation. Thanks for helping me get there.
Hi! Mm I know, it can be scary to date. I haven´t dated for a long while now... maybe it´s time to go out there again, "hunting" haha. How nice for you to live in a gay friendly place! That makes things so much easier. If you want to date then date, if you want to be single then stay single. Don´t rush things if you´re not ready.
Okay, going to try not being extremely jealous that you live in Portland. I LOVED it there, UGH!! I visited with my friend a year ago -- we stayed mostly on the NW side, but ugh, I seriously miss it EVERYDAY!! I was also told that I'm biased because I happened to be there during a string of sunny days, but I'd take Portland in the rain, too! Gonna end this love for the PDX rant. I'm really glad that whatever I said made you find a few things to hone in on. With therapy, and avoidance of juicy topics, I'm totally there with you. I usually know I'm bringing up something that desperately needs to be talked about when I don't want to. Also, perhaps you were focusing on other pressing things going on, like divorce (I haven't read a ton of your posts), so it's entirely understandable that dating would go on the back burner. It seems like you've had time to process and settle into yourself, without your ex, just with your kids, and your new identity. That's the best, best thing you can do for yourself. And if that's the truth and I'm not just making it up by filling in some blanks, then serious kudos to you. Why don't you try to befriend these women you saw on the app if at all possible? This way you can get some kind of community if you don't have it already, and ask them to be extremely discreet. There's gotta be a way you can separate dating life to work life, at least for awhile, until you're ready to be fully out. Do you think your work place actually would judge you and your job would be in jeopardy?? It sounds like you have a big role there. I wouldn't jump to conclusion on the worst that could happen with them knowing somehow, because you never know. Plus you guys are in Portland, like... duh. Gay people love Portland. I want to be gay in Portland. Did we talk about me liking Portland?? Let me know what happens!
YeahpIdk, Your posts made me smile. Portland *is* pretty great. When I first came to visit this city long ago I instantly felt more at home here than I ever did where I grew up. Within a year of moving here, returning back to Portland after a trip "home" felt like a big sigh of relief, like I could just relax here in a way I couldn't where I grew up. I have mostly felt very main-stream and non-odd here, and I never did feel that way growing up. For one thing, being a vegetarian here is not a big deal at all, it doesn't make anyone nervous and no one asks me things like "so what do you eat?!" Also, most of my life people have assumed I'm gay (long before I had a clue) and the assumed-gay thing here didn't feel like a baaaad thing in the way that it did where I grew up. Also, too much sun kind of gets to me. Portland summers are sunny and lovely and usually I feel relieved when the gray clouds come back in the fall; I'm pretty much always ready for a break from the ridiculously bright sun by then. Most of the time I feel like i was meant to live here. And yeah, I can easily go on I-love-Portland rants too. It is basically true that I took a good, long, chunk of time to deal with getting divorced, and moving a couple of times, and to hang with my kids who needed me to be as present for them as humanly possible. I didn't actually want to do anything else, so it wasn't really an effort to do it, but I understood that it was important. I was also very aware of the fact that I had lost touch with myself in new and spectacular ways while I was married and it felt good and important to find my way back into my skin and heart, and now it feels like it might be time for me to find my way into my skin and my heart more completely, without compartmentalizing this gay stuff as I always have. Big sigh. And I suppose it would be fairly easy for me to come out to those two women I saw on the app and ask them to be really discreet. But then I wonder who else there will see me? And will people who are not close to me *really* be discreet. It's fairly juicy gossip that I totally trust in the hands of people who love me (the people closest to me all know, several of whom are not straight) but it seems like a lot to ask of someone who doesn't. And honestly, I really have no idea if there would be real consequences at work if people know. It really does seem possible to me, but I don't know how much of that is me being crazy and how much is real. Also I HATE the idea of people I'm not close to being all like "whoah, did you hear about yeehaw?!" and I also hate the idea of not knowing how people will react to me after hearing the gossip. There are a lot of religious/conservative people there, many of them in higher up administration. Hmm, this is all kind of reminding me that many years ago I basically "came out" in a different way to members of my extended family who had young children, telling them that someone in the family had a history of sexually abusing children, and that I knew that because he had sexually abused me when I was a kid. Word got around. It didn't go well. I was told I'd be welcomed back into the family if I apologized for lying. I didn't apologize (or lie). I was also threatened with a lawsuit for slander. An attorney was put on retainer by my abuser (though he ended up not actually suing). Way more than a decade later I'm still estranged from most of them. I can now predict which of them will be awful to me and which of them will not, but the process of discovering that was excruciating. I never knew what to expect. Hmm, and I bet all of that plays into my fear of how people will react (at work in particular) once they know THE SECRET. Thanks again! This post is yet again ridiculously long, but REALLY helpful for me! I'm going to have a lot of this stuff partially processed, or at least already visible to me, before I see my therapist next. Nice! It's late! I need sleep! Thank you again! ---------- Post added 19th Jan 2016 at 01:24 AM ---------- Thank you for this! It's a good thing for me to keep in mind. I do kind of have the sense that I'm starting to maybe inch closer to being ready to date, but I really am not ready yet. And it is OK for me to keep crawling along as I can and to not date until I actually DO feel ready. Or at least ready enough. This feels good to me. ---------- Post added 19th Jan 2016 at 01:30 AM ---------- Hmm, also I would like to say this: FUCK SECRETS (Can I say that here? I hope so.)
You will definitely have a lot to talk about when you have another session -- which is great! It would definitely be good to look at that, "secret getting out is bad" mentality, maybe especially because this too has to do with something sexual. And I'm really sorry that happened to you. I can relate a bit. Nothing was done to me specifically, but I did know something extraordinarily upsetting about a close family member that I've always had to keep my mouth shut about because, well, it would ruin them. And I'd be to blame; I'd have to back things up. And it happened a few years before I really processed the information so... I've had to live with it for some time. It sucks. I've talked about it in therapy, which has helped. So totally agree- FUCK SECRETS. And I laughed about you being able to be a vegetarian in Portland without any strife. I have a friend who moved to the mid west who's a vegan and she won't tell anyone that she's vegan. We compare it to being in the closet, lol. Just take your time with dating. You're lucky you've got lgbtq people in your life. I'm really missing that! I have it, but not enough, and not in the way I need it. Be well!
Totally get you!!!! Its definitely daunting to start dating women because its almost like we go back to the first time we dated EVER. However, you have just been through a process where you have been brave and honest, so just carry that theme on to the next step - dating!! Face the fear head on. I have just started going on dates with women myself and its definitely not easy and its a bit awkward but its also totally worth it. And it feels SO much better than dating men ever did.
Hmm, saw my therapist and actually didn't manage to specifically get to "secret getting out is bad" mentality and how it relates to my history. I did at least bring up The Gay, which I hadn't done in quite a while, and was uncomfortable in its own right. Next time I'll bring up the secret thing. And actually it'll probably feel like more familiar territory that way. I'm so sorry to hear you have a family secret tucked away. Those damn things can be heavy. Ugh. Closeted vaganism. Made me laugh! And yeah, probably will take my time with dating. I don't feel ready. Another ugh. ---------- Post added 24th Jan 2016 at 04:56 PM ---------- I don't even want to think about my earliest dating experiences--I was unusually old for just beginning dating and I had a bunch of old trauma tucked away just waiting to be awoken. Plus of course I was gay and had no idea. Not pretty. :/ It's so good to hear that it has been worth it for you, and that it feels SO much better than dating men did.
