Warning I am about to share too much! I just had sex with the wife, now I want to cry! I just feel guilty, empty, dirty, alone, and maybe even a little bit wrong! I'm an adult, why do I feel so bad for doing what I signed up for, for what is my duty? I kinda want to vomit, I feel horrible and it should not be like this. I'm such a wreck, why do I feel so horrible for doing what I'm supposed to do? Is this a common problem?
I know how you feel. I felt the same way with my husband. It just felt...wrong. I felt like I was being dishonest with him and myself. I'm no expert on these things, but I would think that this is probably not uncommon for people who are coming out. The activities of the past no longer fit with the person you are becoming. For me, it was a sure sign that my marriage was done and that my desire to move on was the correct instinct.
Are you sure that you aren't homosexual heteromantic or gay? I know your profile says Bisexual, but if you're that disgusted with having sex with her, perhaps you might not be sexually inclined towards women?
Can you tell us more? Why do you feel this way? Would you rather be having sex with a man? Or do you feel guilty for not disclosing your true self to her? Do you feel the chains of duty constricting your soul?
I'm sorry you are feeling like that. Please know, that sex is not your "duty" to your wife. If you aren't in the mood, or aren't into it at all, you don't have to have sex with her. There have been times over the last year and a half when my husband and I didn't have sex because I didn't want to (sometimes due to sexuality and sometimes other stuff), and sometimes when he didn't want to. Sometimes one of us will just participate and "help" the other one if we aren't in the mood, and sometimes it's like, "Yeah, you're going to have to take care of that alone." If it doesn't feel right or fun, don't do it until you figure out why.
I don't want to be having sex with her, I prefer not to be in the room. I am not needed but she demands it, she feels like it is part of being married. I am not sure if I am completely gay, but I am not comfortable with straight sex anymore. Maybe because I am an unfaithful husband and maybe because I am just not interested. I'm sure it is not like I am being raped but I don't like myself after sex.
Lately it's a dilemma for me as well.. It is not as severe of a feeling as you describe, and it goes in waves. However, the questions are the same, like Why? Who am I? Am I just not into it sometimes? Am I not into my spouse or is it more like not into opposite sex anymore? Is it because I may be bi or is it strictly because of being too familiar with my spouse? I do enjoy intimacy in my marriage still which makes me confused at the moment. A liereally bother me, however, I would do anything though to have my spouse feel wanted since I love him. Being rejected by your significant other sexually must be very tough.. Are you at least in the mood sometime to please her and enjoy it as well? Could be in waves for you too.. Just trying to see if anything positive is there for you.
Hi. I'm sorry you're in this difficult situation. Here are some thoughts that might help. First, your body is yours, and you are entitled to control when, with whom, and what activities you engage in. You have the absolute right to not have sex if you aren't comfortable doing so. Your wife can demand whatever she wants, but YOU have the right to say that you don't wish to do that, and you aren't obligated to provide any explanation, either... though communication is important in the long run, you have the right to share your feelings when you are ready to do so. If you didn't consent... or consented under duress, it actually *is* rape. It may not be quite the same as a violent rape from a stranger, but the feelings of violation and loss of control can be just as real. Given that you are not comfortable with straight sex, it is likely that you are closer to gay than bisexual (don't get mixed up with unrecognized labels that separate romantic and sexual orientation; there's zero credible evidence to support this idea, and they just end up confusing things in the long run.) For now, the main thing is to set boundaries for yourself and honor the boundaries you set, and get your wife's agreement to honor them as well. If she will not, you may need to find another place to stay while you figure things out. There's no huge rush to do much of anything other than care for yourself and your own needs. I'd also suggest getting a copy of Joe Kort's wonderful book "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love" which has little to do with finding real love and everything to do with understanding yourself. There's a chapter in there that addresses the complications of gay men who find themselves heterosexually married. (Note: I'm not saying you're gay here; only that this book may be helpful in clarifying your feelings even if you are somewhere on the bisexual spectrum.) This will take some time to sort out, and there will be a lot of difficult feelings to process... but you (and your wife) will ultimately come out happier in the end.
After I had my catalyst moment and began the path accepting myself for being gay, the feelings you described happened to me as well. For me, at least, it was one more instance that help me realize that I was indeed gay.
It sounds like you *have* started down the path of honesty for yourself. As others on here have said, sometimes it takes until hiding is more painful than coming out to lead us to action.
I am 39 now and I just don't know if I have it in me to do what I need to do. ---------- Post added 17th Jan 2016 at 07:33 PM ---------- Pain seems to be all I feel theses days.
I know how you feel. I don't like even to see her breasts ! (but she is still my best friend). It took me a long time to figure out that I just didn't like women in that way. - It's a supper big head-wreck! The whole blaming myself thinking I'm the only one like this, I'm a freak etc. I found going to a support group for gay married men helped me.
The title of your post kind of made my stomach sink. I was pretty sure you were referring to sex you didn't want before I even opened the thread. Others have said it but it is worth repeating. It *really* is ok for you to refuse to have sex you don't want--even with your wife-- and even if she doesn't think it is ok for you to say no--and even if she demands it. I'm very sorry to hear that she doesn't take the concept of consent very seriously when it comes to sex with her husband. Thats not OK.
While I agree with the other posters that you have the right to and should refuse having sex with your wife, I also get the sense that's the tip of the iceberg. In other words not having sex is treating the symptom and not the root cause of your feelings. To find ultimate relief you need to come out to your wife and family and separate so that you can live your life as a gay man - the life you were born to live. Now going down this path is not going to be easy or fun initially. You will have to push yourself to have difficult conversations with your loved ones. You will become stronger when your secret is out; it will no longer hold power over you. Eventually you will find another man to love and realize how much better you feel having sex with him. I realize this path may or may not be right for you. You must decide whether you want to stay on your current path or try a different one.
For me, once that I admitted to myself that I am gay, I have had a tremendously difficult time having sex with my wife. It has always been challenging although we have had some nice moments too. She isn't pushy but simply wants that intimacy. I do everything I can to avoid it. When we do have sex (once every 3-4 months), I feel like I can relax a bit as she won't ask for it for awhile.
Wow, my wife wants it every day! It's an accomplishment to make it 2 weeks without sex. She even wantsme to help her mastrubate! I am really sorry to keep whining about it on here, most guys would love to have a wife who craves sex but I really don't want it! I'd rather take care of myself.
