Hey....this is David. I posted "One Year Later" a few days ago and I was really encouraged by the number of people who read the post and by the responses that I received. And now the question that I've been asking myself for the entire 55 years that I stayed in the closet pretending to be someone that I am not. Am I lying to all these people? If you've followed anything that I have posted you will know that I felt compelled by society to follow the "standard" path. Graduate HS, go to college, graduate and get a good job, meet a nice girl, get married, have two-three children, etc. I had known since the age of 10-12 that it was ok to be around girls, but boys were hot!I don't believe that I ever got one of those "instantaneous" erections around a girl, but there were sure a lot around guys. Middle and high school gym class could sometimes be sheer hell! But I followed the "rules" of society. Especially as I wanted to be a teacher and most straight people can't get the difference between gay and pedophile through their head. My students were never in any danger from me. Because I wanted to teach, I vowed before I even finished college that I would never touch a student in a wrong way. I vowed that there could never be any pornography...the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. I vowed celebecy everywhere except in a straight marriage because I did want children. That was very tough - believe me my mind was in other places when my three sons were procreated. Over the 37 years of my marriage I have learned to love my wife in my own way and I do love my sons and my four grandchildren. After a total of 45 years of teaching I am now retired, and terrified that since I no longer have a heavy work load with all my teaching duties that I may not be able to continue to keep my dark secret. And the load of guilt over having lied by omission to my entire family is really starting to pull me down. My wife didn't deserve the secrets that I kept and yet, had I not there are three sons, three grandsons and one beautiful granddaughter who would never have existed had I not lied. 2015 was not a very good year for me in many ways, But I have come to accept myself and am talking with an LGBT counselor. I don't believe that the pain and anguish that would result from me coming out now would be worth not having to carry the secret longer, so I guess that 2016 is the year that I find new ways to be stealthy (suggestions welcome). Thanks again to those who replied to my "One Year Later" post and I will hope and work hard to be able to have a positive "Two Years Later" post next January!......................David
Quebec, as I look back, I do believe I lied. I also believed under the circumstances where I was exposed to so much homophobia, denying whom I was and lying was a natural defensive mechanism. I have learned to accept and take responsibility for the self deception. But I have also learned to forgive myself. By asking the question, I believe that's what you are looking to do. And it's OK to forgive yourself.
I think there's a difference between lying and dealing with one's own denial. Almost every person that's ever been closeted went through a period where they were in denial even to themselves; they did not understand or acknowledge that they were gay at all. And most of those came out to themselves, and then waited some time (maybe a week, maybe 30 years) before coming out to others. But it isn't as simple as lying. It's readjusting to a fundamental, core difference in who you are. Tha takes time, and once you've accepted it in yourself, it takes time to figure out how, when, and where to tell others, and to develop the courage to do so. So while misrepresenting the truth is certainly... untruthful, I see it as different from willful lying. It's more, to my mind, holding the status quo while learning how to navigate the new understandings. I agree with OnTheHighway that taking responsibilty, and forgiving yourself, are both really important to the process. I don't think being down on yourself for a necessary part of your process is something you need to hold onto.
