Finding a date/partner

I have yet to meet anyone, just having split from ltr with ex-gf 7 months ago. I have a pride bracelet I've been wearing since October. I don't feel there have been any signicant changes in my life, other than in my perspective of things. I work a lot and have no friends or social life to speak of, but I still feel much better than I used to. Having to finally just be out, I am finding myself caring about myself much more than I have for a very, very long time. A healthy dose of vanity is returning, and I just feel more inspired to better take care of myself.

 

I've been out since September and have only chatted with a few guys on ******. A few of them just wanted to ask me questions about what it was like to come out since they are still closeted. So, I was basically providing talk therapy - haha - although I didn't mind, I would have loved to have someone to talk to months ago when I was really struggling and suicidal.

I, too, struggle with feeling like an 'authentic' gay man and recognize that so much of what I feel I'm missing is stereotypical gay hookup behavior and not really something I want to do anyway. I keep thinking I should be doing more 'gay stuff' but have no idea what that is. Ha!

I think ultimately that being gay is about so much more than outward actions - wanting to wear rainbow-accented stuff all the time or to do something to show and prove to the world - and myself - that I'm gay.

I currently live in deep east Texas where it's still not cool to be out and especially to flaunt it, but will be moving to Houston this summer and I think I'll have a better time of finding my crowd, my people, and starting a truly open gay life. I'm also hoping there will be more guys to date, for sure - where I'm at the selection in my age range is primarily closeted still. I'm not opposed to dating someone in the closet so long as they have coming out as a goal.

For now, I'm remaining patient, reading gay romances and gay non-fiction, The Velvet Rage was great. I know that as I continue detaching emotionally from my wife and we work toward becoming more roommates and friends, the rest will fall into place. It's difficult after 13 years of marriage to just say, Goodbye, and let it all go.

In the meantime, I'm back to the gym after gaining a ridiculous amount of weight while I was married and trying to find the energy to work out more. I've lost 15 pounds in the last couple of weeks but still need to lose about 20+ to be content. Why the struggle with body image? Ugh - gay life.

csmith, I think you're just going to have to persevere and keep messaging guys until something clicks - it's like hanging out in bars waiting for the right person except you don't have to spend all that money on alcohol in the process. Also, make sure you have the best photos for your profile (several different moods/angles, if you can) and that you sound interesting (as interesting as possible in writing) and spell out what you are looking for - I always include, "Not looking to hookup" as a way of dispelling those who only want a quickie.

 

I am 26 and I am yet to find a relationship. My country has very low-quality gay people, and I don't mean looks, but the way they perceive "gayness." They only like to hook-up, or if they want a relationship, they are all so needy and clingy and wanted to be treated like a "girl" (I mean, c'mon, I am gay for a reason!) They don't understand the concept of two guys falling in love with each other. They need someone to be the "man and them, the "wife" and it's killing me!

My chances are to do International dating or maybe moving in the US someday. But I heard that "Asians" have a very bad reputation in the gay community (i.e. Not Desirable)

Ugh, Gonna be alone forever.

 

Good question. Are there a lot of people willing to be a first gay partner?

 

I think you should keep using the apps. Not just the gay ones but also the one used by straight people where you can left and right. Also, use a face pic as your profile pic if you're comfortable. Guys are MUCH more likely to respond to you or message you if you have a picture. I think patience is key. I've been using apps for almost 2 years and I've only had one "relationship" (not really a relationship, more like a lover). Gay/bi guys are just like straight guys in that they mostly want to hook up so don't expect too much. It's very hard to find compatible people who want to meet up. I've had guys who sound promising but for some reason they just stopped messaging me. I've had guys who've flaked on me as well. So just be persistent and something will come when you least expect it.

 

Besides gay bars/clubs (?), I think chances of finding a bf outside of the online dating world (apps) are, sadly, very low. Yet, I'm still hesitant to download any of those apps. :/ Guess I fear rejection more than I'm willing to admit. :rolle:

 

I have no experience but I guess the key is to approach the whole thing as a numbers' game, as salespeople do. You put yourself out there, succinctly, focussed on who you are and what you want and try to get as much exposure as you can (I would use a few websites, not just one). From every hundred times your profile(s) are looked at, you get maybe 10 initial contacts, which maybe develop to 1 or two dates. After 5 or ten dates you should be able to find a good match. Approach it pragmatically, the less emotion the better, its no 'rejection', just 'mismatch'. Also, go on the dates with the same approach, just to check out if it 'clicks'. Of course, its all easier said than done. Good luck!

 

I'm having the exact same problem. I hate online dating, I really do, but how else are you going to meet someone who is literally within the 10% of 10% (gay and my type)?

Being out is great, but not if you are a relationship virgin.

 

I wonder about this myself.

As for meeting people, I would definitely investigate local LGBT organizations and meetups. If you're religious you might bump into someone at a gay-friendly church or synagogue or whatever. The Unitarian Universalists accept atheists and are incredibly socially liberal! You're far more likely to meet people at these places who aren't just looking to hook up, whereas an app... yeah.

edit: Oh! A quick Google search brought me this, https://www.list.co.uk/article/45036-a-guide-to-the-edinburgh-and-glasgow-lgbt-scene/