I'm sure this topic has been touched on in other threads but I thought I would reopen the discussion. I had been in touch with a guy on ****** for the last few months. He's about my age and lives in my town. He told me he was married but wanted to mess around with other guys. I don't know how much experience he has with other guys but got the sense that probably not a ton. Anyways, I never gave much thought to this or to the fact that he's married. I also didn't know anything else about him. He contacted me last night and wanted to come to my place and I obliged. I wasn't expecting much... just something to satisfy my fleeting desires. His wife occasionally travels for work which is when I think he pursues these endeavors. So he comes to my place and it turns out that he seems like a really nice, smart, articulate, professional guy. He's well-educated and has a good job. He basically seemed like the kind of guy I would 'go for' and like the kind of guys that I really identify with. He said he was bisexual and his wife doesn't know that he's interested in guys and he doesn't know what she would think if she did find out. I have no idea if he is someone who is really struggling with his sexuality or if he really is just a mostly straight guy that occasionally likes to get this out of his system. We chatted for a while and had a pretty enjoyable time together. Maybe we'll never see each other again but we both expressed interest in it. Honestly, he seemed like the kind of guy I would want as a friend. We talked later about the possibility of going out for a beer some time, etc. He told me enough about himself during his visit that I was able to locate him on social media. From the outside it looks like he appears to be happily married to a woman that seems very happy to be with him. And seeing things from that side makes me feel horrible for this girl who is apparently oblivious to what is happening when she is away on her work trips. The problem is that I'm interested in getting to know this guy better. It's not that I'm super attracted to him or that I want to date him or anything like that; I'm just interested in learning more about his story. I want to know if he has struggled with his sexuality and what he has learned in the process. I find it much easier to relate to guys whose sexuality wasn't crystal clear from the beginning and I'd like to meet more of them. At the same time I feel guilty for forging a friendship with a guy with whom I have been intimate when he's already been spoken for. I'm certain others have been on either side of this. Any thoughts?
It wasn't me I've been good lately! I understand his side of things very much! He feels trapped in a relationship that is just what is expected of him. His family is happy he married her, and hers is happy she married him, he is doing what is expected on the outside. Inside he is wanting to pound every guy in a 5 mile radius. Did you and he take care of business or just chat? The wife probably has questions about him, but is trying to pretend that it is all fine and she is happy. It's all really a dangerous game, I know and playingwith emotions is something we cheaters are good at.
I had a coffee with a guy in similar circumstances as the guy you described. I was open about my journey and he shared his as well. No uneasiness on his part, he seems like he wanted to share and have someone to talk to. Purely a plutonic relationship between us, but he has someone he can now confide in. You guys agreed to meet again, nothing unreasonable with what you suggesting.
We did take care of business... I'm struggling with whether I would be okay with taking the care of business with him in the future as well as forging a friendship.
One thing I can say is since he is married he is relationship oriented, but you know what they say if he found you while cheating, he will likely find someone else while cheating too. So if you'relooking for a loyal partner you may get hurt, I wouldn't invest feelings unless you can keep it just friends who fuddle and
I think the way I try to look at these things is with the view of the golden rule... how I'd want to be treated if roles were reversed. Now... of course, the counter argument is that if *you* don't do it with him, he'll simply find someone else to do it with, but that's the same argument drug dealers and hit men and just about everyone else uses to justify their shitty behavior, so I don't think that's a really valid argument. At the end of the day it really depends on how you want to think about yourself, and where your own internal integrity is. Most likely, his wife would likely be absolutely devastated and shattered if she knew this was happening. If you were in her shoes, would you want someone to do that to you? How would you feel about that person? Yes, it's more on him than it is on you, but you are fully aware of the situation and choosing to participate, so your hands aren't exactly clean. The above may come across as judgmental, and it isn't intended to be. Each person has to make his or her own decisions and do whatever is comfortable for him or her. Your friend likely feels completely trapped and is making what he feels is the best decision for him... and probably hasn't really considered how he'd feel if his wife were doing this to him. I also agree with cheaterdad on the point of his trustworthiness... someone willing to cheat with you while in a relationship with someone else will also be willing to rationalize cheating on you later. So... for me at least, I would not feel comfortable being out of integrity with myself in that setting, and I wouldn't consider the other person trustworthy, so it would be a double no-go.
