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Thinking back to the past

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Pete1970, Jan 19, 2016.

  1. Pete1970

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    So. I have been thinking alot lately about the past and how things could have been different.
    Like why in high school did I know enough to break up with my girlfriend due to my questioning, but 2 years later I still married another woman?
    What if I followed my true path? I know for a fact that I would have a different career and would probably live in a different state. But on the other hand, things might not have been so good, I guess I will never know. I also wouldn't have my kids, but I also could have spared my wife.

    I know people say don't dwell on the past, but I sometimes wonder what my life would be if I went down a different path
     
  2. headsup1958

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    You have an interesting story. Thanks for sharing. I am recently out at age 57 (long story, see my earlier posts). I also have thought about the past and how it would have been different had I come out at 18 in 1976 compared to coming out at 18 in today's environment. I have great kids and grandkids that I love and wouldn't have otherwise.

    In retrospect, I knew I was "different" from age 12-13. Having come of age in the early 70's I often wonder if I would have made it through the AIDS epidemic of the 1980's. I know of at least one guy in high school who did not. As an adult I did not do any exploring with guys until my early 30's after a divorce. For a few years I dated guys and had a 7-8 month relationship.

    Then I met my wife, who knew I was gay/bi, and we eventually married. After 20 years I lost her to cancer 15 months ago. During her illness I did much time for introspection and self reflection on what I wanted to do with the rest of my life and the man I wanted to be. I knew I wanted to be true to myself.

    My kids were all very loving and accepting when I came out to them. I had raised them to be tolerant and open minded because of my internal struggles. My other family have been receptive for the most part so far. My parents are not here any longer and I don't think they would have had a problem with it over time.

    I moved south from New England to Florida (USA), semi-retired, and came out (again) in April. So now I'm trying to fit into my new life, meet like-minded guys and get on with the rest of my life. Wish me luck!
     
  3. maybgayguy

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    Of course it is not good to dwell in the past. You can't change it. But it is impossible not spend some time thinking about this. It is tinged with regret and joy. I think often of missed opportunities and times when I was governed by unnecessary fear.

    Maybe it is worthwhile to spend some time thinking about it. Give yourself 30 minutes every now and then. Just concentrate on what good have been. Then move on.
     
  4. JohnnyWisdom

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    Pete1970, I can totally relate. I'm recently out (Sep. '15) and dwelling on the past has been a hurdle for me. I knew I was gay at puberty and all through high school but was bullied mercilessly and always denied it - growing up in a rural east Texas town where I didn't know of a single gay person. I married right out of high school the first girl who paid any attention to me - first kiss, first time, everything. I thought, If I can have sex with a girl, I must not be gay. Ha! Throughout our marriage, I would have clandestine hookups with guys - think public restrooms, rest areas, adult video stores. We had two kids and then she developed breast cancer at 27 and died at 29. After dealing with the grief, I messed around with a guy from high school but he didn't want anything but sex. I still couldn't fathom 'coming out' - I was dependent upon my parents for help with my two kids as a single dad, still living in that same east Texas town and resolved to the idea that I must be bisexual and would just marry another woman since I now only knew a handful of lesbians and two gay guys - one much older and one that didn't interest me at all. I met my current wife and fell madly in love. I told her about the guy I hooked up with after the death of my first wife and that I thought I was bisexual. She was okay with that as long as we were monogamous. It wasn't that easy and I struggled for the last 13 years with my sexuality, debating the bisexuality in my mind and wondering if I was really just gay.

    So, I had two times in my life where I could have come out and gotten on with being gay, but I was too scared because I thought I would be not just rejected by family and friends but that there wasn't anyone to come out for - no other gay guys in my area.

    I can forgive myself for being afraid as a teenager in the late 80s at the height of the AIDS epidemic, but I really regret not having my shit together enough in 2001 to come out. Hell, by then even Ellen was out.

    However, I cannot go back and relive the past as much I would like to do so, and to do so would mean giving up my three kids who are all very much OK with me being gay. Also, my wife who is so supportive of me coming out and is now truly my best friend. I regret hurting her, but we have had a good marriage despite everything.

    Living in the past is really lonely because we all do it to some extent but we are never all there together at the same time. We all have regrets, but they don't mesh so it's a truly solitary proposition. I choose instead to be here, now, today and look forward to tomorrow where at least I have some control and lots of excitement about what's to come. :slight_smile:
     
  5. MOGUY

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    Headsup1958,
    I am very sorry about your wife's passing. We are very close in age and your comments resonate with me.
     
  6. Patagonia

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    I guess I ask myself every single day "what if I did this back then?" How happy I would be. Its very discouraging indeed. No words of wisdom here how to deal with it. Maybe it IS just one easy at a time. Funny though how many of us here are about the same age. Do we finally get up the courage to live the way we wish when we get our AARP card in the mail? Maybe that could be a whole new recruiting campaign for AARP. The ad could go:
    "Hi, I'm Bob. I'm an AARP member. And I'm gay. Now until I was near retirement and facing my own mortality, I wouldn't admit that to anyone. I was too afraid. And, well, I lived my entire life afraid. And now I regret it. Big time. But being a member of AARP, I now have the courage to finally be my own man. So, you don't have to wait til you're old enough to join AARP and too old to have sex to come out. I'm sure there's things you rather do with the guys than fall asleep on a bus ride to some baseball game. I'm Bob. I'm an AARP member. And I'm gay."
    Didn't mean to diminish anyone's posts. But we need a break from the complicated stuff every now vand then.
     
  7. headsup1958

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    Thank you for the kind words. It has been and continues to be quite the journey! Good luck to you.