Maybe he is beginning to process and accept. I don't know what to tell you to say. Maybe you don't need to say anything. You're lucky. Mine flips between sobbing/begging and acting like nothing is wrong. I wish he would tell me he is holding me back because then I would know he is accepting and my suffering is soon over. Sorry didn't mean to hijack.
he's understanding and thats a good thing. do you wish to stay in the marriage? i did. My husband let me go thinking that just because i came out as bisexual i was no longer able to be commited to our marriage. what??? we have been married over 20 yrs! im just coming to terms with my orientaion and now divorced in my 50's. some days i think its all a bad dream.
I want to stay married. I also have strong desires to be with a woman (but not date one or anything like that). I don't want to cheat.
My sense is that the correct response would be to acknowledge his statement and reaffirm your desire to stay married and faithful. Then listen.
Wise words, SiennaFire. Bi2me, I've heard the same words and felt the same pang. I don't have any answers, though. At least our husbands can talk to us about their fears and feelings... This whole experience is a mess of hurt. *hugs*
Totally this. I can completely see why his statement hurts. But you do need to view it as a statement about him and where he is, rather than as a statement about you. It might also help (both of you) if he could see himself not as holding you back, but as helping you to Be. Without him, you would not be who you are now. Without his love and support, you would find it more difficult to become whatever you are becoming. He is helping; not hindering, yes?
Thank you both for your (always) wise words. Having a bit of a struggling day the last couple. I got to talk to a close friend today for a bit, which helped as well. I was feeling so positive and centered, this (feeling overwhelmed again) kind of came out of nowhere. In general, he is helping, not hindering. But if I'm completely honest, in a "sliding doors" type world where we weren't together or I didn't have kids, I would likely be completely out and acting on my new found attractions. So in that sense, he might be holding me back from acting on my feelings.
And in that alternate "sliding doors world", you wouldn't have a husband; you'd be on my side of the parallel universe, in the exact same position you are in now, just on the other side of the mirror. Or you'd have a husband, but not kids...and you'd be missing that. There is no aid in envisioning parallel worlds and could-have-beens. I've spent plenty of time in them, and they are bereft of value...or even validity. What is (extremely) valuable is envisioning a parallel future where you *can* be happy, and then allowing yourself to move toward it.
My husband's willing to let me explore, so long as all parties are involved and consenting. Is your husband willing to do something like that? If not, then I feel like I wasn't helpful at all.
