Is it possible to truly not know your sexuality until 30? It seems like most experiences people can trace back to early age but they couldn't come to terms with it then. I've been made consciously aware of my orientation now but looking back I don't remember knowing early on. I have some clues that came to mind after my realization that may mean this: I've always felt different, kind of like an adult or my mom's special child. At 7 or 8 I was worried about the prospect of having to have sex with a girl and was wondering how adults do it. At 13 I started watching porn and masturbating to it. Now wondering if I have conditioned myself to liking straight porn it since images of women don't pop into my head when I masturbate. And only recently fantasies about men. Nothing before. The fantasies started after being invited to a threesome with a couple. My fear was of losing control and not being able to say no if the guy who is bi wanted to participate. I just let myself have the fantasies and tried watching gay porn to test out. Enjoy it more than straight porn. The only incident I remember was looking at one of the school administrators which resulted in detention. I wasn't aware why I was looking at him but it felt like may be it was pride but may be I was checking him out. And another time someone in the on the bus asking me to turn my body away from them because they may have perceived it as attraction. Original thoughts were that I may have some kind of OCD but I think that was just a cover up for finding my true orientation. There is a general fear response when looking at other men in public. I think it is more form fear of being found out. My only question is why no early childhood memories of attraction to boys? Have I repressed it all?
Not necessarily. In my own experience, I had no same sex thoughts until well into my twenties, and only a physical encounter even brought up the possibility in my mind, which then grew and grew slowly in my thirties, and have only accepted in my forties.
Sexuality is a very complicated thing. Still how would you explain not having fantasies early on? (I'm assuming that for the majority sexuality starts to develop during puberty and most people have figured out there attractions by 20 -- even if some choose to resist them) Which leads me to the idea what explains people changing sexual orientation in middle age and later. Repressed urges from childhood? Becoming more aware of your own biological desires after the encounter? Changing sexuality due to influence?
