Bisexual and questioning

No matter what if you keep meeting new people you are always bound to find someone who is more attractive and who you have stronger feelings than towards your current partner. The key is to know are you happy with your current relationship. If you are happy with your current partner, is there any point in changing? If you are not, then don't stick around. Having a crush and falling in love are chemical process in the brain. Those feelings will go away over time.

 

I've been married for 13 years and with my husband for nearly 20. About 18 months ago, I realized I had strong feelings for my high school best friend (whom I had been intimate with in high school, but never really identified as bisexual). I'm working through all the possibilities, and while I don't want to leave my husband and family, I sometimes get angsty.

No real advice, but plenty of empathy. Let me know more details as you want and I'll see if there's any more help I can give you. (*hug*)

 

I think figuring out if you are happy is the first thing. I'm mostly happy (which I think is about all someone can expect), and I can't imagine any one person making me happier, so I'm glad to stay.

I also have strong feelings for my best friend (which are to some degree reciprocal - we haven't talked out how strong her feelings are) which were there in high school, dormant for nearly 20 years when we were largely out of touch, and back as soon as I saw her again for more than a couple of hours at a friend's wedding reception/vacation. I think those are different than just a crush, and I'm not sure what to do with them.

On the other hand, I've got a bit of a crush on the mom of one of my daughter's friends. I think that one is in check, but still makes me long for something I can't have at least with where our relationship stands right now.

I think a lot about what I want vs what I need. I know I need my husband. I know I want (and maybe/probably need) some female companionship. At the moment, I've got my long distance best friend. We would both love to add a physical component to the friendship at some point, but it's not in the cards right now. For now, our husbands are ok with hugs and physical closeness that doesn't cross "the line".

So, that's where I am. I don't know if that helps at all...

 

What do you hope it would achieve? If you are planning to stay with your husband why would it be relevant to tell her? Since you are not out in your work place I gather your policy is to tell only to close friends. Is this said colleague a close friend who you would feel comfortable telling this if she was not lesbian?

 

I've told quite a few mutual friends, and for the most part they are very supportive. I have one friend who is kind of judgmental about the potential non-monogamy the situation implies, but I'm very against cheating, so unless my marital rules changed, nothing more will happen. I think her judgmentalness says more about her than me, and I don't mind having a "devil's advocate" position being presented.

I'm not officially out to my parents or less close friends, but I'm also extremely supportive of LGBT causes, so anyone who thinks about it probably knows.

 

There is more than monogamy in the world, Euler. The OP's choices are not limited to "leave your husband", "forget this other person", or "cheat" (which I would not recommend under any circumstance).

Seems to me that if it's affecting your working relationship, there *could* be value in simply having it out...though there could also be value in keeping it to yourself. But the bigger communication issue here (to my eye) is that you might consider talking to your husband. There is huge comfort simply in being open, honest, transparent, and giving yourself permission to discuss difficult feelings with a loved one.

 

Sure but OP didn't say they got an open relationship and I gather from her posts that she is not into cheating either.

 

I think this (bolded) part is especially important. Ideally your life partner, but someone else as well, might be able to help you through this. I've got my husband, and a very close friend who came out to me as bi gender about a year ago. This friend and I talk about 1-2 times a month for at least an hour and can talk totally openly without fear of hurting anyone's feelings.

 

I don't think there is any need to address the issue unless you want to. They might have their suspicions but so what? My own policy is that I answer truthfully if asked directly. To vague inquiries and hints I play dumb and just ignore them.

BTW, what makes you think that everyone suspects something? I mean you may feel that you act weirdly but it might not be that obvious to others. I always feel that people can read me like an open book but time after time it turns out it is not the case.

 

Hi I'm 42 and have only just fully come into being a gay women --
Previously I was bi sexual or heterosexual -

For me now there is no ' I might be with a man - it's gone --
When I fully came into being a gay women it just seemed to happen to me - I woke up
Looking back now - the sex was never right with men - the relationships never felt emotionally enough for me and I always seemed to wear the trousers -
My last partner of 4 yrs I loved him and we did fall in love but ....
And now I know what the but was --

It's strange really because I wonder now if I was just acting heterosexual because that's what I expected of me -- I at times strongly rejected even being bi - even against all the evidence --

I guess for you - it's about looking at the relationship your in and asking yourself 'are you happy and how might it be having a gay relationship - what might be different ( apart from the obvious )
Are u willing to give up what you've got ?
Are u being honest to yourself about your gay orientation or is it that you need time to find out who u really are ...

 

dirtyshirt84 - these feelings are definitely normal here in the LGBT later in life area!

For me, the emotion knocked my on my ass so hard I am tempted to leave my relationship of ~20 years. Because I never felt so strongly for anyone before her. Not once. And giving him up would be like cutting off my leg. And giving her up would be like cutting off my right arm.

You say you felt quite happy until this happened. Is your relationship with your husband what you would consider normal/happy/well-adjusted? I thought my marriage was perfect, until I met her and realized I was missing many things that I didn't really want to miss. That is an element to look at. You have a child and that is another element.

The bisexuality many married women have found that it is a "want" rather than a "need." But others are so strongly drawn to other women that they would leave a perfect hetero marriage.

So unfortunately it is a lot of trying to follow your feelings. Which may be unclear. It may be wise to sit with your feelings for a while and just embrace them for what they are. As you said, with work and everything it's complicated, so while attacking her in the broom closet may seem like a great idea at times, your composure and dignified way you have handled this so far makes me think that you will be just fine!

Did you and your husband (when you first were together) have the passion, the chemistry?

 

If you don't want to leave your job I wouldn't recommend having a relationship at work. Not exactly the direction most of the conversation has been going, but if you like your job and are happy there that is a very big deal.

I have two different sets of straight married friends that have gone though similar. One has a huge crush on a coworker. She's been married for about 18 years and looking at it from the outside I think she is I nterested in someone that doesn't have the same hang ups as her husband. The other friend was so infatuated with a woman that he tanked his marriage. When his and his wife's relationship was over, the girlfriend wasn't as interesting and intense because she wasn't "forbidden" anymore. He really regrets his actions, he said that he couldn't see past the new relationship excitement to reality or the future. My point is that getting crushes outside of your relationship straight, bi, gay, etc is completely normal. What you said about the sexual energy with her being crazy reminded me a lot of my second friend. I knew he was cheating and he told me at the time that he had never felt so much with another person, like love in hyper drive.