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Why do I care about my hair? Having identity issues.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by SapphireShores, Jan 21, 2016.

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  1. SapphireShores

    SapphireShores
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    Throughout the course of our 10 year relationship, my man has been understanding of the fact that I identify as bisexual (He's from the rural midwest, I go slow with him, he's overcome a lot for me <3 ) because it has never been relevant. I've shoved it down except for one attempt at a threesome that just went way south, and I've been terrified ever since to try and find a woman to get involved.

    He's also had no issues with it, because as teens we were both "Goth"... I had a mohawk and dressed like a boy (full hawk, shaved and all, people thought we were a gay couple) but we as it was kinda "gothy" it didn't matter. As I've aged, I've tried to fit in more to minimize conflict between our families (all sides pretty judgey conservative Christians), but the more I "fit in" the more unhappy I feel. I didn't realize the correlation until recently, when I've been going more and more extreme with my hair cuts. At one point I had about half shaved, and half long and I was very happy.

    I honestly want to go shorter than I have been (its been growing out to teh point I can do a tiny pony). I've never dressed particularly female until our relationship, and only then after we'd been together long enough it just became easier to please our families. Now I just feel like Im wearing a costume. People think I wear skirts because I'm girly, but I actually wear them because my weight fluxuates drastically and they are comfy :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    I feel silly worrying about something as silly as my appearance, but it is unduly bothering me and y'all seem to have great advice. <3
     
    #1 SapphireShores, Jan 21, 2016
  2. Riz

    Riz
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    Don't dress for others, just don't. They'll just have to get used to that who you are, which they hopefully love as you are. Dress a bit more alternative than they're used to.
    Eventually, I'm hoping it will feel normal to them.

    If you want to make it easier, maybe for you as well since it sounds like you've gone pretty normal over the years. Is to increase the level of alternative clothing, bit by bit. Until you feel like yourself again.

    As for your hair, cut it like you want to right away. People tend to be pretty acceptable with females getting extreme cuts.
     
    #2 Riz, Jan 21, 2016
  3. yeehaw

    yeehaw
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    It's definitely not silly to "worry about your appearance."

    You described noticing a very real connection between your emotional state and how you manage your appearance--particularly your clothes and hair--and if they feel like you being you, or like a costume. That alone, with no other factors makes it not silly. They matter to *you*!

    I'm not really sure why it matters, but I can tell you that it seems to matter to me too. Actually quite a lot. Since figuring out that I'm gay, I've been putting some effort into managing my an appearance in a way that feels like ME, and doesn't feel like me just going through the motions of what I'm supposed to do because I'm female.

    It actually has been really emotional for me to attend to myself in that way. I talked about in therapy and it kind of surprised me how emotional it was for me to just talk about it. I cried a lot. And I'm not usually a big crier in therapy. I think I was grieving that I hadn't allowed myself to do it sooner.

    In the past, dressing and doing my hair in the way that I thought I was supposed to instead of the way that felt right to me ended up feeling a little bit like an apology for my existence. Like, if you have to be in my presence, I can at least to fix myself up so that I look nice enough/feminine enough for you. And now I'm noticing that as I manage my appearance in a way that feels right to me, I feel much less apologetic about my existence. And I feel much more connected to myself and more able to be who I am. It's good, important stuff.
     
    #3 yeehaw, Jan 21, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2016
  4. SapphireShores

    SapphireShores
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    thanks <3 This is such a great place, I'm brand new and you guys are already helping :slight_smile:

    I always felt like worrying to this extent about my appearance was narcissistic and shallow (my mother is obsessed with appearances), but it really does matter. I'm getting my haircut hopefully this weekend, we'll see what happens.

    ---------- Post added 22nd Jan 2016 at 10:19 AM ----------

    i used to have regular therapy, but then i moved. The ones in my area are awful. (Not in Seattle anymore, but Seattle is the closest major city to me)

    I miss it. It was helpful, although I don't think I could have talked about my sexual issues to any of my therapists. At this point, they are all younger than me, and I know the books they quote by heart, so now its just depressing.
     
    #4 SapphireShores, Jan 22, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2016
  5. bluebo1234girl

    bluebo1234girl
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    Looking the way you want is about self expression. So if you arent dressing as you want to then you're not being yourself, someone else. So there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to look a certain way. For me dressing how I wish makes me feel good and Im in a good mood then.
     
    #5 bluebo1234girl, Jan 23, 2016
  6. ecallan

    ecallan
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    I think you should dress how you feel most comfortable no matter what. It's a form of expression and you should never conform to what other people think is best for you. In high school I tried to conform and it felt awful about myself. Went to college I let loose and my self esteem went through the roof. Now I have to conform again because I'm older and have a career. It sucks. Do what's best for you.
     
    #6 ecallan, Jan 23, 2016
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