After months of standing in place, I realized that I simply don't understand how to cope with this, I have no parents to stand by me as my parents are of a different generation, my siblings are living their lives, happily married and don't want me to change which leaves me all alone. My body is also so far gone, I stare in the mirror and it is hell and I feel like I never grew up, I see the emptiness and feel so lost. I just don't get it, what am I supposed to do, how do people do this, take one step at a time when there is no one that loves and cares for the real you and no one to support you and hold your hand so you don't fall. How am I supposed to look in the mirror and imagine that I will ever feel comfortable when I don't feel connected in anyway to my body, it will never be me and I feel like I will never wake up from this nightmare. This is a huge mess and truthfully I just feel that I don't want to play this game any longer, it is just not worth it and I've suffered enough. :icon_sad:
Is there someone you can talk to in your community? An LGBT or outreach center? There are suicide hotlines there is no shame in just wanting someone to talk to. You are worth it! Keep going, it will get better. People get through it, it's just so hard before you get through it.
The first step that I would take is finding people that you can talk to. I would look for a LGBT center or transgender support group in your area. Having people that you can talk and relate to goes a long way.
Thank you, I've wanted to go to a support group for so long but I haven't found it in me to make the phone calls. I live at home with my parents and have no real privacy, no control of my life and no feeling of independence. It hasn't helped me being disabled and having had cancer at a young age. It really feels as if I'm in a prison and I have to choice but to live for others because of my lack of sense of identity and feeling so lost, disconnected and alone. I'm struggling today and wanted some time for myself but my brothers and tglheir families arrived as they do sometimes 5 days a week and a few minutes later my door is opened and tgree diffeeent people come and tell me to come. So I force myself to put on a smile and act as if everything is ok because doing otherwise ends badly as insensitive comments are thrown my way ad criticism of my behavior follows. I can't be sad, I can't be anyone but the man they perceive me as because their faces darken and the world becomes unfridndly and hostile when I try to be myself. I can't move out because I lack the independence to do so. I don't have a car, I don't have friends I can turn to and the gender dysphoria is sometimes so bad that I want to scream out in frustration and pain but I remain silent, always silent and continue to suffer.
Sorry, I was a bit under the weather earlier. I feel like myself again and suddenly everything seems not so awful. It's hard not to fall into patterns of thought that are hurtful and I hate expressing myself in such a sad and hopeless way. I'll survive and in time I will transition and I am sure I will be happy. I will try to reach out to someone in the LGBT center and see if they can help. Thank you. (*hug*)
I'm glad you are feeling a bit better. I've been going through a down time the last few days too, so I can relate. (*hug*)
Hi Eveline, I totally feel your pain... you will get through this and things WILL GET BETTER. Although you may not be able to see a way, one does exist - it's just not easy to find. By coming here for support you have made a small step (however tiny) towards where you need to be. I believe this is the only way to get where we need to be.... Lots of small steps... sometimes we step backwards but generally we keep moving. However slowly... we will move away from pain and suffering. As others have suggested, is there LBGT support you could access? Bless you and hope you feel a little better today x x
You are on here so I assume you are also on Facebook and whatnot? Honey, I am extremely sorry. There is nothing more that I want than to hug you and rock you and tell you that it's all going to be just fine. I ask if you're on Facebook and whatnot because let me explain what happened to me to make me kick on the afterburners towards transition. I told my family first. I told my wife as soon as I knew on here I was questioning. Nothing. She regarded it with mock acceptance and told me I was delusional (literally) because of my mental illnesses (which could possibly not even be real, but rather a symptom of gender dysphoria!) and told me to get proof of my dysphoria from a doctor. A gatekeeper. Literally. My mother was next. She told me she understood and that I needed to grow up and it would go away on its own (this is the woman who used guilt and shame to trap me in her life for years and emotionally invalidated all my feelings, essentially leading me to not even express my female tendencies which she saw from a young age). And then my brother. He knew before Mom. His reaction? "I still love him, he is still my brother." OK. OK... That's... Progress, right? I lived on here seeking that guidance and that courage because everyone around me either dismissed me or told me I was wrong. And those who dismissed me just didn't know what to say so I pretty much made myself believe that, just like with my family, nobody really cares how I feel and that is just the way it is. And then I talked to a friend I met at an LGBT center. In fact I have gone to three LGBT places now. And each one called me she. They called me Caelyn and they told me, smiling, that they were so happy to meet me and that they got it. Two night ago I talked with my gf from the LGBT center before I moved to Texas and we talked for hours about all my insecurities and my worries and my guilt and basically you know what she told me? This was what got me to finally see how depressed I had been. It doesn't matter who stands in our way we because we have each other. I have her and you have me. I will talk to you for hours. I am not joking. In fact, I look forward to talking to you about all this because I freaking hate my body too but I'm not afraid because I am me. I see you. OK? It doesn't matter what your family says because they think they have some claim to the identity they made for you and honestly it's not their identity. My wife doesn't own my hair and it is My choice to dye it pink. If my family has a problem with me wearing falsies, well yeah it makes me feel awful, but I'm NOT a liar for showing them the real person they always loved, shining through my dreadful exterior. I have a few blog posts about how it was for me and I hope you read some posts by other people. But, honestly? Message me. You don't have to make a whole relationship based on something other people call you lying. I know the truth and I want to hear from you. Cool? You don't even have to pretend to be happy for me! <3 please message me? ---------- Post added 24th Jan 2016 at 10:08 AM ---------- Oh, and stop looking in the mirror, you silly woman! Dang! Are you trying to die of dysphoria?!
