Noticed since I came out recently, a feeling has come up on me that I never experienced before: Regret. Looking back at my twenties in particular, I was mostly dateless and depressed, and my low self-esteem (and physical health) held me back from taking risks and putting myself out there. At the time I had no same sex feelings, but also was so overly cautious when it came to anything romantically. It was only an encounter in my late twenties that finally opened me up to the possibility, and the feelings slowly grew and grew throughout the years afterwards. Feeling kind of resentful at my younger self for wasting a perfectly good opportunity to explore, and now having to come to terms with it so much later in life. On the plus side, my therapist has said it is good that I am addressing my emotions head on, versus them getting lost in the blur of depression like I would usually do. Logically I realize that one cannot change the past, and we must live for today, but guess am just trying to come to grips with it emotionally.
I can relate on some level. When I first came out to my sister-in-law the first thing she said was "you really missed an opportunity not coming out back in college." Which is true. I went to a very liberal liberal arts college that was known for it's LGBT positive culture. Opportunity lost... I never dated around in same sex relationships, and I guess part of me wishes I had experienced some of that adventure. I think everyone faces some regrets though. We can't do it all. We can only really do today.
Thanks for the response Bibliovan. Ahh yes college. Yesterday I was looking at a picture of myself when I was 19 and attending college at the time. Only dawned on me that I was kind of cute back then, just in a very non-masculine way, which at the time I translated as being unattractive. Was thinking to myself, "Dang, could have been a hit with the fellows back then!" (Hopefully this didn't come off as shallow or vain...it's more like a long overdue compliment to my earlier self after years of low-level self-hatred.)
It is very natural to experience feelings of regret for lost time after coming out to yourself. You certainly need to take the time and process these feelings as your therapist mentions. The remedy is acceptance. We each have our own timeline for our journey of discovery. We all picked up scripts from childhood that created shame and guilt that prevented us from coming out sooner. Our response to this programming is quite understandable, and we should not feel bad that it's taken us 5, 10, 20, 30 or more years to undo our childhood scripts. We just weren't ready to come out sooner. Forgive yourself and make the most of every day remaining. PS - One manifestation of this regret is the desire to hookup and date younger guys, which we feel somehow might magically turn back the clock and make up for lost time. While hooking up with younger guys a few times may be part of processing these feelings, in general it's best to date someone +/- 10 years of your own age.
"We just weren't ready to come out sooner. Forgive yourself and make the most of every day remaining." So very true, and try to tell myself that. Does help to hear it from others so I thank you, SiennaFire.
I'm having the same thoughts! Now that I realize I really want to try to be intimate with a woman, I feel like I have to hurry up before I look too old and unattractive! It is making me a little anxious and also is making it very difficult for me to slow down and let things develop at a relaxed pace. Even though I know that's really shallow.
I can totally relate to this. I keep thinking "what on earth were you thinking.. or not thinking...!!!" I want to kiss a woman, I want to touch a woman and be touched. I want the warmth, softness and intimacy. But, I´m trying not to regret anything. I have three beautiful kids that I love more than anything. And I just need to keep looking forward.
I can relate too, especially where I'm at in life right now. I'm married so my opportunities to do some real exploring are limited. My husband wants me to explore but I have to follow my certain rules, which makes things for me even more confusing and complicated (I find it frustrating). I think back and wish I had taken the opportunities when I was single and I'd probably wouldn't be feeling this way, so I empathize with your feelings.
I'm about to be 26 and am in a relationship, but I felt the same way during and immediately after my first round of college. I didn't know I was gay and thought I was ugly because no one seemed to like me. In hindsight I was/am pretty darn cute, but it was just that I was too shy and pushed everyone away. I agree that confronting your feelings head on is the best thing to do - it is far better to be in touch with yourself, even if it is painful. Address those feelings, but also try to think of the future and ask "What can I do now to make myself happy and grow as a person?" =)
Thanks for all the wonderful responses! Really helps to hear all your thoughts and feelings! Whoknows, my immediate response was to say that it isn't shallow at all, but a very human need to feel wanted and attractive. Then I realize that I myself have thought that as have been more concerned about my appearance lately. We are our own worst judges, and have to give ourselves a little break. ssxElise...yep exactly. I'm trying not to regret what happened as well, but also recognize the feeling of regret, and allow myself time to work through it. ecallan, yes I have a partner that I love, so exploration of same sex feelings will be very limited for me as well. I'm glad he is allowing you some freedom. tmhjdg, mmhm, if I had the slightest crush on anyone back then, the first thing I would do is withdraw from them, or act all flustered. Around the age of 29, I finally got a dose of confidence and self-worth, and was amazed how others would respond. Will be a lifetime task to work on that self-worth, but as you say, now is the time to do it.
I'm beginning to know how you feel! Perhaps the best thing to do is to live the life you've always wanted NOW, and imagine how great it's going to be when you look back on this time in ten years, knowing that you were your authentic self.
I think these feelings of regret shows that you have come a long way (further then me, definately!), so it's a good thing that they show up. I also think such pain is important to recognise and that we should allow ourself to grieve for our younger selves - all the lost oppurtunities, the struggles and the pain. But I guess it will only be "good grief" if we at the same time can empathize with our younger selves, and remember the vulnerability that brought about the inhibited lifestyle. Or else we can end up dwelling on all the things we should have done, which is basically just beating ourselves up. And I don't think you deserve that mate
Same here I'm 48. I missed it all, half the reason I post on EC is to try and encourage people not to make the same mistakes that I did.
I can relate to this; I felt ashamed of my feelings when I was younger, and didn't accept them until I was 36 and 8 years into my marriage. I often wish I had been more comfortable with myself when I was younger. Instead, I was frightened. I desperately sought the approval of others and 'society' at large. It was a waste of time, but better late than never, I suppose.
I've felt this regret. It's AWFUL, and I've worked very hard on letting it go. Living in the past, or holding onto regret, serves no purpose but to make me sad or angry, or at the very least, upset. So many wishes, and so much guilt for these feelings because they negate all the good things that came as part of the story I have. Letting go of that regret is one of the key factors in healing. Right now, I'm working on ensuring I don't regret my *current* choices. I'm trying to be authentic, and honest. Real. Today, we have a choice, and can be aware of it in a new and different way than we could when we were young.
38, not out (still caught on the Gay/Bi/denial/delusional tilt-a-whirl in my head) but I can really relate to this. I even went as far as to put aside a picture of myself (as a teen) when visiting my parents (just couldn't stand to look it him). Its easy to say "focus on today" but hard to do when the past that should've been is always perfect and today is break even at best. PC
Thanks again for all your thoughts...really means a lot to hear them! My introverted self will do its best to respond in kind. Gomez, that's a great way to view it! I'm thinking my 10-year-from-now self will be glad I did. Chrissy81 your point about empathizing with our younger selves is very important. We were young and only had so much experience and information to go on. I'll grieve, but hopefully it will be in a fond way of my younger self that tried to do the best it could. Billy, can understand, as I'm only 3 years behind you. Biblondegirl...I think Siennafire summed it up nicely above when he said we simply weren't ready at the time, to forgive ourselves and make the most of our days. I have to admit it takes someone besides myself to tell me that for it to be real, but am hoping that it will get to the point where I believe it when I say it myself. WanderingMind, seems like it's easy to paint an overly rosy picture of the past, or write it off as a big mistake. Like most situations, it's somewhere in between. In our case, we have to somehow remember those rosier parts. And yes, trying to be authentic as well, and not getting upset when all doesn't go according to plan. Well in my case 40's, but what's a decade among friends? In my darker moods, I've compared my current life to a epilogue of a story that never quite happened. Trying my best to look at Now as the beginning, not the end though. And those old pictures can be little devils, can't they?
It's so easy to get caught up in thinking that the past was, or could have been, perfect. Nostalgia goggles are powerful things and it's probably healthy to have some regrets... because they motivate you to have fewer regrets in the future. They make you take chances. They make you live the life you want now. Today is tomorrow's past. You gotta build the kind of life you'll want to remember, and remind yourself that your twenties aren't the be-all, end-all apex of existence. You have so much life ahead of you at 38.
