First, I have been married for 27 years with three boys. One is young and the other two are adults. Through my entire sexual life with men, I have rarely, if ever had an orgasm. I am attracted to my husband but dont feel as though sex lasts long enough for me to have one. However, in previous relationships, there had been long lasting sex sessions and nothing has happened. I have always been a sexual person from a very young age. But not having had sex till I was 16. I dont remember when it was that I first thought of being with a woman but I believe it was some time in my mid 20's. It was just thoughts. A friend that I was attracted to and wished secretively that she would act on something but never did to my dismay. Well that friend is since long gone. Recently, while drunk and on the internet, I came onto another friend via message and we flirted the thoughts back and forth thru the night. The next morning, I felt bad and we discussed it and we agreed that it wouldnt be a good idea due to her relationship and mine with our husbands. But since then, I cant stop thinking about it. I'm feeling this huge need to explore myself sexually but I in no way am open to bringing another woman in bed with me and my husband. It would ruin our relationship and that is not what I want. I want to stay with him forever like I promised and raise our youngest son as planned. I feel like if I met someone and acted out what I want to, that I'd be cheating. And yeah, I guess yes I would be. I dont know what to do. I really, really want to be satisfied in bed and by a woman but I dont want to ruin my relationship. I'm so confused and feel like I'm being selfish with these thoughts and wants but at the same time, why cant I. Why do I have to lead a life of sexual frustration and ignore my needs in the bedroom. I just really want some heavy hot orgasms like everyone else has. I dont want to die not having what everyone else has. Its bringing me to tears right now thinking about it. Any realistic advice or anyone else going through the same?????
There are several of us hanging around on here who are in similar situations. My husband and I are able to have satisfying sex, but I still have desires outside of sex with him. At this point, I've not acted on those (outside of some hugs, handholding and light cuddling, which are ok with him), and I have committed to remain monogamous unless our "rules" change. I think there are more answers than 1) Only sex with him, 2) Cheat or 3) Leave him Some folks have successful open or closed loop marriages, and others have "exceptions" to their monogamy (which I guess we kind of do with the handholding etc with my bff). My husband knows of my attractions; we are able to share fantasies, and we talk about celebrities we think are good looking. That's as far as we've gotten, but I'm working on being ok with what feels like a snail's pace (today), and I know some days I feel better about it than others. Hope that helps (*hug*) Feel free to write more details or ask questions.
I'm sort of in the same boat as you. I'm married and have recently come out to my husband as bisexual. He seems very open to the idea and wouldn't mind us bringing another person into the bedroom with us, so long as all parties were consenting. However, I have yet to explore my own feelings on the matter because I just am now coming out as bisexual and am doing a lot of self exploration first. I too fear exploration (actually brining someone else into the bedroom) on a big level because I worry about cheating or becoming too attracted to someone I might meet. I feel frustrated too because I want to explore but I also have to consider my husband's feelings on the matter which makes things really complicated. Is your husband aware at all about your attractions/fantasies or desires or would that make things more complicated or cause problems for you marriage?
Mine is aware of at least 90% of what's going on. I try to be considerate in the details I share, while still being honest with him.
I am yet another person with similar concerns. My partner is completely open to bringing another woman into the bedroom, and has also said he is okay with me having sex with a woman without his presence, if that's what I need. However, I still feel guilty to admit that my current preference would be for him not to be there, at least the first time. I think I'd like to be a little selfish the first time and focus on what's going on with me, which seems like it would be easier if I wasn't also thinking about him, while also wondering if she would rather just be with him without my presence. It seems so complicated! I worry though that this preference of mine is an indication that I really don't want him involved with this at all. This feels disloyal to my partner.
I could never let him be with another. I just couldnt. I would ruin our relationship. Yet I have these desires. Once, a very long time ago we were at a party, I got very drunk. I went to go find a friend. She was laying in a bed. I didnt know she was nude and laid next to her and was talking and while we were talking, I noticed, I asked and she told me she was naked. We then started to talk about our experiences with other woman. She had some, I had none. She allowed me to kiss her, and to kiss and touch her breasts. I think maybe, I touched her elsewhere but I was really wasted. Well at some point there was a knocking at the door and it was my hubby. Well he didnt suspect, I was fully clothed. When we got back to where we were staying I confessed. Yeah, stupid me. He was upset. I asked why, I said, men like that. He said, yeah, when they are involved with it. So yeah no............Im not bringing it into our relationship. Id like to with myself though.
So yet again, I find myself, by myself, all alone in the night. I dont resent, or will ever regret that my husband puts my young son to sleep every night, late. But I feel as thought I'm being neglected. I understand its not his fault but I feel very, very neglected. Would a woman understand and find time for such things? ---------- Post added 23rd Jan 2016 at 01:26 AM ---------- This sucks, this really sucks. I put a prono in, girl on girl. Went to wake him up, after falling asleep in my sons bed, every night, he wont get up, twice now. What do i do then, watch it by myself, just like always..............not that i watch a lot of porn though, i meant like get it on with myself
In reading your posts, Bluebo, it sounds like you're feeling alone in more than just the sex part of your relationship. I know how alone I felt before talking about my desires with my husband, and how hard it was to simply utter the words that I might, actually, sort of, in a tiny way (oh, did I lie to both him and myself at first) be attracted to other women. I know that ymmv, but talking to him helped, and has continued to help, a lot. Is there any chance you might be able to open up with him and share your angst? You shared that it upset him to not be part of things in an earlier encounter you had, but maybe, if the two of you talked about this and it wasn't all about something that actually happened or might happen, but about your worries, your feelings, and your thoughts, the conversation might go differently? (And, yeah, I'm struggling with how to move forward and not be inconsiderate of my partner's needs.) Bi2me...your post made me smile because there's a lot of hope in your approach. We, too, have found that talking about my fantasies can be healing in its way. We're really new at this whole thing, and the rules aren't written yet. We're not at a point where that's important---but we're aiming to have some ideas about the rules before that becomes a thing. ecallan/whoknows... We share a lot of the same fears: becoming too attracted to another person, incapable of focusing on his needs in the midst of hers and mine, disloyalty. What I can share is that the more open I am with my husband, the less these fears have a hold. It IS complicated, and frustrating, but it's also worth every effort to make it better. (&&&)
Well, It wasn't that he was upset that he wasn't involved. I think his being upset was because I had just recently cheated on him with another man. He didn't trust me. He thought I was a whore. I think he still thinks of me that way. I was faithful to him for 18 yrs. Through it all never having orgasm or thinking and feeling like he valued me. I met someone that did value me, we hit it off as friends and the rest was history. However, I never did reach orgasm with him either, regardless the loving connection. I didn't understand why. It's something that has lead me to believe that I might be more attracted to women than I initially thought. I dont know. I just feel like I'm getting old and I really truly have never had wow, that was awesome sex. I'm always left with wanting more. He had a problem, well still kinda does when I strayed a long time ago. We were not getting along, he was gone a lot on business and I was left home alone with my older boys. I found a friend. I didnt mean for it to happen. I could talk to him for hours and hours and miss him as soon as I said goodbye. It lead to more. Anyway, its over now, has been for a really long time. Yes, there are a lot of things I would change in my relationship. I feel like I'm progressing and my husband is regressing. I sometimes feel like he's just a big kid that I always need to tell or suggest what to do. I wish that he would just see it himself. But everytime I bring something up he feels as though I'm saying something is his fault. Im not saying that, Im just trying to get him to see another side. Something better. Better for our younger child. We have two grown adult boys and one three yr old. I dont want his upbringing to be like my older boys. Me doing everything and dad ending up being their best friend because he's immature like them. Anyway, this has gone all off base....lol
Um, like totally. Amen, sister. The problem for some is that while some parts of orgasms may be 'mechanical' physically, the other part of orgasm is all mental. And involves a certain amount of letting go of oneself in the moment. For the physical part, I know it may sound ridiculous but KEGAL EXERCISES. There are even devices that are sold that use strength resistance. When your muscles are stronger, they can be more receptive to stimulation. This may only apply to vaginal orgasms and not clitoral ones. For the mental part, a lot is just focusing on the pleasure, and the feelings and thoughts that come with the pleasure. If you can meditate for just 20 minutes beforehand, or take a hot tub bath soak with some candles. It makes me massively irritated to think of all the women at 20, 25, 30, 55+ who are struggling with orgasms, when almost every male has had about 9 billion by the age of 12. You are special, and you deserve that experience. Regularly. If your husband can't or won't find the time, there are devices and even your own hand. Orgasm may not be easy to find, especially when you're not used to it. It might be an effortful process! It may take patience and time and practice. But it is worth it, you will find the benefits of feeling calm, clear-headed, serene, powerful as a woman. I know there are other questions, and they may be more important to you at times, but being in touch with yourself (pun intended) is a way out of the problems. When you know who you are and what you want, it's easier to act. Sorry for getting all uppity on this subject, but I feel very strongly about it. And here is THE ARTICLE that helped me. I wish you luck. How to Have An Orgasm with Your Vagina | VICE | United States
I'm also a fan of this vibrator: Dame Products | Home of Eva, the Hands-Free, Non-Intrusive Clitoral Vibrator You can have it on during intercourse and it doesn't get in the way (although it tends to slip at times). If you are still having sex with your husband (and want to continue), you might want to invest in this - or ask for it for your birthday or something.
