Hi guys, I just thought a flowchart diagram would work perfectly in this case but I don't know how to draw and upload it here from my mobile, so I'll just write it down: To come out: Yes A) Maintain status quo (i.e. Repress gay side) B) Open the marriage C) Break up and move on No A) Stay in the closet and repress gay side B) Stay in the closet and cheat C) Break up and start dating men without coming out I had an insight while laying out the possibilities above: the main difference is that by coming out you lose the full control over the outcome. I guess when you built the life you think you 'should' have: wife, kids, terraced house (here in Britain!), you do it with your left brain side, you can become a cold blooded control freak who wants to control every move of those around you like chess pieces, even if you truly believe you are chosing the best for everyone. On the other hand as the situation might get increasingly complex, the burden and stress will only increase until it becomes unbearable. Knowing my wife (not officially married), I know the first though it would cross her mind should I come out would be, why is he coming out, does he want to leave me, or have some fun around, or its just out of guilt? Honestly, YES - C would be the preferred option, however, I still have doubts as I think I love her in a romantic way and would miss her a lot. On the other hand, I think to myself, things are reaching a point where whatever the outcome, I would probably be better off coming out than not, so what do I have to lose? Maybe the time to roll the dice its approaching... If I am kicked out I can't be blamed. If she wants to make it work, (I don't believe it would), maybe this would give her the time she would need to absorb the shock and see and process everything for herself. (I am needing plenty of time to work through all this all well)
If you are gay, then my personal opinion is to come out. Trying to repress your sexuality is too difficult once the genie is out of the bottle. Thus your viable options are Yes - (B) and Yes - (C). Which of these you choose depends on your values. FWIW, I chose Yes come out and (C). Just to clarify - you have a wife but aren't officially married and have kids together? If so you may want to understand the legal ramifications since you are a control freak Once you have a better sense of where you want to go with this, we can discuss the logistics of coming out. Best of luck
As someone who came put to their wife but went the repression route, let me tell you that it is a lot harder than you may think. The desires and thoughts don't go away, at least for me. It's like you are just existing not really living. You may be able to do it, I am just telling you how it is for me. Good luck
You sound upset, maybe you should seek a therapist that is open and will guide you to the right decision for you. That's what this sounds like, is about.....you.
I'm married to a man and one of those who repressed my gay side for a loooong time. I can only say that repressing it is a difficult option. I thought I could make it work, I thought the feelings would go away, I thought I could handle it. I have a pretty strong mind but it got to me. I saw that repressing my feelings just led to other things, such as frustration, stress, self-hate, guilt, control issues, anger and more. I accepted the fact I was gay about 2 years ago and felt better. Three weeks ago I came out to my sister and joined this website. I feel like a lot has been taken off my shoulders and I feel more open and free. (!) The husband is my next step - whenever that will be. Not so easy with three kids and all that.
