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My husband won't talk to me...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by ecallan, Jan 23, 2016.

  1. ecallan

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    Hi guys, so today I'm feeling really sad and discouraged. Up to this point my husband has been supportive of me coming out as bisexual, which as made things for me so much better. I was making a post yesterday about how all of this fits into our marriage and both of our desires as couple. He's supportive of us bringing a woman into our relationship so long as all are consenting, etc, etc.

    He's really bad to come over and look over my shoulder and read or look at what I'm doing (he does it all the time, I have no privacy). He saw the tail end of a reply/quote another member had posted about my relationship with him and both of our sexual fantasies as it relates to my coming out to him. I had posted a lot of my feelings and confusion as it relates to my marriage etc. (I am really confused right now and doing a lot of self exploration that's about me and not about him).

    Getting to the point, he read some of it and thought I was trashing him and making him look like some kind of bad guy. Which wasn't the case because he only saw the tail end of a post thread. Now he won't even talk to me or listen to my feelings. I explained to him that I was talking about me and not about him but he wouldn't listen to that. He still doesn't seem to understand that I'm doing a lot of self exploration and exploring basically a whole new side to myself that I've shut out pretty much my whole life. I'm not sure if he thinks it's cut and dry or what. This has just got me so stressed out and not making my self exploration on the matter any easier.
     
  2. biAnnika

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    How comfortable would you be inviting him to read the entire thread/exchange? Might it help (though still acknowledging that he had no right to see what he saw, but saw it anyway)?

    Seems to me that if he refuses to read the context, then he's not really approaching this conflict maturely...and that doesn't sound consistent with his earlier acceptance.
     
  3. ecallan

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    He finally talked to me and just feels I paint him in a bad light. He wants to make it about me, which I'm having a hard time doing because he is part of the picture. He encourages me to continue to become more comfortable with myself regarding all the confusion I'm having. I told him I'm not painting him in a bad light and have always posted how encouraging he's been in this process. I told him I think I'm more the problem than anything in all of this because of my feelings and confusion about all of it. He says he just wants to me to be happy with myself and stop making it about him. It's hard to do because so much of does affect him. God, it's so complicated I'm not sure how not to drag him into it. Any advice on that?
     
  4. Ryuji35

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    He just have to accept that you are BOTH in this marriage and you are BOTH in this journey. Explain to him that your exploration, although in truth, more on yourself, but because of this Marriage, it's also about him.

    Clarify that you thought you're both in this together. It's not going to just be about you, it's also about him.
     
  5. Lemongrass

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    Sounds like when you include him in the conversation, it becomes a bit too real, and maybe makes him insecure about the future of your relationship? If you just discussed yourself it would almost stay in the realm of the abstract for him, perhaps. I really have no idea, he just seemed to have such a strong reaction that there seems to be something behind it. But what Ryuji35 said is spot on. Including him means you two are a unit that are going to deal with this together.
     
  6. Zen fix

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    He's pulling a power-play. You say he doesn't allow you any privacy and is now giving you the silent treatment. This doesn't sound good. You need to find a way to have your own space.
     
  7. yeehaw

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    Yeah, I agree. No privacy, and the silent treatment are both pretty unhealthy. It might be worth working on healthier dynamics. And working out a way for you to have some of your own space is an excellent idea.
     
  8. Distant Echo

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    Yeah. You're in trouble to be honest.

    You note in your first post that he is happy for you to bring a woman into your relationship. With him. Not for you to have a relationship with a woman. There's a world of difference. Think about it.

    Add watching what you are doing, and sulking because you've dared to mention him?

    He knows he is wrong and is scared others will point that out. Well, I'm pointing it out.

    Allowing you to have a threesome with a woman of his choice is not him accepting that you are bi. It's him thinking he can have sex with two women and get away with it.

    Step one. He should not be looking over your shoulder watching what you do. Bugger that for a joke. You are not his property to control.

    Now he is trying to control your sexuality by restricting you on how you can express it. With him present. With a woman of his choice....

    I repeat. You are in trouble....
     
  9. eden

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    ecallan, i wish you the best of luck.

    i'm married to a spouse who happens to be pretty darn awesome but is quite traditional. just say the word "transition' and the tears start flowing. i just joined this forum yesterday and i'm scared and life's gotten to a breaking point so i can sort of understand your distress.

    you can tell yourself "you only get one life, so be yourself" but after all the decisions you've made in life to get you to this exact moment, is it really worth undoing? or re-doing? i don't know. i'm trying to figure it all out still.
     
  10. ecallan

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    Everything is really complicated in my marriage and we do have points that I know aren't healthy, such as him looking over my shoulder a lot to see what I'm writing then it causing a huge issue for him. I don't like stuff like that. I'm here for myself, but I also have to consider him too because he's part of the marriage. He says this is about me and my happiness, yet I'm restricted to certain rules. I can't just go out and start up a relationship with a woman without him being part of that entire process, especially if it were to be a sexual relationship. That makes things very hard for me and I would honestly feel like I'm in the middle of everything trying to make two people happy and not myself. It's all speculation at this time because nothing's actually taken place yet, although I would love to be able to have a relationship with a woman, even if it's a plutonic one. I still worry over him becoming too overly concerned about my relationships and becoming insecure about it rather he thinks it's about my happiness or not.
     
  11. joshvolby

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    your situation is really complicated. i know how your husband feels hes been supportive to the point that he want to know every little things you do, but you dont like it and you want privacy in this matter.
    here is the thing he is your husband he is not somebody else, when you marry someone you give your self as a whole you will lose all the privacy you have. and try not to talk about your husband here maybe focus on yourself you can always mention that you're husband is supportive dont mention things like " (my husband taking me to places where I could meet and flirt with women)" i mean really do you really have to mention that? coz thats sounds like he is pushing you into prostitution (sorry but thats what came to my mind after ive read it). just make it simple and clear its all about your sexuality. and let your husband be part of this dont push him away. when you push your man away thats what hurt him the most.
     
  12. Really

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    I don't think we want people to feel they have to censor themselves here. And, I'm sorry but, once you're married, you give up all privacy? All? Sure, you want to be able to be honest with your partner but you have to be able to have your own time and space if you want/need it.
    I may have read this comment the wrong way but it felt dismissive. Don't ignore your feelings. Your husband is responsible for his own reactions. You need to be you.
     
  13. joshvolby

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    i think you got the wrong idea coz once you have a partner and you just do what you want, just go on by yourself, what do think your partner will think? jealous? you have secrets? you lying? you onto something? Have you ever had a partner? THE BIGGEST FACTORS WHY PEOPLE BROKE UP ARE SECRETS AND LIES. keep that in mind. oh and about the censoring part thats the problem why do think his husband ignoring her and put her in silent treatment, simple because he read the thread. and he read the comments. it gives him the feeling of cyber bashing.:***:
     
  14. yeehaw

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    I suppose we all have our own perspectives here, but ecallen, I personally think it is really important for you (and others) to feel free to process things about your spouse here.Particularly if you feel it is helpful for you. This place is full of people with really helpful and meaningful input on relationship dynamics that you wont be able to access if you arent telling people what is happening in your marriage. This is a safe and fairly anonymous place for you to process whatever you want to process.

    For years within my marriage I did not talk to others about the biggest and hardest problems I was having with my husband with anyone other than him and I truly believe that created an environment that allowed our problems to fester into bigger and badder problems. The problems needed light and air and help, not secrecy.

    And I pretty strongly believe a place like this is an appropriate place to air your dirty laundry so you can get help and support with these important and private matters.
     
    #14 yeehaw, Jan 25, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2016
  15. ecallan

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    Thank you everyone for the support and your ideas on the matter. It is helpful. My husband is a bit nosy, and he can be insecure at times. He does seem to accept that I would like to explore my feelings towards other women but I do have to be careful on how far I take a relationship because otherwise I'd be cheating on him. I'm also mindful of how far I want to take my exploration and include him on how I'm feeling about things. Right now is a confusing time for me and it may also be confusing for him too. I'm going through so many emotions right now it's like a roller coaster. For him on the other hand it's very cut and dry. My husband I are very close and I consider him my best friend so I talk to him about everything. I don't have anything to hide from him and that's why I told him first about my attraction towards other women. He's been supportive but doesn't like it when I paint him in a bad light as if he isn't supportive. I've made some posts reaching out about some of my problems with him (like this one) and he would again think I was making him out to be a bad guy. He doesn't know about this posting and I hope he doesn't see it (again no privacy). There are times he gives me the silent treatment when he's upset with me. I'm not sure why, but we always talk things out and come to a good agreement. He wants this to be about me and not about him and develop good relationships with other people and if I decide to want a deeper relationship it will be a decision that includes both of us because we are in a committed relationship.
     
  16. joshvolby

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    you want your privacy really bad, but the thing is your hubby will be doubtful and give him the feelings of betrayal. i guess you can ask for it if you started to date women. for me that part really need privacy. talk about it to your hubby told him that when it comes in dating woman you need your privacy. just be honest to him if you found one.
     
  17. bi2me

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    I've been married for 13 years, and with the same partner since high school. It is absolutely normal for people to have some privacy even when married or partnered. My husband and I do not check each other's phones or emails, even though we know all of each other's usual passwords. A huge part of marriage is trusting the other person and talking about any issues rather than spying on the person.

    I think you can reassure your husband that the forum is very private, and people do not know who you are. He can't be found out by what you type here. It helps you process your feelings and thoughts so you can better explain everything to him.
     
  18. FalconBlueSky00

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    bi2me got it -Trust- can't function without it. I've been married 16 years out to husband for 18 years. Privacy is perfectly normal. If you are both taking this big step, inviting another person into your private lives, it might be helpful to talk to a marriage counselor to strengthen your communication skills. Strengthening your relationship during big change is never a bad idea.