I'm approaching being okay with being gay in private, but I don't want people to know it. I am a bit of a stereotype in that I am effeminate, have a thing for women's fashion, and can be identified as gay if I act happy or like "myself." As a depressed person, I don't feel like my orientation is that obvious when I am miserable. How did you guys handle acting gay in public? To me it feels like going outside the house with no clothes on. I just can't seem to stop the posturing, for fear of how others will judge me or change their appraisal of me. I'm specifically referring to men who sound obviously gay and therefore put on a macho voice and/or avoid speaking whenever possible. Anybody have any advice?
Ahh, yes, that 'going outside the house with no clothes on' feeling. It's scary to be your authentic self, because it means that when people judge you they're judging the real you, and their criticism (real or imagined) cuts deeper. It gets at the meat of you. That's what being vulnerable is all about. It's the scariest, most intimidating... most wonderful, most liberating feeling in the world. Remember that you're not living your life for anybody else. If somebody reads you as a fem gay guy or thinks you're 'stereotypical' (you're not; you're just you)... big deal. You don't exist for some passing stranger's approval. You don't even exist for your family's approval! You have one life. Do you want to look back at the end of it and say you lived to please other people? A lot of it, I would think, is internalized shame. Your mind goes, "some people think there's something wrong with being an obviously gay man, so there must be something wrong with me, and I have to hide it." Whether or not you 'sound gay' when you're happy versus when you're miserable, I can tell you 500% that I would rather you be happy and flamboyant than miserable and... miserable. So would you. So would the people that love you, and the people you haven't even met yet who would love to know you.
Perhaps identify and try out some 'safe to be gay' spaces in your life? Is there an LGBT center in your area that you could visit? Some of them host various events or programs or can point you to same. There is also Meetup.com, which again may have various groups for various interests depending on where you are. These 'safe spaces' might either allow you to be yourself without being 'fully out in public' or to be surrounded by other gay men of all different types of personality and behavior and so 'just one of the crowd'. In any such case, I'd recommend being honest about where you are at in the coming out process and your behavior as a result thereof. Many of the people you meet may have been (or even still be) in the same space and it also avoids the issue of why you might behave very differently if you encounter them in some other situation in the course of going about your respective days. Hope this helps, Todd
