Unfairness in life

nb, I apologize for not going through all of your previous posts for background. From what I understand, there are men who are curious about being intimate with another man and sexual fantasies like you mentioned are common among them. Have you been with a man to get a better idea of where you are sexually? I may way out in left field and again I apologize for having no background on your circumstances. I firmly believe that things will get better for you. If you are gay, it is ok. Give yourself the authority to define who you are. I wish you the very best! Good luck.

 

I'm totally in 3 feet of snow in northern VA right now! I just shoveled my truck off, took me a good hour. Also, I only have PB and J to live on for the next three days... I freaking hate it now. (!)

Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm exactly where you are. I read all these posts of homosexuals having homo-erotic crushes growing up, but I never had any of that; I crushed on girls, as you have. But I am so totally gay, and I hate it so much. I'm not attractive either, and I'm freaking 31, so there's that.

Don't worry about being negative, this is a horrible world when it comes to the treatment of LGBT, this should be a safe place for you.

People in our generation grew up with one common insult slung at guys, and I think you know what it is. These young kids these days coming out in high school have no clue how lucky they truly are in that regard.

 

Gentlemen, gentlemen your attention please. I see many messages from nerdbrain, MOGUY, and Leopold.

a) The rush to label. I don't know what it is about American society, assuming you are all Yanks (Americans), that makes us want to label others and ourselves. Stop it. I'm not going to dive into why I think Americans do this.

b) Stop employing the notion of judging (a Christian Dragon) someone based upon a label.

c) Accept you are an animal. An intelligent animal at that. Animals have many different sexual behaviors - Kinsey Scale 0 - 6. I invite you to study this scale but please use the scale as a tool and not a labeler.

d) Always, always keep an emergency supply of beer on hand for when snow storms happen. Fill the bath tube with hot water, light a candle, pour a beer, jump in the tub and say, "I am me and thats ok"

Later

 

I want to ask a question here, and it may be shot down by some but I think it's worth asking.

Nerdbrain, do you find yourself at all romantically attracted to men? Have you ever fantasized non-sexually about men? That is, the fantasy of being in a relationship with a man, dating, cuddling, etc. All of the non-sex stuff?

Another more personal question perhaps, but have you ever tried being penetrated (since that's the fantasy you mentioned) during hetero-sex? There's tons of toys and other such items that people use. Wanting to be penetrated doesn't necessarily make somebody gay. It is all just different sexual tastes.

 

Nerdbrain asked, "I just hold on to this anger. How do I let it go?"

You have to process it, then make peace with it. You can do that on your own - through EC, your internal monologue and/or journaling - and you can do it by talking with others, such as a therapist, a support group, friends and family.

From what I've witnessed, those who rely only on themselves tend to make very slow progress until something clicks. Conversations with others tend to be more helpful because they'll say things you never considered, which can speed up the process considerably.

Below are three NYC-based resources that you might explore as you seek out new friends and new ways to process your interior rage. I am not personally familiar with any of these groups. I only know about them because of others.

NYC Married Men's Group (meets monthly)

NYC Bi/Gay Dads (meets monthly)

NYC-area ManKind Project - The ManKind Project is a national and international men's organization. Sexuality and sexual orientation isn't its primary focus. However, I've seen a number of bi and gay married men RAVE about the group and their experiences in it. I've heard "The best thing I've ever done for myself" on multiple occasions.

The Married Men's group meetings and the Bi/Gay Dad's group meetings are both hosted by The Center in NYC. The Center has many other group meetings on their calendar. You might want to check out their offerings.

I strongly suggest that you attend at least the Married Men's group. At a minimum you can learn about other options for finding like-minded friends in your area.

If you attend any of these groups with the hope of making new friends, a little patience might be in order. Most quality friendships take time and regular contact to develop.

 

Hi nerdbrain, I'm sorry you're going through so much anger and frustration. I'm 37 and married so I understand how this can make things even more complicated. I've gone through a whole range of emotions since coming out as bi-sexual. My husband was actually the first person I told. He was accepting about it and didn't pass any kind of judgment, although I do know he has his own insecurities about it (me cheating, running off with someone etc). We have a good marriage (I think) and I'm talking to him about all the range of emotions I've been going through on a day to day. Even though he doesn't understand all the emotions, he's supportive.

I think a lot of what you are feeling is completely normal because I'm going through the same types of feelings you are, and I'm at the same point in my life as you are. It's why I joined the site and I am utterly confused about all of it. My experience in my realization of my attraction to women came out of nowhere like it did for you, so I completely understand those emotions. It took a lot for me to even admit it and it's still hard for me to admit it, although I know it's the truth.

To cope with it with my husband he wants to incorporate into our marriage. He wants me to explore those feelings, maybe even consider bringing another person into the marriage for exploration if I were to meet the right person to explore with. We've started to incorporate it into our sex life and also into our social life. I know it may not be that easy for you and your wife, but that's how I'm trying to handle it in my life and marriage. Would simple experimentation in the bed room help you at all with your wife? It would be start at least. Not sure how helpful that is but I thought I would give you my suggestions on how I'm coping with it.

 

I wanted to comment on this - I think you might be surprised at the rallying of support you could receive, especially if your community/family is even fairly accepting. When my ex came out publicly, the people who were - oh, we love you; we'd never judge you; we want you to live your life authentically; what can we do to help; etc - was a phenomenal outpouring. It's not bad news; it's also not your fault.

I do want to caution, though, take care for your wife in this situation. The outpouring of support will be for you - she might feel like collateral damage in the situation. When my ex came out, most people didn't realize we were separated and only two people out of the entire outpouring of support even mentioned their concern for me.

Anyway, best of luck, I hope you're getting the warmer weather we finally got after snow - we didn't get a blizzard, thank goodness! - and I hope you find some peace with this new situation.

 

Hi, nerdbrain.

My (straight male) partner has long had a strong fetish for being dominated and penetrated by a woman. Not to be too graphic, but this is now a regular part of our sex life, I just use a strap on and there ya go. It satisfies a need of his that cannot be satisfied any other way, and gives him a very strong sense of peace and well being.

I would suggest you view some "pegging" porn and see what you think. Maybe your wife would be willing to try it. You can start small, don't have to get your full freak on the first time lol.

I had a bit of trouble in the beginning getting used to the idea. My sex life had been quite conservative before then. It took me some time to actually enjoy this, and there are still some more extreme aspects of our sex life that I'm not sure I'm comfortable with. However, if I could get my head around this I'm sure other people can too, including possibly your wife.

I'm not trying to negate your feeling that you are or might be gay, it is what it is, but I guess my point is it couldn't hurt to try.

 

Hmmm. There is a book by Joe Kort that I read a few months ago, called "Is My Husband Gay, Straight, or Bi?: A Guide for Women Concerned about Their Men". It talks about just the things that seem to be on your mind nerdbrain.

Here's a description of it from amazon.com:
"For decades, husbands and wives have faced the social tendency to shame, fear, and denounce husbands who have sex with men. Kort and Morgan's book offers a compassionate and understanding view that is grounded in science and clinical practice, rather than fear. Their book offers a surprising and pleasing depth to the understanding of this phenomenon and does not treat it in simplistic, black and white ways. Is My Husband Gay, Straight, or Bi? offers up a sophisticated view of masculine sexuality and eroticism that is sorely needed. Their work is a gift to the many husbands and wives out there who are struggling to understand the husband's same-sex attractions and trying to figure out where to go from here.

Male sexual fluidity is a cutting-edge, and sometimes confusing, topic. With empathy and insight Kort distills his years of experience helping couples decode and deal with a spectrum of scenarios into a single compelling volume."

Link to the book @ Amazon