Recently, through the Magic of Facebook, I've reconnected with some old high school classmates. I'm trying to "process" this, thus this post. Aren't all of you lucky to share this chunk of my journey with me? Yes, we are so lucky, comes a voice from the back of the audience.Just as lucky the week I was fired, my house burned down, and my dog ran away! That week was also the week my hemorrhoids flared up, and that was less painful than reading one of your posts!!!!! We were not particularly close years back, but got along well enough that it's not unreasonable to reconnect on Facebook. Indeed, this brings up one point. As regular readers of my babbles know, I whine incessantly about the difficulty of making friends. And yet that problem was as bad--maybe worse--back in high school. I am reminded of this, as I look through profiles on Facebook, and see old photos that date to our high school years. Most are taken at various social events. None include me. It's highly unlikely such a photo including me ever existed, unless, say, the photo was taken at some quiet moment at school, and the operator didn't do a good job of photographing around me... I had no social life whatever. Not one invitation. And no real sign of interest, either. Sort of like the present. My social life is mainly things like chatting with acquaintances after a weekly Top Secret Event. With no sign of anyone really wanting to know me better. Evidently, I failed the Make Friends!!!! unit in Kindergarten... I am reminded, too, of my mother's concern. One day, about the start of 12th grade, she was ironing. We were talking, and she urged me to try and make a friend during the coming year. How sad it was that I had none. Or something like that. It's interesting, because ordinarily she was pretty insistent about the importance of being a student. Being a student was, she said many times, the first job of a high school student. Of course, the old photos also show dates gone by. Something I've never had--have never had at any age--although I guess a date back then would have required me to go out with a girl. :eek: And while thinking of dates...I might as well add that I cannot help but note how good looking some of the guys in those photos were. I may have noted this fact back then, but with a huge helping of denial. And I wonder now...is one reason I had so much trouble connecting with other guys in high school related to denial? That if I kept a distance, it was easier to deny attractions? I can't say, but I can say I wonder. Back to the present, it's a little saddening and disheartening seeing how well people have done vs. me on just about every level imaginable... :tears: The one positive thing, though, is this: I suppose by accepting those Friend requests I'm showing a bit of vulnerability. At one point, I'd have steered clear of old classmates. For fear of them learning what a huge failure I am. For some reason, though, trying to project a good image no longer matters as much as it did.
Hey BMC, just some thoughts here. I too felt myself to be a social failure through high school. I chalked it up to the people I was in school with (whereas you seem to solely blame yourself...whether or not that is appropriate). I was dying to get to college...and indeed I did find a comparatively rich social circle there. But most of high school was socially miserable for me. I was not likeable. I was not like other people. I was more intellectual than they could stand (and I still probably am). I did have one or two friends...people I could talk to...we bonded around feeling like outsiders, and one of them helped me to see the problem as being others, rather than myself. But still one or two friends felt like a social failure. And like you, I would have been in none of the photos. Then as I said, I hit college, and things changed, and I became such a different person than I was then. The biggest thing was comfort with myself, who I was, my sexuality, etc. Confidence it attractive. Important lesson there. I had scoffed at the idea that I might ever go to a high school reunion. But by the time my 20th came around, I decided to go. My friend was going to be there. My partner was going to go with me. I decided I could make it ok, however it went. And I was stunned. People were human, people were interesting, and people were *interested in me*. They'd thought about me since school, wondered where I was, what I was doing. Me??? Seriously? Why? Apparently, I had more regard than I was aware of. Make perfect sense: I was so down on myself at that age, I couldn't have let myself see the interest of others. On reflection, I strongly believe that if I had been more open myself, more ready, more accepting, those people may well not have sucked as much as I assumed they did, may have actually embraced...have actually *wanted* to be my friend. But I wouldn't let myself see it. I've not gone back to other reunions. I may. But that one was eye-opening. Fun even. Anyway, I share this because, although I don't know the full story of what you consider to be your failures, socially or otherwise, I do know that this is a common thing. Adolescence is hard, and we have to work to truly get past it. People today also don't care whether old classmates are successful or unsuccessful, or in between...only the assholes would gloat over failure or weakness (and I'm not certain there really were any of those in my school). Most just want to connect. I've been reasonably successful, but I don't look at less fortunate classmates with disdain. If they don't despise me (as I always assumed they did), then I'm happy simply to know that...and I derive some healing from the understanding that they never did. I don't know if any of this helps...in any way. But I thought I'd share. Facebook is, after all, the ultimate class reunion. *hugs*
Another sad thought crossed my mind this morning. And not for the first time. High school might have been a chance to have experienced sex. That is, sex with another person, not Mr. Palm and His Five Brothers. Obviously, every other gay boy was also in the closet, with the door nailed shut. And that era was one when AIDS was still very scary news. I certainly was scared stiff. But even a sleepover (which I never had) with masturbating with another guy would have better than nothing. :tears: I suppose there is always hope... But it's hard to have much hope. I am not the most marketable guy for a relationship--most guys would take one look at me, conclude I'm white trash, and move on... And I cringe at the idea of even thinking of a hookup... Oh, well. I suppose going to my grave a virgin will a novelty for this age. :lol: ---------- Post added 25th Jan 2016 at 06:14 AM ---------- It's helpful. If nothing else, it's nice to know others had problems, and survived to tell the tale! ---------- Post added 25th Jan 2016 at 06:18 AM ---------- There is a lot of truth in this! Indeed, it's an explanation for more than one Facebook friend request. ---------- Post added 25th Jan 2016 at 06:24 AM ---------- I went to part of my 20th reunion. A cheap, low cost picnic, not the formal main reunion event. I can't remember that I scoffed, but I certainly had some cynicism. But I went, and the experience was overall a good one. I half regret not having done the ten year reunion. I don't know if I'll go to the next one; however, it's a real possibility I'd do so.
This is spot on. There is actually a growing body of research that demonstrates that Facebook can be linked to depressive symptoms. This is especially true when users spend their time evaluating themselves in relation to their 'friends'. Facebook can also have positive effects if it helps you to connect and interact with people. One interesting review paper is: Steers, M.N. "‘It's complicated’: Facebook's relationship with the need to belong and depression". Current Opinion in Psychology 2016, 9:22–26.
Good point. I think I've heard that. I've certainly noticed Facebook can make me feel worse. Probably with depression. But also with feelings of social isolation. Ironic that something that is busy trying to connect us all can make us feel disconnected. :dry:
That's because Facebook "friendship" is not real friendship. It's possible to have thousands of Facebook friends (many people do) and yet not have one flesh-and-blood friend. When I go to a coffee shop and see dozens of young people all occupying tables singly, all staring into their iPhones instead of talking to each other, I despair. Not long ago I decided I was done with Facebook. Unfortunately many of the groups I belong to use Facebook to communicate. I then found I could remain on Facebook but cut out 90 percent of the "noise" if I just "unfollowed" most of the people I am "friends" with. Works great for me.
I remember in high school I was constantly terrified that someone could tell just by looking at me that I was attracted to women. I believe that added to my unease and resulting lack of confidence.
