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*really* uncomfortable with what I am guessing is my own internalized homophobia

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by yeehaw, Jan 24, 2016.

  1. yeehaw

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    So, this has been going through my head a lot. Pretty much all of my life I have had non-straight people as friends. Since I have figured out that I'm gay it has added something uncomfortable to those relationships (for me anyway). I have always felt like I was very accepting of all versions of not-straight, but really how accepting could I have been if I wouldn't/couldn't see my own gayness? I feel like being closeted to myself for so many years is a clear sign that I wasn't as accepting as I thought I was, and I find myself wondering if my non-straight friends have done the math and can see it too. I kind of want to shy away from non-straight people I have been friends with for years as I feel like I wasn't as good of a friend as I thought I was. I keep thinking things like "well it was OK for you, but not OK for me" and how shitty that is. Has anyone else run in these kinds of circles with themselves?

    Also, if I'm 100% honest with myself, I don't want to be gay. And I feel like such an asshole for feeling that way. I want to want to be gay, but really, deep down, I don't want it. (It seems too hard and scary.)

    Also, is all of this internalized homophobia? WTF?! I NEVER imagined that homophobia was part of who I am. I don't want that either. But I think it's there.
     
    #1 yeehaw, Jan 24, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2016
  2. freeapril

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    I can relate to all of this! I have so far avoided coming out to any of my non-straight friends for the same reason. I keep telling myself that they must have had a hard time accepting themselves also, so they won't judge, but so far that hasn't given me enough confidence to come out to them. Also, I still have some uncertainty which seems to come up whenever I am feeling uncomfortable with my orientation, but I feel like that will also come off as non-accepting....
     
  3. yeehaw

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    freeapril, I of course don't know what your experience will be, but I came out first to straight friends first for this reason. When I did come out to not-straight friends I felt nothing but compassion from them. All of them, without exception. And two of my gay friends (who do not know each other) said something along the lines of "yeah, this makes so much more sense to me, you as a straight person just didn't compute."

    Somehow though compassion from friends hasn't changed this "apparently I'm a tremendous asshole" feeling I've got going on.

    And for real, if anyone out there has a solid understanding of internalized homophobia I'd love to hear from you. Is that what this is? And what the hell do I do with it?
     
    #3 yeehaw, Jan 24, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2016
  4. Miri

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    Don't worry so much about it. If their outward reactions were as you described, I'm sure their personal/private reaction is also "I'm so happy she finally accepted herself" rather than "Wow, what a personal insult it is to know she struggled with her sexuality for THAT long." They've gone through the same self-doubt, so they should have a little idea of how hard it is and how long it can sometimes take to truly accept oneself. If they don't, they're not good friends. nun

    I understand also what you mean about not wanting to be gay. I was the same, for a few months after admitting my sexuality to myself. It comes as no surprise - LGBTQ individuals tend to face more hardships in life, including sexual identity crises (sometimes beyond the initial self-discovery), social stigma, discrimination, and the dreaded "straight crush," to name a few. Myself, I've experienced fierce homophobia from my father, who I've had to pretend to be straight to ever since. So it's by no means enviable to be gay, even though that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it, nor that gay people can't be often more thoughtful and loving than straight people, as a result of their own journeys (as I've seen in my own experience). Being scared of being gay doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, or that you're intrinsically homophobic. It's a normal reaction, and I think you'll eventually come to terms with that as well, as I have.

    As for what to do with it, there's really not much, except to accept it and recognize your feelings for what they are, as you must have already with your sexuality. It will probably take some time to come to terms with your anxiety about being gay, and that's totally normal. Again, I can't stress enough that it doesn't mean anything bad, and it doesn't make you a homophobe. It's entirely natural, even expected. If you find yourself panicking too much about not wanting to be gay, keep in mind: this is who you are, this is who you love, and love is the most beautiful thing in the world, not something to be scared or ashamed of. Just because it's not the most common thing for girls to fall in love with girls doesn't mean it's abnormal, or immoral; ultimately, it's about people loving people, and that's what matters most, more than what color eyes the people have or how tall they are or what their genders are.

    Good luck in all that you do, and may you find happiness. U u U
     
    #4 Miri, Jan 24, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2016
  5. yeehaw

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    Thank you so much for your very thoughtful reply. It helps. The parts above were especially helpful.

    The examples you gave of what my friends might be thinking kind of shifted something in my head for me I think. Really, the personal insult vs happy she accepted herself bit helped a lot.

    And thanks for normalizing the anxiety about being gay. I wasn't thinking about it the way you described it, and the way you described it sounds believable/true to me.

    And hell, sitting with my intense, crazy, unexpected thoughts and feelings without pushing them away is becoming pretty familiar territory for me. I suppose I can invite even more crazy and uncomfortable thoughts and feelings along for the ride too.
     
  6. Chrissy81

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    I can certainly relate to this. I see myself as a tolerant and open minded person, but at the same time I have major difficulties in accepting myself being gay. Frustrating and contradictory stuff! But as I dig into it, I don't think it is quite the same (for me at least) as prejudices in general. Let me elaborate. I feel like a major part of my lack of acceptance is my own fear of showing my gay sides and how vulnerable that would make me feel. I feel like I would lose control and just feel vulnerable and weak (a feeling I unfortunately have very little tolerance for). So it feels like a lot of it is tied up to my anxiety about feeling so dependent and vulnerable in relation to others reactions.

    Unfortunately, I don't have any gay friends. But I do sometimes feel a bit stressed when I speak to gay clients (I'm a therapist). I feel like they remind me of my own frustrating situation - simply by being gay. And all the uncertainty I have to go through to fix my life. But I do still feel empathy towards them.

    But I think I have to give this some more thinking, feels like I'm missing something. Hope this wasn't to messy :slight_smile:
     
  7. rachael1954

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    I have had best gay friends my entire life. And always joked that "ha ha I am bi because women are hot"

    There's the analogy of the white person who claims not to be racist after doing something racist "but I have black friends!"

    That's how I feel. Like I've been pretending to love my friends and care for them this whole time, without really knowing who they are. Because I didn't know who I was. Now that I'm confronted that 100% I'm bi, maybe 60% I'm completely gay, I am in a puddle of tears and loathing and lost my sense of identity. I didn't just embrace myself and have a parade.

    I've said quite a few homophobic things to my friends, gf, and support network. I am surprised when they point it out to me, how ingrained it is. It's like my upbringing is talking and not me personally.

    Soooo basically I'm saying I understand, and have a lot of homophobia in myself. I think the more we talk it out, think it through, and also to an extent ignore it (to let our subconscious do some of the work) eventually we'll get through to the other side.

    But it SUCKS. Because I feel for me I'll always hate myself just enough to make being LGBT less enjoyable than it could be. But maybe in 5 years I'll come back and say all the internal hate is gone! Anyway thanks for your post, sorry I went off on a tangent but it really got to me. Thanks for your honesty.
     
  8. Lemongrass

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    Rachael1954 that reminds me of a question I keep asking myself when I encounter myself resisting my own sexual identity: Why is it I am so accepting and non-judgemental when I find out someone else is non-straight, but when I turn the camera on myself, I suddenly get puritanical and frightened? Part of it is the fact that sex was never discussed in our household ever. Another factor is that where I was growing up, homosexuality was mostly considered unthinkable, or reserved only for the most flamboyant types.

    If it were solely a case of understanding it logically, it feels like it would be a piece of cake. But it's having to undo all the years of subtle or not-so-subtle conditioning that can be a bear, as well as the guilt of having an opposite sex partner, and fearing what I might find if I explore a little too deep.
     
    #8 Lemongrass, Jan 26, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2016
  9. rachael1954

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    You are so right.
     
  10. Iowan1976

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    I can relate as well. I grew up in an ultra- conservative house. I grew up with that kind of information being pounded into me daily, so I was filled with internal turmoil for years as I tried to figure out more about who I really am. In fact, it has taken me to this day (Now in my 30s) to get comfortable about who I am that I feel like I am ready to date.