Divorce: Is it better to come out before or after?

It is really difficult for an outsider to tell you that. If it is part of the reasons why you want a divorce I think it is fair that you tell him. If it was the other reasons then I don't see any moral compulsion in telling about it pre-divorce. Have you checked are there any legal implications that this could have?

 

If you were a mostly loving relationship and this was the primary reason for the divorce, I think you should tell him. However you note the divorce is for other issues and that he his seriously angry. Therefore, I am not sure what is to be gained by telling him. You have already decided on divorce. It really isn't his business anymore. He could use it against you. It could make him so much more angry.

I do hope you are talking to an attorney. Please be safe if he is angry and violent.

It sounds like you are making the right choices here...stay strong and good luck in this!

 

I concur with maybgayguy, you want to consult and strategize with a divorce attorney before coming out to your husband. The attorney can advise you on the best course of action given your state's laws.

Personally I subscribe to the honesty-is-the-best-policy point of view whenever possible. I also know that pragmatically there are sometimes reasons to base the divorce on the negative behavior of the spouse.

Best of luck

 

I told my husband after I said I wasn't happy and hinted I wanted a divorce. He is not tolerant but surprised me by saying I must be bi since I never said anything and we have 2 kids! I thought telling him would help explain why I want to leave now after 19 years together. But actually it made it worse I think because now he keeps telling me therapy can fix me and God will forgive me for my sins. :icon_sad: My confusion was not the main reason, but I think it will be my strength to get me through. If it will make him angry and unwilling to work with you then maybe you should not tell him if it's not the main reason. Good luck.

 

I'm not sure if I can be any help, but I'm in a really similar situation, I too think about divorce with my wife, we have relationship issues beyond me being gay. I wrestle with "should I tell her, or devorce and tell her later" the biggest fear I have telling her beforehand is weather or not she will out me to the world because she's mad. Which I'm not ready to come out to everyone. I'm not sure if you have that fear or not. But it's definitely a big factor for me. Best of luck.

 

I played with divorce first then come out but didn't think it was fair to leave my wife without a valid reason this way she was able to heal quicker I believe

 

i am going through a divorce now. the reasons are well documented in my early posts so i wont rehash them now. she doesnt know i am queer but then i didnt know till about a year after the split. as for your question, OP, if he has anger issues i would make sure i have a safe place for myself and my kids; thats what i have as i am raising my son myself. having that distance and a safe place could be the difference between just an arguement and something uglier, anger can get out of controll easily, my ex proved that.

 

If the marriage is failing for reasons other than your sexual orientation, and if he has anger issues, it would be wise to tell him after the papers are signed and the deal is done.

The goal of a divorce is to achieve a kind of indifference (insofar as it is possible when kids are involved), once the divorce is settled, you have your own life back, to do with as you please. He will of course find out soon enough after that, and in the final analysis: so what?

It was my ex-wife who initiated our divorce, and although she strongly suspected that I am gay (most spouses do, by the way), I kept my mouth shut until the divorce was final. My marriage was a difficult one, hell it was a difficult relationship before we even got married. When I think of it now, my biggest regret was being as tolerant as I was of her misbehaviour and abuse.

Of course, being gay did not help, but our marriage was on life-support for way too long before that became an issue.

 

I would also recommend a counselor to help sort out your emotions and assist in making level-headed decisions throughout this process.

 

Do you want your kids to know? Because if you tell him at all, it will get back to the kids. Personally I'd tell them on my own timetable. You have other issues driving you to divorce. Your sexuality doesn't need to be disclosed right now.

 

I am so sorry that your husband had to bring your relationship with God into this discussion. He can say he believes that God will forgive- He can say God might do his or that-- however he is not God and cannot make a pronouncement on YOUR relationship with God and what God will do or not do-- PS if you are a believer God has already forgiven every person- it is what we do with that forgiveness that demonstrates whether we believe in God or not- my opinion- I hope it helps

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I have no advice for you- on when to come out- as many of us have already said- it depends on what you need. Consult the lawyer-- decide whether you think it will hurt or help if before or after-- you know him much better than we do.

I think that it will never feel like the right decision- and each decision will have consequences- good and bad . Which one makes you a healthier person- makes your husband and children healthier people and go from there.

Remember how he chooses to behave- what he says- and what he does - is all his responsibility ---you do not make him behave in any fashion or are the cause for the way he feels.

I hope it all goes the way you need it to go.

 

dont worry about being emotional, that's pretty healthy. i think we get the jeist of it, you found yourself, and your gay.(!) i will say this, if he isnt good to his kids, not to mention pets, you need to get you and them in a safer place. just my opinion having been there with my own son, he has blossomed like i never could imagine since he got out from under her direct influence. (&&&)for you and your girls.

 

sweetie, your life sounds like a femine version of mine. mom and dad, chief cook and bottle washer as we say in my house, present but absent other parent and when there abusive in different levels. mental illness plays a big part on my ex's part along with self destruction etc. you dont know how bad it really is till you can look back from the outside, dispassionatly, and see that you were like the frog getting boiled, the heat goes up a bit at a time till you find yourself in too long and too deep. good luck, i offer my "ear" when you need it.(*hug*)

 

Yes, this is what it was like for me. It is totally the frog in the water syndrome. When you are in it, you can't really see the dysfunction as clearly as those around you can. It's not until you get some distance from it that you can really begin to see how the toxicity in the relationship manipulated you and your perceptions of everything.