Maybe my title puzzles some people, but for me, porn has been a way to avoid my gay feelings. Because I don't look at gay porn, I look at straight porn, at women. I feel this obsessive pull towards this, and I feel like it has a calming effect on me. Like it takes me away from this constant uneasiness. Put in other words, it kind of gives me a break more than it excites me. I fear you may think that, well, perhaps you aren't gay then. Like when I told a therapist I used to go to, and she gave me the strangest of looks. But I am gay, I know it. But I do have a hard time allowing myself to have these feelings. And I feel like this porn stuff has turned in to an addictive behavior, and thus creating one of the barriers to feeling attraction towards men. It's like it is a way for me to regulate my feelings, getting a sense of control. Like anorectic people throw up. Or some people cut themselves to feel calmer. Or plain and simple drink alcohol. I feel a lot of shame about this stuff. But that is also one of the reasons I feel the need to write about it here, to "get it out there". Any comments or thoughts are welcome. I really just needed to get that stuff of my chest.
I was watching mostly straight porn while I was in the closet. Granted I didn't care what the women looked like because I was watching it for the guys. I will say I didn't mind at all when the women were hot, that made it all the better. I did watch gay porn mixed in with that though. It was when I came out that things changed a bit and I now watch mostly gay porn. I think because I was in the closet I didn't want to get caught looking at gay porn so that is why I did that. Now I don't care if someone finds out, I guess I would tell them, yeah I'm gay you caught me. Yes porn can be addictive though, you should try taking a break from it once in awhile.
I've been there, done that. Needless to say it didn't work. Just have some gay sex, it's liberating. And that's coming from me.
I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing for you to watch straight porn if it does give you the affect you desire (calm, stress relief, etc) when you're watching it. The thing I worry about is you mentally shaming yourself over your own sexual expression or feeling that watching straight porn is helping somehow push feelings of being gay away. You can't use porn (in general) to compensate for it. That just won't work and your only hurting yourself in the long run by allowing your mind to place all these feelings of guilt, shame and doubt in your mind. Those are such hurtful feelings and it wears on the mind after so long leading to other problems, like depression and self-loathing. On a personal level, I watch porn and I watch all kinds. I don't conform to just one type just because I'm a female. Plus, stereotypically (where I come from and what's been pressed up on me) women don't look at porn or so I've been taught. I'm a woman and you'd think I'd like straight porn right? Well, I don't limit myself to just that. I like lesbian porn and gay porn just as much because I find it enjoyable. Find what's enjoyable to you and makes you feel the best (in a healthy way) no matter what classification. To be honest watching gay porn and not denying yourself the experience may be so liberating, you won't know until you try it.
I think you are dealing with the stress of gay repression that is typical...gay or str8 porn, it doesn't matter. The relief you feel is the release of endorphens when you climax, which is the same no matter what way you achieve climax. It does not give you an long lasting relief because you are in the closet which is like living a second life and hiding behind a false facade. You need to find a place to be your true self. A support group of like minded guys. I belong to a social group of married and divorced guys that have a MeetUp social meeting every month. It's so fulfilling to, at least, be out of the closet for that time each month. Depression from loneliness is the biggest problem we face as closeted men.
Thanks for you comments and understanding guys. I should perhaps mention that I think (pretty sure actually) I also have some gender identity issues, i.e. that I'm transsexual. I mentioned it briefly in my first post here. But at the moment I'm trying not to focus too much on it. I'm trying to take one thing at the time. I didn't think of mentioning it when I wrote this post, but it probably has relevance. Anyway, I've watched gay porn a couple of times. I can feel some excitement, but not always. The feeling sort of comes and go. I think it probably has to do with the shame (I've got enough of that!) and/or maybe the trans stuff. I agree that it's not really a bad thing to watch porn - gay, straight, whatever (although my mind and feelings don't quite agree on this). But to me it feels kind of obsessive, and therefore mostly negative, at least in the long run. Because it seems to shove some core emotions further back, deep into this closet of mine. I would like to meet like minded people. But that will have to wait a bit. I've planned that my next step will be talking about this stuff with some friends - not the porn stuff though
Also used to watch hetero porn and can find some women hot. Now that I am in the process of self-discovery, with the advantage of hindsight, I think I can understand a few things I had earlier misunderstood as sexual attraction to women. I think a lot of times I was turned on by seeing hot women doing stuff because I was imagining myself in their situation and how lucky they were. Other times, I think I would be turned on by the display of feminine sexual power, but I would see the women as out of reach and I would feel a bit guilty, its almost like, 'I am hot but hands off, its not for you'. Now, if I watch solo male porn, I feel desperately wanting to touch, smell, taste and feel everything in a way it doesn't happen with watching solo women, there is no feeling of this guilty 'not for you', or feeling like a peeping tom.
I am male biologically and gay porn doesn't excite me at all, therefore I watch straight porn always. At first, I thought that this was an indication that I am straight male. But now I think that I am attracted to guys but as a girl maybe. This makes me somehow straight when it comes to relationships and porn. Of course, I am still not 100% sure of that, but I think I am on the right path of self discovery.
I could be wrong but maybe you feel ashamed of same sex attractions or experiences. I fought and felt guilty for many years of my life because society around me in general looked at it as a bad thing. I felt left and lost battling what felt right and ok for me was looked at as something wrong by someone else
Yes, I was thinking the same thing! But it just feels so damn hard to know. Atm this feels like hypothetical speculation to me, but it does make sense And I think it might also explain why I find it so hard to feel attraction towards anyone, regardless of gender.
