Mother of all heartaches

Scenario:

Recurrent indications that two people in the same office building fuck each other on a regular, perhaps even daily basis, despite both of them being in committed relationships.

You're hopelessly in love with one of them, and you were trying to accept it and move on. As good old Fortune would have it, your work space is also situated right inbetween theirs.

You can't switch jobs, and suddenly disappearing would rouse too many questions. Solution? Except cry as your heart breaks over and over, waiting for the day when you will be glad you didn't get involved with another goddamn cheater?

It hurts like hell. God, I wish I could just switch off these feelings.

 

Thank you both. Really. Yes, I know I deserve better. I know what love is, and it's anything but this.

I guess what's troubling me the most is that, being confronted with this almost every single day now, I'm in this constant state of numbness, coupled with a sense of a deep anger, perhaps even hate starting up. I'm not even able to cry.

How am I supposed to behave at work? I really feel like just avoiding her—and him too.

I've tried to be her friend more than anything—to be respectful of her existing relationship and to protect my own feelings, and while I succeeded at the former (not taking the bait the time she hit on me), I failed at the latter. I'm pretty sure she knows I have feelings for her and I feel so stupid for having these feelings, while of course I also know that it's not "my fault" as such.

Why the hell would she pick someone with a work space right next to mine? Why would anyone want to hurt someone so badly and rub it in their face? She could have approached any other person in the entire building, but she picked the one right next to me. To top it all off, he's this insecure, arrogant guy with a wannabe attitude. I've lost any sense of respect I had for her.

 

Thanks, dirtyshirt.

I know you're right. Time, and meeting a woman who treats me like a person.

 

@Really: Thank you so much. You always make me smile. I love the idea of free cake btw! :lol:

@idsm: Don't worry, I do that sometimes to read up on people's stories, too. I'm actually touched that you cared enough to do that. Thank you.

Nothing to be done, indeed. As it stands, I figure I'm just going to ignore and avoid them both as best I can. At least it should give me back some sense of control of my own self.

Truth is, I started seeing someone who treats me very well and who seems solid, but I kept her at a distance for a long time because of this woman.

I felt more and more like I was just laying my heart on the line without her "risking" anything. Without her making herself vulnerable. When she finally started making herself a tiny bit vulnerable, it felt like it was too little, too late. She may have found out that I was dating someone, but for god's sake, what was I supposed to do? Walk into her hotel room that one night and eat her out? She's married and I had no reliable indication that I was anything but a flirtation to her. I felt like an idiot over and over and over. I felt like she could say "Jump" and then I would jump as high as I could. How could I feel like anything else than a pathetic piece of ego boost?

All my pride and dignity right down the drain. All these questions spun in my mind like "What does she want from me? Attention? Sex? Friendship? Relationship?" The two latter were what I would have been open to—the last more than anything. And not just any kind of relationship, but an intimate, trustful, loving relationship with a woman I could trust.

I knew I wouldn't be able to trust her down the line if I had jumped at that one chance (a chance that totally surprised me, by the way, came out of the blue). The last thing I wanted was to be a one-night-stand or an affair. Imagine all the drama—worse (!) (<- wow, ( !) turned into a dancing banana. That's funny.) drama—if all that shit had gone down.

Besides, I have oral HPV (compliments of my cheater ex) and so I don't just spontaneously kiss or have sex with people, because a) I don't want them to risk infection without knowing and having had time to consider, and b) I want trust and emotional intimacy before physical intimacy. So basically, I had a ton of reasons not to follow that super seductive look she gave me and go into her room. You know what the saddest part is? I'm kind of wishing she'd read this and understand me. I wish she'd had an ounce or two more of empathy. Right now, I feel like she'd probably somewhat empathetically challenged. If I didn't think that were the case, I might have talked to her about all of this shit and sorted it out.

Thinking about it, I guess she may have felt rejected, but being on the other end of someone's affair—that's just not me.

@brainwashed: At first I felt jealous, but that's been replaced by anger, sometimes also with despair and pain, but I feel more angry than anything else. I'm angry at her for her willingness to disregard my feelings when I've been trying to be a friend to her and respect the boundaries of her relationship despite being hopelessly in love with her. As it turns out, it seems I respect those boundaries one hell of a lot more than she does. Disparity in values, much?