Should i have sex with a man to see if this is real?

It first depends on your stance of monogamy... Being gay or bi may shock her, or maybe the fact you could have cheated on her would be more shocking. Consider the options.

 

I say go for it. If it's bugging you that much, then it's something that you need. I withheld from doing it myself for ten years and it drove me to the brink of crazy. Frankly, knowing yourself is more important than marriage, so I really think you ought to do it. Just don't tell her about it, is all.

 

I struggled with this myself - a lot. I came close but never followed through. I guess I felt that telling my wife I was gay or bi would be difficult enough but adding that I was having sex outside the marriage would make it so much more difficult.

I have settled on telling her that I am struggling with my sexuality (I am going to soon and am working with my LGBT therapist on that). I just feel that she needs to know this. I felt it would be disrespectful to cheat. Also, I wasn't sure how much having sex would tell me what I needed to know. Sex with another person could be awkward - maybe we wouldn't click - maybe I would feel guilty and not be able to settle in to the situation. I also felt that telling her would be more difficult if I had also had sex outside the marriage. Whatever happens in the future, my relationship with her and my kids is so important to me. I don't want to jeopardize that beyond what is already coming.

I am not saying this is the best path nor am I judging. I know a lot of good men have experimented while married and it was important to them.

One thing my therapist recommended was trying to be with more gay people. For example, it might be joining a support group (in person). Maybe meeting some men in similar situations - but for coffee or lunch. You can specify that on dating sites and you may find someone. This might also give you a better picture of who you are.

 

This is VERY tricky. I came out to my wife in October (we are still together and trying to work through things).

My experience and assessment of *my* situation is that she is MORE hurt by the fact that I was unfaithful both physically and emotionally (I actually fell in love with another married guy) than the fact that I am gay.

It's a slippery slope, and as Kasey said, really depends on your and HER stance on monogamy.

 

if you want to sleep with guy, you pretty much got your answer there on who you are. The only thing left is to accept it fully. Having sex with man doesn't really "tell" if you are truly gay or not. The urge and temptation of want to have sex with man is pretty much "telling" you what you are. What if you have sex with man and it was bad? maybe that guy was bad? You are gonna confirm that you are not gay or bi? Then the urge come back again and you try again with different man and it was good? Are you gonna accept that you are gay or bi now? Then what if it bad again on the third time? What are you gonna label yourself as? I hope you see my point. You are what you are, only have to accept yourself.

 

What kind of porn do you like? Who do you think of when you masturbate? Both of these can be a reliable indicator of orientation. Short of having sex with a man, you could try, as others have suggested, spending more time in a specifically gay environment (plenty of gay bars in Seattle) and see how you get on. If you want to discuss your situation with other gay/bi men in a nonthreatening environment, you could also try the Gay Fathers Association of Seattle (you don't necessarily have to be a father or even gay).

 

From a moral perspective, I am agnostic whether or not you should cheat. That's your decision to make based on your personal values. From a pragmatic point of view, you'll have a far easier coming out experience if you don't cheat than if you cheat and disclose this to your wife.

Realistically having sex with a man one time may not be enough. It took me several tries to get comfortable enough to enjoy it. For me, I knew this was real when I really kissed and connected with a guy that I liked and then

 

Yep, I agree with this regarding the stance on monogamy. I wasn't nearly as hurt by my ex coming out as I was by the emotional relationship he had developed. And actually, had he had a one night stand or some such (which is totally not his personality at all), it would have been easier for me, but still hurtful. The emotional betrayal was and still is the absolute hardest part of it all. Be very careful and think through your options.

 

Look at it this way OP, let's say you tell your wife before you have sex with another man and she's okay with the fact that you're gay, but she forbids you from having sex with another man at the threat of divorce or whatever-- you're going to find yourself more trapped than you already are. Whatever you do with a guy is between you and the other guy and has nothing to do with your wife as far as I'm concerned, so I say go for it before it starts to really drive you crazy.

 

I'm going to disagree with you slightly in terms of it having nothing to do with his wife. While yes, on the surface, what he does is his business, but it is also her business because she believes they are in a committed, monogamous relationship. She has the right to be in such a relationship if she wants, and she believes that's the relationship she is in. Honesty is a majorly important thing in a marriage.

Mind you, I'm not judging the OP at all - I've more than documented here how I've been unfaithful to my significant other, and I told myself the same thing - it's not about her, it's needs I have that she can't satisfy, etc. - but at the end of the day, that all becomes a very slippery slope to go down.

 

One way or another the OP has sexually charged thoughts for members of his own sex. Eventually he's probably going to have sex with another man. Why delay it? It is about his needs, not about her. If you ask me, maybe she should have worked harder to satisfy him because there's clearly something missing in their relationship if he's even thinking about having sex with someone else, be it a man or a woman. I held off on having same sex relations for over ten years, and it did irreparable damage to my psyche and my ego. Nobody should have to feel bad if they want to have sex with someone, and monogamy is such a Hallmark Cards thing it's atrocious.

That's why I argue in favor of OP having sex with a man to clear his head. He needs this. That's what I kept telling myself the night I first had sex with a man. I needed it. I told myself I needed it, not necessarily because I wanted it, but because I deserved it. I was ready to hang myself if I didn't go through with it, because it was burning and gnawing it's way through my brain; the question "do I like sex with men?" had been in my head for far too long and it was beginning to be detrimental to my mental health. That's not a good thing to go through and a straight marriage should not stand in the way of fixing that.

 

Ignoring her needs (and if she wants monogamy and that's a need for her, it's totally valid...I don't disagree with your view of monogamy, but that doesn't mean that somebody who does want monogamy is wrong for it) for his needs isn't necessarily fair at all though. I agree, I think if he has a curiosity, he should follow through with it sooner than later. I mean, part of me thinks you don't need to have sex with a man to know that you're gay or bi or not, you can know just by knowing. What you do with that knowledge is your choice. I just think the best way to avoid a much harder situation later on down the road is he should be honest with his wife now and tell her what he needs. If his needs and her needs don't match up, then that is something they will have to figure out how to deal with/move forward from.

You're right, a straight marriage shouldn't stand in the way of you being your true self...but that means deciding to step away from the straight marriage, be it by separation or by deciding as a couple to change the type of marriage you have.

 

It absolutely is her business if he committed to a monogamous relationship with her. The vows I took didn't say - forsaking all other men - they said forsaking all others. Does that mean that I don't think cheating happens or that relationships change - of course not. I actually believe that marriage should be a contract that is negotiated on a regular basis, not the interminable thing it is now, because I think that re-negotiating would lead to better and more stable marriages and relationships.

The other issue is safer sex and STIs. Don't get me wrong, I don't believe gay men are hotbeds of STIs and practice unsafe sex more than people in heterosexual relationships. The thing is, though, you never, ever know. My ex and I hadn't had sex for at least six months when he started his relationship. But I still had myself tested now that I'm in a relationship. These are just the things you do. If the OP has a discreet, safe sex encounter with another man, decides he's actually bisexual and wants to continue to be with his wife and somehow picked up an STI, what happens then?

BigRedSailor - I'm not judging you at all. Your choices are obviously your own and your relationship with your wife is between the two of you. I really want to recommend that you seriously think about what you will discover from a sexual encounter and what your next steps will be if you decide to follow through. Maybe consider how you would feel if the situation were reversed. That's what I've asked of my ex in many ways - to look at things from my perspective. It's hard, I know.

 

And that is a huge issue. By going out and having sex without her knowledge or consent, your partners become her partners, and she has absolutely no say in the matter.

In my opinion, it is far better to bring up with her that you have bi-curious feelings now before it gets to that state where you are sneaking around. Also sneaking around tends to lead to riskier behavior. While every couple is different, it was much less stressful for me to come out to my partner without that extra baggage. It's still a work in progress, but without the guilt.

 

Marriage is marriage. Not the wife's fault if you're gay or confused when you married her. Cheating is cheating. In marriage, people made vows to each other. People forget that so much. Vows. It's not something you discard because you suddenly have carnal needs. What happened to Honor, Dignity, and Respect?

OP is in a committed relationship. HE committed himself to this. So, even if this is something HE needs. He just can't do it secretly. He will betray his WIFE if he does it.

Suggestion: Talk to your wife about it. It's her business as much as it is your own as your decisions and eventual actions will affect HER.

 

A lot of times we get so hung up on working out our own happiness, that we start to consider risking the happiness of others. I don't consider myself a wise person, but I think I at least have this right. It is always better to be proud of our actions long-term, than it is to be happy in the moment.