an update from my first post. sorry in advance about the length... So, the cat is out of the bag, as it were. After an excruciating week of anxiety (I think I only ate three times and took sick leave most of the week) I told my wife on Saturday night. I had given her some warning the weekend before that we needed to talk about us and that it was going to change things (thus the excruciating week before the reveal). She knew about the depression, meds, and that I had seen a therapist a few times. She is actually the one that realized I was depressed and needed help back in November. She was nervous about the conversation as well, because she didn’t know what I had to say, but I thought better to give her a warning rather than just lay it all on at once. On Friday night I had this moment of clarity – something to the affect of “I can control how I feel about this, I don’t need to be sad about it anymore.” It has been one month since I realized and accepted that I am gay. I think I have been in mourning about it since then – and I was/am tired of being filled with angst and sadness. It’s not my normal resting state and I think my mind and body are saying “enough already.” I had planned to tell her Saturday afternoon. We had a big snowstorm here so were more or less stuck at home. The hours ticked by and both of us were tense and avoided serious conversation. Finally, after a few whiskeys (I needed liquid courage) we sat down on the couch that night and I just told her everything that I wanted to say. I had written a script – I didn’t read it, but had it nearby to make sure I hit all the important points. The script didn’t actually include me saying “I’m gay.” After I said everything, I asked her if she had any clue to what my realization was. She had three guesses and one of them was that I was gay. That made the admission that much easier. Afterwards, she said that she said that as kind of a joke, as she had no idea that I was gay. We talked for about four hours with lots of emotion and tears. Bottom line, she has been really supportive since then. We have broken down several time since Saturday – her more than me, as I had a whole month beforehand to mourn our relationship. She says that the only thing keeping her going is that she knows that I am going through so much with this huge change in my life and she wants to be there for me. Just wow. While I can’t put into words how much her support means to me – I also have quite a bit of guilt about it, since I did this to us. Beyond the guilt, however, I feel like an entirely different person. We still have a lot to work through and it’s going to be really tough with her family as this unfolds, but for the first time in a long time I have a positive outlook on life. It’s a great feeling. I am more comfortable in my own skin than I have ever been. This confidence allowed me to also come out to my two best friends (both straight guys) and my parents. My friends have been very supportive and my parents are supportive but “still processing” everything. My wife has already told a few friends and her sister to get support and she has an appointment with a therapist next week. So, its been an eventful week. I am still nervous/scared about what the future holds because I have absolutely no experience with men, but at the moment I’m pretty positive. Sorry again about the length of this post, but I wanted to update you all. I couldn’t have done this without reading through all your posts to know that I'm not alone in this and getting your advice from my first post. So, many, many thanks.
Wow dude, that's awesome. It's a really touching thing, I mean, I'm not married, and I've had my fair share of relationships with women in the past, and the only one that ever really mattered told me to get myself straightened out and figure out who I was before I talk to her again... that was some time ago. Lo and behold she sent me a message, recently. She and I have much to discuss. But the snowstorm for you seemed to be a blessing in disguise. And there's no shame in needing a little liquid courage now and then. I'm sure in the time to come you'll figure things out as to where your relationship with your wife stands, but that's okay. The fact that she didn't stand up and dredge through the snow away from you furiously is a huge plus factor. I wish you well, my friend.
It sounds as if things are going very well. There will, of course, be ups and downs. Keep in mind the stages of grief you both will be/are going through, and the fact that you've had much longer to process this than she has. Go slowly and deal with things as they come up — don't try to resolve everything at once. Even if you don't think you need one, you might find having a session or two with an LGBT or LGBT-friendly therapist helpful. You might also check whether there are local support groups for people in your situation (and for your wife). For what it's worth, in my experience, people who had strong marriages beforehand are better able to weather what happens when one spouse comes out and remain friends afterward.
I'm glad she was so supportive!! That will make your journey a little easier I'm sure! I don't have any advice but your post touched me so I wanted to say I was happy for you.
Congratulations for following through and having the conversation with your wife. I think coming out at midlife to our wives is one of the most difficult and scary things we've done in life. I will echo Weston's sentiments. You've had longer to process your sexuality than your wife and that she'll need time to go through the grieving process and process her thoughts. Keep the lines of communication open and try to find a couples therapist. You may want to refer back to the list I posted before http://emptyclosets.com/forum/2938098-post7.html. As for the guilt, you must forgive yourself and transform the mindset that you did this to your wife. The reality is that you came out when you were ready. It's really difficult to overcome all the programming that we picked up when we were younger from parents, church, and society that being gay is bad, so try to forgive and accept yourself for being where you are. It's very liberating to no longer have to hide our secret. Way too much energy is consumed by staying in the closet. As for intimacy with men, while you may be nervous right now, eventually you will discover how natural being with guys is for you. You may even have a realization that you never felt this connected with your wife while you are in your lover's arms. These are the discoveries that await you out there.
I'm not one to say "congratulations" because for *me,* there has been nothing worth celebrating in my coming out to my wife and the subsequent necessity of going back in to save her from a complete mental and emotional breakdown. I am however glad that your wife seems to be taking this somewhat well for the moment, but be prepared for everything to go to hell in a handbasket. It can be a very, very bumpy ride. Take care.
Congratulations, WFW! Your story sounds so similar to mine that I thought you had copied and pasted it. LOL. My wife has been super supportive of me despite her own emotions. She is so empathetic and compassionate that she can't be mad or upset about something that has caused me so much grief and heartache. Like others have said, be prepared for bumps in the road - her emotions may change - anger is a stage of grief - and yours may change as well. My initial excitement was followed by an overwhelming sense of, "What have I done to my stable little life?" This too will pass. As with everything in life there is no turning back. Keep your head up and know that no matter how rough some days may seem, It Gets Better. I'm going to send you a friend request so I can keep up with how things are going. I need all the advice and support I can find.
I came out to my wife a year and a half ago, and we are still living together, albeit in separate bedrooms on different floors. We eat together when our schedules allow (increasingly less frequently), and we're almost almost together in the mornings, when we sit and drink coffee and discuss each other's current love life. We're each other's best friend. Given all that, I still intend to move out. I'm very comfortable here, and my wife is happy having me, but somehow I feel I need to experience living on my own as a gay man. I actually had the opportunity to move in with the man I've been seeing since shortly after I came out but decided not to because (a) it probably would have been the end of the relationship within short order, and (b) I just need to be on my own for a while.
Thanks for all the encouragement and advice. It has been a bit of a roller coaster since I posted last. My wife remains supportive, unbelievably so, but she is still processing. She has raised the idea of staying married and possibly having an open marriage. I know that is not something that she or I would be ok with, so she's still going through various thoughts and emotions. On the other side, she has also wanted to talk about next steps and the logistics of separating our lives. She even went to look at an apartment when I was out of town this last weekend. This dichotomy of ideas, confirms that she's still working through this. I've avoided talking about next steps yet, because I want her to have time to process everything. We are both action-oriented and fairly independent, so I suspect that we will move forward with separate lives somewhat soon. We don't have kids and both have good jobs, so its easier in that regard. She has also expressed a lack of self confidence -- she asked me if I thought guys would date her. My wife is hot, I mean she just is -- she's a natural beauty, she works out constantly, has a great, ebullient personality, and is quite a bit younger than me. At first I couldn't understand why she would think that, but I've realized that for the last few years she was not sexually or emotionally validated in our relationship, so it makes sense. Thats my fault, but we both know why that was the case now, so hopefully we can work through it. She told me yesterday that she doesn't think that the end of our marriage is as hard for me, which hurts her. My outward behavior proved her right, so I had to think about it. I realized that not only did I have a month more to mourn our relationship before I told her, but also that I'm just in a much better mental place not living a lie anymore -- a lie that I told myself and everyone else almost my entire life. At least right now, I am more comfortable in my own skin than I've ever been and am excited about the future. Once I told her that, she seemed to understand and feel better about it. Beyond us making plans for next steps, we still have to tell her parents -- who can be judgmental assholes and like to meddle in other people's lives. I'm not looking forward to that, but we'll deal with it as it comes. Any advice on how to go about this are welcome. Taxodium -- I thought about you a lot this weekend when I read your "her" post. Our situations are different--but just know that I'm thinking of you. I think you will get to a better place in your situation soon. Have you ever read Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud? It has Christian themes, which can be ignored if one chooses, but the underlying psychology is pretty solid, I think. I read the book in grad school when I was dealing with yet another crisis of confidence (which I now know was likely due to suppressing my true self). One thing from that book that I've always carried with me and one which is helping with my current situation, is the concept that we are responsible TO other people that we care about, we are not responsible FOR them or their emotions. Once internalized, its a freeing concept. I also read The Velvet Rage last week -- quite helpful to understand myself in this situation. Ok, its seems I write a novel every time I post. It is what it is. If you've gotten this far to read this, I guess its not so bad. Thanks again to all of you.
My ex moved out two months - almost to the day - after he came out. Part of that, though, was that he had already been in a relationship for five months and I could no longer deal with enabling it significantly.
No. We are, in fact, planning to live together for awhile as we have a 10-year-old son. My wife is finishing nursing school this spring and then we will move from the little east Texas town where we live now to Houston. Our plan is get a three-bedroom apartment and remain a family but explore our own personal lives. Sounds like Weston and I are on the same page with our spouses. My wife is my best friend and very supportive of me. Because we will be transitioning jobs, dwelling, school and lives, we thought it in our best interest to work together, not to mention keeping things as stable as possible for our son. We have two older children who already live in Houston on their own so we'll be closer to them as well. I plan, at some point, to get my own place as I have never lived on my own and really want to. In the meantime, we will continue co-parenting and remain friends until everything else is somewhat settled. Our 10-year-old is aware of what is happening and why and we include him in some discussions so that he feels a part of the changes in his life rather than just a kid to be drug along as some unwitting participant. He and his siblings are very supportive of me as well and just want everyone to be happy - and we are. ---------- Post added 3rd Feb 2016 at 09:52 AM ---------- I also want to say, to anyone who reads through all of these posts, that The Velvet Rage was so liberating for me and is highly recommended reading for anyone coming out at any age. I had already begun it when my therapist recommended it to me. It has so helped in dealing with internalized homophobia, which was a big issue for me growing up denying my sexuality from early on.
