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When You Left

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by MayButterfly, Jan 29, 2016.

  1. MayButterfly

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    Please share your stories of when you left. I am in such a dark, sad place, I need to hear how others did it. Sorry if this has been discussed.

    My husband is in denial and acts like nothing is wrong by calling me honey or giving me a hug yet also has periods of depression where he cries and begs me to give him a chance and he knows I am just being told what I want to hear by trigger and without me he can't live in our house. It is so difficult to constantly be on egg shells. I have not shown any signs of affection to him though I have tried to be kind, because I know this is difficult to absorb but I don't want to give him false hopes.

    I am not sleeping or eating, and am happiest when I am at work or he is away from the house. Everything I say is taken the wrong way. I don't enjoy time with him and now am even grouchy toward my children. I really do not have much joy in my life right now. I feel trapped.

    I have been able to spend time with my trigger since my husband started the conversation, and I feel so different when I am with her, and have never felt like this in my life. I want to be with her. I didn't intend to fall in love with her but I did. He can't make me feel the way she does. I don't want to be with him anymore. I know in my heart I will be happy with her, yet I am afraid of that life.

    I think I am ready to leave, mostly because I can't continue with his passive aggressive guilt inducing comments and seeing his pain that I caused. But I can't bring myself to actually do it. There's always something with my kids or work I don't want to mess with and upset anyone. I am afraid of what people will say. I am afraid of what my husband will do. I feel such guilt for wanting to leave but I feel like I can't breathe! I feel like why can't I just do what I want to do? I feel bad for giving up I guess. 19 years and for better for worse and all.

    So when you left... How awful was it and are you "recovering" from it? Do you feel a tiny bit relieved? Did the guilt subside? How did you learn to talk nicely to yourself and forgive yourself?
     
  2. angeluscrzy

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    Well my relationship had pretty much been shit for a while anyways, so the split hasn't affected me very negatively. I get blamed for everything that the ex feels is wrong in her life tho. Accused of turning the kids against her, stripping her of everything, using her, etc....
    That has not been so fun, but honestly I still feel way better now. I feel bad that I hurt her, and I really hoped to somehow be friends, but right now that seems highly unlikely.
     
  3. TAXODIUM

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    My story very much mirrors yours. I wish there were a simple, one-size-fits-all answer. Sigh.
     
  4. MayButterfly

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    Thank you both for responding. It helps to know I am not alone.