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Trying to embrace this new life...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by ColoradoRyan, Jan 31, 2016.

  1. ColoradoRyan

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    Hi - I have not posted in a while and thought I would check on. Long story short, I discovered I could be gay after a panic attack and the death of my Mom. I was a mess and broke down to my wife. I really thought that was it as far as our relationship was concerned. Well, we actually stayed together for over three years and just separated recently. My wife and I love each other dearly, but I could not relax within the relationship and kept being plagued with anxiety.

    I moved out a week ago, and no find myself in an apartment by myself. This is really hurts because I am used to having my wife and kids around. Now, I find myself lonely and a bit afraid. My wife is being extremely supportive as are my friends, but I have a hard time supporting myself. I recently read that living in the closet for a long time (I am 38) has detrimental effects on your self esteem, confidence, and overall happiness - bingo, right. I still get confused about whether or not I am fully gay, but I know I have to explore this to see what works best for me. It's just difficult due to the fact I feel ashamed for leaving my wife, not figuring this out when I was younger, and for my sexual feelings toward guys.

    I know that accepting this new reality will take a while, but I was wondering if anyone else who has been in a similar situation has advice on how to ease this and connect within the gay community? I was on ****** recently and while that was exciting for me, I felt the shame oozing from me. Additionally, seems like most just want to hook up and I am not sure I am ready for that. So, in the meantime I just kinda get through my days and think about being gay 24/7. I really want to get to the point I don't think about this too much as I have a tendency towards rumination and anxiety.

    I miss my family and old life, but I am doing my best to integrate into this new existence. Also, for the record I have never been homophobic and have always supported gay rights. However, I am living this now and it is truly eye opening how hard this is for me to accept. Aside from some experiences in high school and college, I have never had a relationship with a guy.

    Well, I could continue to ramble on but I think you all get the gist. Just lonely, confused, scared, and trying to accept myself.

    Thanks all.
     
  2. Lemongrass

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    Hi ColoradoRyan - I can totally relate...in fact came out even later than you! My partner has been super-amazing in understanding, and I also have felt guilt for this change in sexual preference so late in life, and while in a long term relationship.

    Unfortunately I have no advice, as I've just gotten started down this road, but just wanted to let you know I can empathize. And yes, would love to move past those compulsive 24/7 thoughts about sexuality...they can be maddening!

    Will look forward to seeing other's responses to this thread.
     
  3. crazydog15

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    I actually just finished reading The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs; it is about the shame and self-hatred that many gay men feel, especially those who had to come out a little later in life. It was actually so good that I read it all in almost one sitting (dinner plans last night got in the way). I have personally been consumed with shame, self-loathing, self-destruction, and trying to get validation from others since I was 11 and first learned that I liked members of my own sex. But this book actually has really helped, as has talking to a gay therapist. I found it through my local library.
     
  4. TAXODIUM

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    Thanks for sharing your story and for that book recommendation. I'll definitely check it out !
     
  5. ColoradoRyan

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    Thank you for sharing that book title - I will definitely check that out.

    It's very surreal to be caught in this shame. I think being gay is beautiful too, but it's just very difficult to embrace for oneself.

    To Lemongrass - I am sorry you are going trough the same thing. Just do your best to hang in there and do what is best for you. I must say that even though I am on my own, and that is not the outcome I wanted, I feel deeply that I am getting better, albeit slowly. I tend to get down on myself for feeling kess than good and experimenting with these feelings. I also have a tendency to compare myself to others. My therapist made a good point and said when you do that everyone loses.
     
  6. AKTodd

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    Hi ColoradoRyan,

    I would suggest finding things to do in the community that will fill your time (sitting in an apt by yourself staring at the walls is no fun), help you network and make new friends, possibly lead to you meeting people you might want to be more than friends with, and just generally help you build some positive feelings about this whole being gay thing.

    As to what those things might be and how you might find them. I did a bit of quick-n-dirty googling and would suggest the following:

    Meetup.com - Meetup is a social networking site that lets people with similar interests get together to socialize and do stuff. It is not a dating or hookup site, and includes a range of different activities depending on where you are, including LGBT activities. I checked their listings for Denver and there are nearly 50 groups of various sorts, including gaming groups, a gay dad's group, a hiking group, an ice hockey group, and even a square dancing group.

    My husband and I belong to a gay men's social Meetup group here in Norfolk and find it a fun way to get out of the house once or twice a month for dinner with like minded guys or other fun stuff. You may need to try out different groups to see what fits your interests and personality, but hopefully you will get in with a group of people you click with. It's also possible for meetup relationships to expand beyond the group, for example being invited to a member's birthday party or something.

    Primer Timers - This is a world wide social group for older gay men. It may or may not be your thing (I'm 46 and get called the 'young chicken' (jokingly) sometimes), but we've found that the guys in our local chapter are very nice and fun to be around. Our chapter meets once a month, usually with a guest speaker on some topic, does a drawing for some low cost item, and cake to celebrate whoever has a birthday that month. There are also sometimes day trips to different museums or other stuff in the area, potlucks for Thanksgiving and Xmas, movie nights at someone's house, a booth at Pride, dinners out at local restaurants, etc. I'm sure every chapter is a bit different, but it might be worth checking out. I checked and there is a chapter in Colorado, although I didn't see exactly where it is - but Denver seems likely.

    Your local LGBT Community Center - Pay these folks a visit. I looked at their website and the Denver center looks like it hosts a whole batch of activities and groups (they have a calendar). They will also probably be able to point you to other resources and groups in the area, such as sports teams (LGBT bowling, softball, flag football, and rugby teams and leagues are often to be found in the larger urban centers.), Gay Men's Chorus (do you sing?), LGBT friendly churches and denominations if you are of a spiritual turn of mind (or you can look these up directly), political and social causes that are LGBT or LGBT friendly, etc. Incidentally, if there are opportunities to volunteer at the center, I can think of worse ways to spend your time.

    If there's some specific activity that you're interested in that the Community Center doesn't know about, don't give up - google is your friend. In fact, I just typed in a search on 'LGBT sports, Denver' and a whole batch of results came up, including a site that lists sites and info on all kinds of sports in Denver, including tennis and darts (as well as rugby, volleyball, wrestling, running, hockey, swimming, bicycling, etc. etc.). I wouldn't be surprised if searches on other topics might be equally forthcoming.

    The upshot of this is that there is a lot more to the community than just apps and hookups - as with much else being gay is what you make of it. And, if you find yourself (or put yourself) in a situation where you are making new friends and participating in stuff - there isn't likely to be much time for sitting alone in your apartment wondering what to do - either because you have things to do, are preparing to go do stuff (did I mention that you volunteered to make the queso dip for the next potluck?), or are simply too tired from doing stuff to spend time brooding.

    Hope this helps and best of luck to you.

    Todd:smilewave
     
  7. greatwhale

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    Hey Colorado,

    I moved out almost three years ago, and as Todd stated above, it is important to get a sense of the totality of our community. Decently sized cities, like Denver, offer several opportunities for interaction and more importantly for you to make a contribution to your new-found brothers and sisters!

    For example, I am right now at Montreal's gay hotline in between calls. This has been an amazing experience for me and for meeting wonderful people, not just potential dates. I'm with Todd on this: get involved, and more importantly, have fun!

    You have suffered enough years of self-imposed oppression and shame; do something for our community that will make you proud of who you are and of your accomplishments! You are still so young, enjoy this crucial moment in your life!
     
  8. ColoradoRyan

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    Hello All - thank you so much for your advice. It truly means a lot that you all took the time to share your thoughts regarding this experience. I am in agreement, that getting involved will no doubt make all the difference. Over thinking this and staying isolated will only cause more loneliness and angst.

    You all are fantastic!

    ---------- Post added 5th Feb 2016 at 07:44 AM ----------

    Also, I am in the process of reading The Velvet Rage, and it is fantastic. Pretty much sums up my life and explains a lot.

    I would definitely recommend this book to all who are gay or questioning.

    Thank you again!