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Where do I go from here?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Countrygirl22, Feb 2, 2016.

  1. Countrygirl22

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    British Columbia
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    So will try and make this short as possible. I am 21 year old female currently in a hetero relationship for 8 months (my longest relationship). I care about my partner a lot and we have so much in common. It has mostly been a good relationship and he treats me very well, even when I have anxiety attacks. (I suffer from anxiety, a some depression, and have a history of eating disorder). Anyway, we are doing long distance and I only see him some weekends for either one or two days. I had small tenancies to think about women, and quite often dream about them at night.... But do not dream about men (other than my partner making me angry usually?) Lol don't know why. I had come to the conclusion after a drunk night and some somewhat inappropriate behaviour on my part that I am definitely attracted to women. My boyfriend thought it was funny and everyone was in good humuor but the more I thought about it the more my past started to make sense.... I had girl crushes in high school, had wanted to kiss women but pushed the thoughts away, showered with close friends (but refuse to shower with my boyfriend), am not cuddly with men at night but will cuddle female friends no problem. I do enjoy sex with men...I spoke to a councillor and he said I was probably bi or a lesbian in transition. Then several days later I got drunk again and hooked up with an attractive woman and it was amazing.... I have kissed girls before but not so passionately. I didn't think my boyfriend would mind because we had joked about it before and he said he didn't care. But then I did feel bad when he came home the next weekend, not due to what happened necessarily, but because he not only suspected I would have a moment like I did, and then I lied about it, but because I felt like I didn't want to be as close to him anymore.... I didn't want to be with him sexually but I didn't want to hurt him either. I felt empty and like everything was forced. It was hard to think about the future with him because I don't know where I see myself when I have been having mixed feelings for weeks or months, not only on this but occasionally on our relationship. He's such a good man and I told him the truth and about me questioning my sexuality and he wanted me to experiment, but it feels just as wrong as doing it and keeping it from him (and now it seems to just be a huge turn on for him). I love the emotional connection that comes from being with women.... I feel like I have not had that in a long long time. My boyfriend can be great when I need him but I feel like this may not even be a question if I knew in my heart I should stay with him. This is stressing me and draining me to be around him because I feel I have nothing to offer him emotionally or physically....its awful.... Any advice?
     
  2. rachael1954

    Full Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    NYC
    Sorry to hear your situation. It is very common here.

    It sounds like you don't really want to be with your boyfriend emotionally or physically from what you write? and you are only staying because he's a good person and your history?

    A break up is never easy, but staying with someone when everyday you dream about leaving them is not a good long term strategy either.

    I would ask you to stay with your feelings and examine them at this time, and not let him push you into things you don't want emotionally or physically. This is easier said than done.