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Caretaking

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by nerdbrain, Feb 2, 2016.

  1. nerdbrain

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    I've noticed a recurring theme here with gay husbands and straight wives. The husbands are often caretaker-type personalities.

    For me, this couldn't be more true. I love taking care of my wife. My feelings for her are extraordinarily protective and nurturing. I love to see her happy and thriving. I love to cook her dinner and tuck her in at night.

    And I think it goes for her as well. She often tells me, "I'll always take care of you, no matter what." When I'm feeling insecure (which is often), I curl up next to her like a cat or a child.

    This is what I've always imagined love to be like. A mutual safe space, where you value your partner's wellbeing almost above your own. But I'm starting to realize that this might not be a grown up love -- it's a bit childlike, with both people relying on each other for a sense of security.

    Also, there's no place for aggression in this world. Disagreements are so threatening, and it's hard to have a fight like a regular couple without the whole thing teetering on collapse. Aggression is an important part of sexual chemistry -- it's hard to have a rough, nasty fuck with someone who is kind of a security blanket.

    I posted about this before under a thread titled Codependency in Marriage. I'm just getting some more clarity on it now.

    The problem for me is, this bond, while perhaps somewhat infantile, is real and strong. When I think about finally getting a divorce, I fear I am losing my soulmate. And I worry about what will happen to her.

    It's almost funny because my wife is a very beautiful and strong woman. She rides motorcycles and recently went on a solo 2-week road trip in Australia. She goes rock climbing every week. She's not a shrinking violet.

    But I guess beneath that exterior she is just as soft as the rest of us. And for whatever reason, she is devoted to me. That makes me love her all the more, and makes the thought of divorcing her even more heartbreaking.

    Anyway, I just needed to get that out there. Thanks for reading.
     
  2. CameOutSwinging

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    Thanks for sharing. I can definitely relate to a few things in there.
     
  3. TAXODIUM

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    In my case, I'd say this is spot on. During my wife's latest meltdown last week (which seemed to come out of nowhere), I of course went straight into caretaker mode cuddling her, holding her as she sobbed, calming her, and wiping her face with a cold wet rag. When she calmed down, I immediately set about doing all sorts of things to placate her and validate myself to her. I took over the laundry she had put in the machine, helped her put groceries away, stood by as she cooked and washed dishes as she used them, etc. Note that these are things that I typically do *anyway*, however I noticed that I was almost OVER compensating in this behaviour and trying to make her feel better.

    Here's the deep introspection though... I was an abused child, both physically and emotionally. In the aftermath of her meltdown, it occurred to me that I felt EXACTLY like I did when I got beaten or emotionally berated as a kid. I would do ANYTHING to make myself relevant and validate myself to my parents.

    So... this unhealthy codependency is definitely linked to childhood emotional trauma. Wow.
     
    #3 TAXODIUM, Feb 2, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2016
  4. greatwhale

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    There is this amazing book, We've had a Hundred Years of Psychotherapy and the World's Getting Worse, by J. Hillman and M. Ventura from which I draw a lot of wisdom:

    A love relationship is a very strange place to find safety. What people want is a safe place for their vulnerabilities, and they go to love to find that safe place, but the problem is, because they are vulnerable, as long as they are completely open and vulnerable, nothing is safe...so from the book:

    I also fell into that caretaker trap, and it makes sense that you have observed this in other gay-straight marriages. My ex-wife had the added physical features to reinforce a kind of big-brother-ness toward her. She is very short, and 8 years younger, which stirred my protective side and which I thought was love. I can't call it love however...it wasn't love.

    Too often people go to love to be somehow saved, in their own private isolation. Again, from the book:

    I think you're here, because the passion mentioned above is what your soul craves, more than anything, it is that joy that so many of us need. The soul wants what it wants, it has no concern for your safety, or even your well-being.

    Your soul is calling you to something greater than yourself, it is up to you to heed the call, or not...