I’ve been lurking here for awhile; I finally made a profile and decided to post. I apologize for the length. A little history: my first kiss/relationship was with a woman in college. It was a surprise to both of us; neither of us had ever entertained the thought of being with a woman. I actually started going to the therapist at college, I was so messed up about it. I couldn’t even say the words “I think I’m gay” out loud. They just stuck in my throat. The relationship ended badly, after we graduated, her father figured it out about us and gave her an ultimatum, him or me. She chose him. After that, the therapist encouraged me to go online, try to meet another girl. That ended badly too; it was a terrible relationship, she mentally and physically abused me. I was out at the job I was at during that relationship - to my parents, friends, and at work. When the relationship it ended, my mom said something like, “maybe you should stop with all this and try men now?” On some level, I agreed. I never wanted to be gay anyway. Maybe I could put it all behind me and be “normal.” I switched jobs when I finally got out of that relationship. My new job (which I’m still currently at) is not gay friendly - especially not my boss, some of my direct co-workers, or the executives. I briefly tried dating a man; it didn’t go well. Personality-wise, but also I never could feel invested in the relationship, never feel intimate. I convinced myself that I would keep trying with men, but never went out of my way to date anyone. In fact, I’ve not been with anyone for the past 7 years. During that time, I’ve tried to watch hetero porn, and tried to think exclusively about men. I don’t want to be gay. I feel deeply personally ashamed, like I have disappointed my parents, like I’ll never be normal. Last year, all this simmering came to a boil. I spend most of the year feeling extremely depressed, contemplated suicide many times, even going as far as looking up painless ways to do it on the internet. Last week, I came out to my best friends. I am the godmother of their kids. We know everything about each other, they know about my past (I just had gender-swapped the pronouns). I was terrified I would lose them. I couldn’t even say it, I kinda made them guess. Childish, I know, but I’ve apparently reverted to not being able to say, or talk about it out loud. They sat on either side of me and held me while I cried. They said they loved me no matter what, that I shouldn’t be ashamed, and that my future girlfriend would always be welcome at their home. I’m practically crying thinking about it now. Thing is, I’m still going to post a profile looking for a man. I feel I owe it to myself to try to find a man I’m compatible with. I can’t go to my parents and tell them that I am really gay without saying I really tried with men and it just didn’t work. Also, I just wish I could be normal, maybe I just haven’t met the right man? I know that’s ridiculous. If I’m being honest with myself, I’d describe kissing men as “adequate,” and kissing women as “I feel it in my toes.” So I guess there’s my answer. But still. Anyway, if you made it this far, thanks for listening to my story. Reading yours has been helping.
Hi randomjen, welcome to EC! I read your story with a certain sadness. The foundation of this toxic shame is the feeling that we aren't good enough, not good enough to be "normal", as if normality was some kind of virtue. If you really stop to think about it, what is "normal" anyway? And why is being normal so desirable anyway? Of all the people you know well, even intimately, are any of them truly "normal"? There is a reason a mathematical average is called the "normal" value, to be found right at the centre of the "normal" curve, it is just...average. Not much to aspire to... You are subscribing to other people's notions of what is "normal", whether it is your mother, or the hostile environment you work in. Unless you decide that who you are is worth being, you will never cease trying to please others in order to fit in. You do have a choice: you can voluntarily, willingly and with intention simply decide that who you are is something to be proud of, that who you are is a worthwhile and beautiful human being, unique, loving, and worth loving as you are. You have been given bad advice. You owe no one, least of all yourself, the obligation to try anything that is clearly against your nature. Not to mention the shaky ethics of finding some man to "try" something with. Remember always that this is another human being you are talking about, someone with feelings, someone who could have feelings for you. For him, it won't necessarily be a mere experiment. Post often here, this is a wonderful community of support and it is open to you. All the best!
This is so sad.... I cannot imagine what you must feel. Let me tell you, if you know in your heart of hearts that you do not get the same spark kissing a man that you do kissing a woman, than it is a waste of your time and potentially a good man's to go and keep seeking what is not meant to be. I have been in a good relationship with a man for 8 months and have recently come to terms with my bisexuality (with a strong preference for women so I may be a lesbian in transition). No matter how good some one treats you or the relationship seems, if you're heart is not in it, than you cannot trick your mind to be in it too. You will start to analyze too much and see the imperfections. True love can be blind but if you are not truly in love I think you will not be happy no matter what with a man. Be honest with yourself, no one else matters. At the end of the day, youre parents are not dating the person, you are. "The heart does not answer to your mind; it reveals the deepest wishes to your soul. No amount of clever justifications or smart excuses alters your heart's wish, it just delays the richly fulfilling life you truly seek" - Robert Beno
If anything, you should focus on dating women so that you have a positive experience to draw on and assure yourself that this is the right path for you. In fact I wouldn't tell your parents until you are comfortable with it yourself. Trying to go the other way, against your instincts, will only make you feel worse and won't ultimately have any effect on your parents. If it didn't work during your trial, they'll just say you should keep trying. In other words, don't waste time trying to prove a negative. And when you tell your parents, it'll go a lot better if you are radiating confidence, self-assurance and joy instead of more shame and failure.
Hey Jen. My heart broke a bit reading this post. I know how it feels to reject who I *am* - for me, it means a deep and abiding pain. The path to acceptance has had its hurt, too, but I'm so glad to hear you've been able to come out and be accepted by two close friends. Is there a way for you to step away from worrying about dating for a while, and explore self-acceptance? I'm learning that the side of me I rejected for so long is actually quite beautiful. That the hurt and ache can be (not yet, but I trust eventually) put to rest, and I can accept and love the *me* that loves women. *Hugs*
A quick reply. So what is normal. Ya you're trying to be someone else's normal but that is not yours. My take. Screw the man thing. Go for what your heart says. You are a river. There are rocks in the river. Flow around the rocks. Make sure you exercise, drink plenty of water, eat right, no junk food, and meditate. I read this on www.psychologytoday.com Later
Absolutely true. But those other people can make me at most humiliated and skipped over for promotion, and at least extremely awkward. I acknowledge that some of this is only in my mind, my attributing characteristics and feelings to people who don't think that way at all. Agreed. And I don't want to be the cause of anyone feeling hurt. Hence the anguish over disappointing my parents with a non-traditional lifestyle. This is also true, and I appreciate you reminding me. I never considered doing that. Heh, makes so much sense. I suppose on some level, I'm scared to meet someone. Then it will all be real. I'm still in the mindset of trying to convince myself that I can somehow think myself straight. Which I know, is absolutely ridiculous and impossible. This. And thank you so much for putting it into words. I'm glad to hear that you are more accepting of yourself; it gives me hope that someday, I will feel that way too. Thanks to everyone who responded. I'm glad I found this site. It helps so much to read that other people feel similarly, have had similar experiences.
Well, to begin, I'm not sure I even have a real say in this because I still don't know what's going on with me. Always dated men, and from out of nowhere, I am involved with a woman and it is the most amazing thing. I feel things for her that I have not felt for any man in many, many years...if ever. Anyway, I feel as though I did the same thing for many years, trying to find the man that would complete me. Joining all those awful online dating sites and going to countless dates that felt like job interviews. Going out with men I did not feel an instant attraction to and thinking that if I met someone good, then something would develop. I think in my mind that meant the attraction would grow. That never really happened. I also ended up dating men either would not or could not commit. Yeah, don't get me started...not my proudest moments. Anyway, this woman comes into my life and it's like, "Oh, this is what it's supposed to feel like?!?" I honestly did not know that was possible. Please don't do what I did and waste months or years on something that will ultimately not satisfy or complete you. I think when it's the way it's supposed to be, it just sort of clicks. Yes, relationships take time and effort and I'm not trying to make light of that, but don't try to force something. You'll only hurt yourself and maybe another good person who doesn't deserve that. Just food for thought.
