I want to be hetero

Solving your problem will definitely not include changing your sexuality. It's not possible to "rewire" your brain and definitely not on a healthy basis.

You can have the same traditional lifestyle with a woman as well and maybe live in a liberal minded area where the majority doesn't judge you. Why do you care so much about how other people think of you anyway?
It's none of their business. Do you really want to change your sexuality because some conservative retards are telling you to do so? Does this seem morally better to you than just ignoring these people and doing what makes YOU happy?

 

I wish I had the words your looking for but I have not heard of a successful method for rewiring this. I would suggest immersing yourself in a world that is more accepting of your identity so you can feel less alienated by it.

It's easy to forget how terrible and bigoted the world is when you surround yourself with like minded and loving people. I realize that's not always entirely feasible, but I hope you become more satisfied with yourself. It's also scary because then you venture back out to the general population and come crashing back to reality...but there's a reason flocks stick together...o.0

 

I haven't heard of rewiring ur self to become straight and personally I dont think there is such a thing, I think we would have heard of something like that. Its OK to have these feelings a lot of people at the beginning wish there was some kind of 'cure' but as you accept you self you won't want a none existent 'cure' in the end. I know its easier said than done but I believe I was born to be gay and although its not easy at times I couldn't be straight its not who i am.try and Be around like minded people if possible. These people who hate gays dont listen to them or think about them if they cant accept that two people love each other even if they are same sex they have got small minds, its there problem. I hope u feel better about ur self soon and remember we are always here to help

 

By living a traditional lifestyle, I meant that in your country you even can get married,get pregnant, have kids, share a home etc. just like most heterosexual couples do. What's the actual difference between living this sort of life with a man and living it with a woman?

 

So you want to be hetero? I want to be ten inches taller, blond and to have blue eyes. It would also be nice to have a fine straight nose instead of this hook shaped one I've got. You get the point here: these are the cards we were dealt in life, we cannot change that. Some people start much worse off and are still able to find happiness. You have no idea how fortunate you already are just for the fact that you are living in the USA in the 21st century. You have total freedom to be who you are and the law is on your side. In some other places you might still get stoned for being a lesbian. Stop self-pitying and embrace your freedom and be happy just as you are!

 

IH8ME - I understand the desire to be "normal" trust me on this. I spent my entire life trying to do just that. I never understood why people thought I was different. I did everything anybody said to be the person that society seemed to want me to be. I even went through reparative therapy. Which didn't work, but scarred me for many years. As far as I know I have never found anything to do as you wish. I hid myself for decades, thinking that if society believed me I could live a "normal" life. But the one thing I couldn't hide was the self loathing and hatred I had for myself. It came through as depression, and social anxiety. It took years but I was able to come to terms with who I am. My only suggestion to you would be that you be kind to yourself. I hope that you find the peace your looking for.

 

You mention that it was a recent realization that you're a lesbian. How recent? I only ask because I wonder if you haven't had enough time yet to get comfortable with it. Were you comfortable identifying as bisexual before? That might have been an easier "pill to swallow" because the potential to achieve your "traditional" life was still possible.

The realization is harder for some than others and it sounds like it's quite hard for you. Some of the suggestions to get better "acclimatized" to the idea that I've found here are: watching lesbian entertainment (I don't mean explicit stuff but portrayals of normal relationships), walking around your gay neighbourhood and people watch and reading literature about lesbian life. While I didn't have near the hard time with my realization, these things have helped me, over time, get used to the idea that I could come out/get out and live comfortably as the real me.

I hope you'll give yourself a chance because you can't turn this off and it will be way better if you can find a way to be happy out it. It won't be today but doing little things like reading and posting here and maybe finding a therapist and/or LGBT resources in real life will help you get there in time.

Welcome to EC and please stick around.

 

Well a traditional family is just a man and a woman living together in their home with kids, being married etc.

the ONLY difference between this kind of family and an lgbt family with the same lifestyle is the gender of the two people living this life- the rest of it can still be very traditional/conservative.

In my opinion this can still be called a traditional family, but it seems we have a different definition of that word.

 

Hey there.

From what you're saying, it seems like your real struggle is with your own self-hatred. You're only imagining what other people may be thinking. And even if they were thinking that, you're assigning it a disproportionate level of importance.

It sounds to me like you have a bad case of internalized homophobia. At some deep level, you've fully bought into the most negative views society has about gays and lesbians. You believe it's disgusting, so you believe you are disgusting. I know, because I felt that way (still do sometimes).

The fact is, you have a far better chance of changing your belief system than your sexual orientation. There isn't any reputable evidence that so-called "reparative therapy" has ever worked. In fact it usually just makes things worse. I know, because I tried it.

It's quite a conundrum: you genuinely believe that it's wrong to be a lesbian, and yet you are genuinely a lesbian. The internal conflict will consume years of your life if you let it. I know, because mine has.

There's a good quote from some self-help guru: “Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.”

In any case, you're in the right place. Many people here on EC have fought this battle and can empathize with your pain.

 

Well, less than a year is very recent. I don't think anyone gets to wholly happy and out and proud in that time and if they do, I'd like to know their secret.

You say you'd rather die than be a lesbian (I hope that's just hyperbole) but what if one day you could be happy about it and perhaps in a great relationship with a woman and you were confident and proud and nothing anyone said or thought bothered you? And there might even be a way to inject her DNA into the pregnancy process? Is this something you'd like? Could you see yourself with all this?

I don't think it's unreasonable to think this couldn't be possible. (She might have a twin brother, who knows? But let's not get ahead of ourselves.)

I really think you need time to get used to this new knowledge about yourself and then to let it settle until you are ready to do or not do something about it, whatever you decide.

 

Yeah, I understand this perfectly. It's how I have been all my life, and a big reason things have been difficult for me. I don't hate gays, or know anyone who does -- so why do I hate myself for it?

In my case, I think the real issue underneath all of this is a fear of failure. More specifically, a fear of disappointing or hurting others.

To finally say, "I'm gay!" means confirming my parent's fears, means breaking my wife's heart, means accepting that everyone who ever called me a fag or loser was right. It means that my deepest, most secret hope -- discovering that my fantasies are just a kink or unresolved childhood issue, that I'm not gay after all! -- is dead.

It means giving up on Plan A -- what you refer to as a "traditional" life -- and having to invent some kind of Plan B, which is inferior by definition.

There's no way around it. It's a heartbreaking, devastating loss. I find myself sobbing uncontrollably sometimes. But like any major loss, life goes on. You have to pick up the pieces and find a way to move on.

The part I still haven't figured out is how you get past tragedy and into joy. Many people who are on EC report that they've got great lives now and couldn't be happier. I can't imagine a world where I look back on my life without deep longing and regret. I am haunted by my wife's sad, loving face looking at me with the unspoken question, "How can you do this to us?"

As you can see, I am still just working all this stuff out. Therapy helps. Coming out groups help. Having friends or people to talk to helps.

 

Ok, quick thought.

Let's say you're in a happy healthy relationship, the two of you are toodling around town, holding hands, enjoying the sunshine, checking out the ice cream shop and all is right with the world.

Now, somebody you don't know walks by you and spots the two of you and has an unpleasant, internal reaction. Disgust, if you will.

Ok. So now, tell me this. Whose day has been ruined? Now, remember, you don't know anything about their disgust because you're in your own happy world.

I'd say it was their day, not yours. They've let their ignorance or prejudice or whatever colour the fact that your life has anything to do with them. It doesn't. And conversely, you shouldn't let their tiny lives affect how you live yours. Try not to, anyways. Because, as they say... Living well is the best revenge.

Screw 'em!

Oops. Got a little over excited there. I'll go collect myself now...

 

I get what you're saying because this is how I once thought. But seeking out a traditional hetero relationship will not protect you from feeling the disgust of homophobic people. I thought it could work that way too. I've been in a straight marriage for several years and when people make anti-gay comments it affects me. It's never directed at me but I get so uncomfortable and feel awful about it. Maybe you think you can hide from it but those feelings pop up even when you're trying so hard to distance yourself from it.

Entering a straight relationship won't make you straight. Being gay won't just go away. There's nothing you can do to make it go away. The best thing you can do is take steps towards accepting yourself. It isn't easy. Many of us here struggle with it. What helps me is knowing that there are people who have been where I am and have come to accept themselves. They seem happier for it. I don't think anyone can be truly happy while living in the closet.

 

Hey there

Alright. I kind of get where you're coming from. I think this is a normal reaction because you're still processing. This is what I can add to all the other great stuff people have already said.

When I first realized that I had the capacity to be romantically interested in women, I totally freaked out. I was depressed...for months. At first it was exciting to me, because I liked someone, which is what made me realize. I had this very real thing that had my focus, but I kept making excuses: I'm just into her ONLY; she looks sort of boyish; she flirts really hard and who could help falling for that; she's super beautiful and sexy and I'm picking up on that but confusing it for sexual attraction on my end. I hated saying the word gay or lesbian in regard to myself. And was in literal disbelief sometimes when I was explaining my feelings for this chick and saying something gushy with the words "her" and "she" in the mix. I couldn't believe I was saying these things about a GIRL. Literally blew my mind.

I've had a little over two years to deal with this now. The first year and a half were really hard, and I've only recently accepted that I might feel happier with a female. I've always been with guys. And like you, considered myself bi -- but because I'd never liked a female romantically (just knew I could be into them sexually) it didn't phase me. It was only when the real threat of falling for one turned everything upside for me. That might be how you're feeling right now, and you're having a hard time accepting it, and that's okay.

A lot of your focus is on other people's opinions. I totally get that. I feel those moments sometimes - especially if I really visualize my life with a female. Not everyone in my family knows, and only some of my friends (most, but not all). Don't apologize for caring what others think -- this is how we're wired, but DON'T let it dictate your life. Your life is not meant to be lived for others. When I think about what a wedding or growing old or having kids with a woman would look like, it wigs me out. It doesn't look "correct" or like anything I see on a daily basis. But when I loved that girl I fell for... (literally sitting here shaking my head) I wouldn't have let any of that get in my way. I liked every part of her -- and when you have that, you'll feel the same.

I say, give yourself a break. Know that other people have gone through this, are going through this - will continue to go through this. I know that you probably want to rip out of your skin or something to run away from it. Just know that you're going to be okay. Feel your feelings, keep talking on here, and maybe find a therapist who specializes in LGBTQ issues to talk to, if you have the ability. If not, keep coming here. Keep writing. No one here is ever going to tell you how to reconfigure your brain to like men and only men - that's not something that exists. I'm glad it doesn't. I don't know how you realized that you were a lesbian, but after I experienced the feelings I did for that one girl, I could never go back, and I haven't! Love is a drug. Anyways, I just want you to know that you're okay and you're going to be okay. The world is so different now. Not many people look at the LGBTQ community and make a huge fuss or act like a disgusting piece of trash (which is the only way you should think of anyone who thinks that women and men should be together ONLY, therefore want to eliminate homosexuals -- by the way, I always think people who act so adamant about how bad gay people are happen to be insanely closeted -- not that it's true, but those are my thoughts. Also, that's a seriously BS biblical and overtly patriarchal ideal to have on women and men and the world. It usually only f*cks people up), and if they do, just remember that somebody hates and wants to eliminate other somebodies all the time. Literally always. There are people who hate and want to eliminate Jews, Muslims, black people, Middle Easterners, Christians... somebody somewhere hates someone for absolutely no reason. They're usually miserable morons.

Also, I think it's a really good idea to watch some REAL LIFE lesbians. Go to YouTube and look up/watch:

Hannah Hart's coming out series -- then, watch her My Drunk Kitchens.
Ingrid Nilsen's coming out video -- and her stuff. She's a beauty and lifestyle vlogger.
Rose Ellen Dix & TheRoxcetera (spelling?).
NowThisIsLiving
Weegan
Stevie and Ally Hills

I could seriously go on forever with YouTubers. They're hilarious, totally relatable, and always make me feel better -- despite being a possible lesbian watching people who happen to identify the same. They're awesome just because they're awesome.

And I said that I hated saying gay and lesbian about myself in the beginning. Now I say it all the time, and so do my friends. IT GETS BETTER!!


Also, have you seen Ruby Rose?? I don't know. But if Ruby Rose is a lesbian, and me thinking she's insanely hot is me being a lesbian, then I am so happy to be a lesbian. If she doesn't make you want to be a lesbian, I don't know what will (if you don't find her attractive, that's totally fine and slightly rude of me to narrow your attraction field so much. I just really like talking about her) .

 

Oh my...lots of people want "normal", but the problem with "normal" is that it's completely subjective.