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Common thread for those realizing later in life

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by ariverinegypt, Feb 3, 2016.

  1. ariverinegypt

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    Why is it that some people discover their sexuality later in life? Is there a common thread between us?

    I would guess the common thing is either coming from a repressive background or never having the time to think about who you were. What are your experiences like? Could you please mention the age that it first occurred to you that you weren't straight.

    I've only realized a few months ago when I was majorly depression. I've never gave myself the option to be anything but straight before then and it was the most panic inducing feeling ever. I still feel like two different people.
     
  2. afgirl

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    I'm very new to this, but anxious to learn more about myself so that' s why I'm here. Well, I have only dated men all my life, never had any real LGBT friends (that I knew of, I know this sounds weird, but it's true), and have never had any romantic feelings for another female. The place I work at now has a large number of LGBT employees, so I had gotten to know some at work and ended up in the same gatherings. One in particular I just thought was really nice. I liked her. I don't even think I knew how I liked her. I even told her to call me when they did something because I'd be happy to get out of the house once in awhile. Before I knew it, I had a crush on her. Still no big deal because I would never be bold enough to act on it. Well, she called me up to go out for drinks (as friends...she even told me to bring whoever I wanted). Anyway, in the course of the evening, she kisses me. Toe curling OMG this is really happening kiss. I spent the rest of the weekend in a WTF stupor. Anyway, we are now in a solid relationship and I'm really hopeful about it.

    I still struggle with the whole thing, although I'm better than I was. I mean, for months I went with the I'm straight but just happen to like this girl theory. I'm not so sure now, but the honest truth is that the answer would really only solidly be answered if we broke up and then I would see what my next move was. Back to men or another woman???? I really can't answer that right now.

    I mean, even my girlfriend questions me about ever having feelings for women in the past. I admit I'm a little old to be going through all this. I just think I have not been exposed to this, and maybe it fits me better than I would have thought or maybe even wanted. I don't know, but it's a theory.
     
  3. NycLAMi

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    im 31, i think i have always known i was a lesbian, but i was in denial so hard that it wasn't until 2 years ago when i slept with the first woman, likely even, first person i ever loved that i finally had to accept that i am homosexual. However, even then i dated a guy for a year and almost got engaged! But i could not go through with it. I loved her too much, she was all I could and would think about every day, every minute, she and I are no longer friends, despite living less than a mile from each other. I confessed my love for her and she didn't feel the same way. I guess my only regret for not coming out or accepting myself sooner is a lot of missed opportunities and having to out myself to a lot more people now than before. Ugh, plus my family are Jehovah's Witnesses, so this will be a fun year!

    Oh and by always knew, I think I've known since I was a kid. I have never really been attracted to men, only because that's what I was "supposed" to like. Other than that I know I have always been interested in girls. I want to spend my life with a woman, ugh I'm so les lol!
     
    #3 NycLAMi, Feb 3, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2016
  4. Meetyou123

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    I am 40 now but I knew when I was around 20 that I had feelings towards men. I always fantasized about them but I only allowed myself to act upon them once when I was in my late 20's. I just kept myself busy and not allowed myself to get out and meet other gay men. 2 years ago I hit a point in my life where I was like "why am I lying to myself and denying myself true happiness, whether I meet somebody or not." I came out to my family, who more or less knew. They did not disown me or anything but are not supportive either.

    That aside there is a sense of peace in my life now and I am no longer afraid of who I am. However like many that will read this post I think for the most part all of us had "feelings" but were afraid of allowing ourselves to be true to ourselves. We have our established lives and are afraid all of it will disappear.

    Since I have come out I have discovered that it was life changing but the core me did not change. I still listen to the same music, have the same interests, and do the same things as I did before. The only the different is that I am not denying MYSELF who I really am.

    Not sure that this was your question or the point of your post but it is my perspective.
     
  5. ssxElise

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    I´m 36.
    I was probably around 25 when I started thinking I might be gay. But looking back, the feelings were there much earlier. When I was 32 I wasn´t questioning anymore. I was sure. Only recently I have become comfortable with myself and wanting to live a lesbian life.

    But I met my husband when I was 15 and we got married when I was 23. Looking back, my feelings for him have never been really deep and I´ve always felt there was something missing from the relationship. Kids came a year after we got married and now we have three.
    I think I somehow just went with the flow. I didn´t give myself the chance to think about my feelings. I just got lost.

    Trying not to regret my life. I´ve got three beautiful kids.
    I´m still with my husband and I don´t know when I´m ready to go through a divorce.
    But I do admit, it´s getting hard. Hard to hide, hard to keep the secret, hard not acting on my feelings.
     
  6. looking for me

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    i was a teenager when i first knew, so i buried it as deep as i could. and that's pretty deep. it came out almost 2 years ago and i didnt bury it, although i am careful who i come out to and i am out to all that truely matter plus some supportive friends. Now i just want to get on with my life and find someone to share it with on some level, just as soon as the judge signs on the dotted line.
     
  7. latenlife lez

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    I too have struggled with many of your questions. The only answer I can give you is the one I gave myself--

    I can "what if" this forever-it does not change how or when or why I realized that I was gay. I am gay. I am not alone in the period of discovery (I am 41- been thinking about it for last 10 years maybe before then?) and this gives me comfort.

    Why- cause there is someone else to ask questions to- and well don'e we all want to know we are not alone in this process of identity. If you have done any counseling- what have they recommended- find a support group- or another gay person you trust and share your experience

    You found EC- and you are sharing-- welcome and you are not the only one who asks- why now in this point in my life
     
  8. brainwashed

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    The common thread is shame.

    Yes on repressive upbringing. Mainly society and "it was the times" and "it was the thing to do" (bully someone for their sexuality. You also say "haveing the time to think about who you were" My response. This means you now about homosexuality growing up. I did not know a damn thing.

    Experiences were absolute total hell. I was beat up numerous times. I was sent away to a school to "put me on a more correct life path". My age when I started to figure things out was early 50s.

    In invite you to check out blogs and letters under ECs "resource" tab. There is a story about a man who feels like there is a parallel self. I to had a parallel me.

    Empty Closets - Resources
     
    #8 brainwashed, Feb 4, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2016
  9. looking for me

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    just to add to my last, the reason i "discovered late" was that i buried my attractions deep out of necessity, it would have been deadly for me to come out back then. but like most things buried in the mind, they had a way to perculiate up to the surface and here i am at, almost, 49 starting to be a real me.
     
  10. NycLAMi

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    one cool thing about having FINALLY admitted to myself and accepted that I am les, is I feel like I'm experiencing the world all over again. It's really quite exhilarating
     
  11. Rydia

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    For me it wasn't a matter of discovering late, but accepting late. I started considering I might be gay in my teens, but I think I knew before that. Unlike a lot of late in life lesbians, I never dated men, I just didn't date and came up with various ways to justify this to myself and others that didn't involve not being attracted to men.

    Part of it was fear of how I would be treated by my friends, family and society in general. Part of it was just plain lack of information. There were no out gay kids in my school. No adult in my life ever talked about what it meant to be gay or had any serious discussion about my sexuality with me, even when I moved in with my first "room mate."

    I still have some of those fears, but gradually, over time, I became comfortable with the idea and that gave me the confidence to deal with the reactions of others that I was never able to have when I was still trying to push that aspect of myself into a dark corner and ignore it.
     
  12. nerdbrain

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    I might add to this, a degree of forced ignorance.

    What I mean is, some people grew up in families or cultures where nobody even spoke about homosexuality -- it simply didn't exist. So there was no context for their feelings, they had no idea what they meant.

    Or, similarly, homosexuality may have been mentioned briefly as a news item or something -- as remote as third-world starvation. Not a real thing that could possibly ever apply to me.
     
  13. confused04

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    Even in this forum, I don't feel like I "fit in," and probably because I still have no answers.

    I am 35 (as of today, gross!), a virgin, and started questioning my sexuality when I was 21.
    The only problem was that this period of questioning (over a girl who kissed me my senior year, but I denied any feelings beyond friendship) also occured at the same time I was experiencing a massive depressive episode (my first), my mom was absolutely horrific to me that summer and kicked me out of the house. I literally told this girl I was confused, but just couldn't deal with all of that then.

    That is when I lost her as a friend, and now she's married to a dude.

    Anyway, I came out of that depression, moved out, and a year later, moved 8.5 hours away from my family. I can not say if I would have pursued anything with this girl if all that hadn't happened. I love most of my life in fear, so it's hard to tell. Then, on thanksgiving, one month after I moved out, my mom said my parents were getting a divorce (totally out of the blue), and she was gay.

    So, 12 years later and I still have no clue. I really grieved the loss of that friendship much harder than any other lost friendship, and for much longer. It still can make me sad sometimes. I haven't even tried to date anyone in 12 years. I now feel so far behind and fearful and confused that I have given up hope that I will ever figure it out. It is also compounded by my mom being gay because I have actively spent my adulthood trying not to be like her. What if I share this HUGE thing with my mother?! I'm not sure I can deal with that, even though our relationship is worlds better than it used to.
     
  14. Billy the kid

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    I have known since I was a teen too. I buried it and I did not accept myself. When I finally came out , I came out to a younger guy that I ended up madly in love with and still am. The problem is that he doesn't have the same love for me and it hurts like hell! I am not attracted to anyone else at all. I have slipped into a deeper depression than I ever have. I fell like climbing back into the closet forever and just fade out of what's left of this miserable life.
     
  15. confused04

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    Do families really talk about sexuality and the broad spectrum it is to their kids? The most my mom ever said to me was after a year or so of dating my boyfriend (I was a senior in HS), she goes "I am assuming you know about sex. Let me know if you need to get birth control." The end.
     
  16. tscott

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    I realized it in my 20's, but never acted on those feelings. I was outed by a friend who thought they were helping me by telling my mother, while I was in Toronto with friends . My father had recently died and I was living in the family house. I was also an only child. When I can home I was met at the door and was offered an ultimatum go straight or take a cheque for $50,000 and disappear. It's important to remember that homosexuality was thought of as a choice. Needless to say my closet was a panic room, condemned before I committed "crime." I believe my mother acted out of some misguided sense of "tough love," as she had friends that were gay.

    My household was not what I'd call repressive, but expectations were high and a great concern was held for family name/honor. I think dating someone from a different race might have been met with a similar reaction or deciding my life's work to be a used car salesman.

    I was so afraid of who I was and what it do to my family that it wasn't until many years after my mother's death and a 25 year marriage that I had to be who I really was or go mad.
     
  17. Rachyl

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    I think that in my case there were many factors that contributed to me NOT knowing who I was, not to mention any type of sexual orientation. I have always been very femme, but I had no idea that I was anything but "normal" I just believed that being bullied and all the name calling was what all people went through. It wasn't until the year that I turned forty that caused what little amount of testosterone I had to drop to even smaller amounts that I was able to become more of who I am now. I was threatened to straighten up per say, or lose everything. But even with reparative therapy, it never worked, and I came out to myself, all thanks to google and a transgender online support group. Then in the process of transitioning a gender therapist helped me put my past back together. It was very obvious that I have been a girl (woman now) all my life. But without access to information, I had no idea. Although from what I've been told recently it was pretty obvious that I was queer from a very young age. But again, was thought that I'd grow out of it, and was never told that I didn't fit the "norm". I'm 45 now, and have been on estrogen for over two years. lol. I would have never thought to be one of those who say "it does get better" but it has. Wonderfully so. Now I just need to wait until my sexual orientation works itself out. :slight_smile:
     
  18. WanderingMind

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    In hindsight, all the signs were there from my first crush in sixth grade...on a girl. Somehow, though, I chalked up our closet kisses to practicing to be ready to kiss boys, and I went on to crush on boys (and girls, not that I called *that* crushing - the conservative values I was raised with meant I didn't even know bisexuality was a thing), and then fall in love an marry a man. I still love him deeply, but within the last year have *woken up* bisexual. I'm 43.
     
  19. Icecold3710

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    Hi Nyclami,

    I would say, we're in the same boat.Sad part is, the last time i checked i'm still engaged and a devoted catholic. Until now i don't know how to be open about it. The only good thing is I told my best friend a month ago about it and she understood. Im sorry i couldn't be much more of a help to u. Good luck to us both :kiss:
     
  20. YeahpIdk

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    I think a big common thread could be heteronormativity. That's one of the only reasons I think I was desensitized to my feelings, and maybe a little shame.

    I was 14 or 15 when I "felt" not completely straight. I had experimented with a best friend, enjoyed it, but chalked it up to nothing -- and felt kind of bad about it all. It ruined our friendship, on my end.

    At 25, I fell super hard for a girl, out of no where. It knocked me on my ass. Then I went back and thought about everything in my life that could have pointed to signs of liking women. I didn't go crazy and do this just because of liking her, but because--having had long term relationships with men my entire life thus far--the feelings I had for her were more intense than anything I'd ever experienced. Everything felt right and natural, and equal.

    Two years later, I'm finally comfortable (for the most part) with my feelings.