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I feel so guilty

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by circusnails, Feb 4, 2016.

  1. circusnails

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    After 5 years, I'm doing it again, I'm leaving a man and telling him I'm only interested in women. This appears to be a recurring theme. But honestly, I think I just feel the need to be in a relationship, and finding a hetero relationship is easier.

    I'm trying to figure out how to leave. And not because he is a bad person. I'm financially dependent on him, which makes all of this worse. He doesn't lord it over me at all, but I feel so indebted to him. The last time this happened I had my family to fall back on and a graduate school waiting for me. But now I'm across the country from them with very little money and no job prospects where my family is. I feel cold and calculating for doing it, but I just can't figure out the logistics to leave.

    It's his birthday today and I feel so selfish. I feel selfish for not admitting this sooner. I feel selfish for finally being honest with myself but hiding it because it had to happen now. He's a really good person and he tries so hard. But our relationship has never been smooth and now I really know why.

    I know this is for the best. I care about him so much, that's why this hurts to no end. Because I'm hiding it, all I want to do is scream it out. It's all I think about. It's all I dream about. It's so much harder this time but I have to. I can't lie to myself or anyone else anymore.
     
  2. Countrygirl22

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    Oh wow....I relate to this way too much. Am going through pretty much the exact same thing (minus the financial depending factor). I am just coming to the realization that I am bisexual or indeed a lesbian and am in a hetero relation with a good man....But you cannot simply feel guilty for how you feel. You don't have control of it. And as you said yourself, you can't lie to yourself or anyone anymore. (That is something I just am realizing). I don't know if it helps but I came across something today that made me feel better about my own decision to finally go with my heart since I only dream about women....

    It is this quote: You choose everything in your adult life, either because you want it or because you think you have to. If you are motivated by guilt, your life will reflect that. If you are motivated by joy, your life will reflect that, instead. The people around you will benefit from your joyful presence more than by you feeling unfulfilled but obligated to be there. Choose joy. - Doc Zantamata

    Neither you or your boyfriend will benefit from this current relation if you stay out of fears or guilts....
    Good luck.
     
    #2 Countrygirl22, Feb 4, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2016
  3. MayButterfly

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    Countrygirl, what an awesome quote!!!! Thank you. I too am struggling with the guilt of wanting to leave. Lately I have been finding a lot of quotes about change and even my Horoscope has said don't fear the after effects of the change, but embrace that positive change will set you free. I am slowly forgiving myself for hurting my husband and trying to allow myself to be happy with this unpopular choice I will and must make. It is a process, and you are not alone either of you. Life is too short to be miserable. I hope you find the strength one day.
     
  4. circusnails

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    Girls, I am so glad I posted here. It would be so much easier if I wasn't with a really good person. I am a caretaker by nature, and because I have such a strong connection with him, it has made it so difficult for me to come to this realization. Seeing him hurt because of things I cannot control is going to be really difficult. I don't know when or how I'm going to tell him, but it'll be a little easier knowing that I'm not the only one.