watching a historical drama on netflix a gay scene she bolts out of bed throws on her clothes grabs her keys -i have to leave it’s everywhere i can’t escape it it’s the reality -please please just come back to bed -no i have to go i have to go now i hear the car door slam accelerate down the street 2:30 am she hastily gets into bed no words from her from me heavy sighs no sleep 6am alarm water running in the bathroom deep heavy sobs flowing into the bathtub pillows pulled tight over my head arms wrapped tight around my chest knees drawn up to my stomach uncontrollable shaking the bathtub drain contact case makeup case zipper the same noises every morning the bathroom door her closet door one shoe two shoes feet slam the floor kick the edge of the mattress no words i hear the car door slam accelerate down the street
Such eloquent prose. Hang in there - this too shall pass. Check out straight spouse dot org for some perspective from her side. I shared this site with my wife and it helped.
Thanks Johnny. She found the straightspouse site on her own rather quickly. It's been almost 5 months since I told her. I'm losing hope for myself. I'm terrified that she will end up in a psych ward or worse, hurt herself. She has a therapy appointment first thing this afternoon. We're going on a family trip for 5 days with the kids tomorrow. I'm so anxious I just want to puke. There's never not a knot in my stomach. I allow her to express herself and vent as much as she wants. I just take deep breaths and don't say anything from my point of view. I feel like I have no right to feel anything because THIS IS MY FUCKING FAULT and she keeps me reminding me that she did nothing wrong, she doesn't deserve this. And she's right. When she was gone last night, I came within a millimetre of leaving myself. Just getting in my car and driving until I could drive no more. If the kids (they're 23 and 13) weren't so looking forward to this trip, I would have. I probably should have. Rip the goddamned bandaid off. AAAAAARGGGGHHHHH
TAXODIUM, The situation where the straight spouse is reluctant to seek help through therapy or friends and chooses to vent in our direction is very painful and stressful for us as the gay man. I'm sorry that it has gone on for 5 months. As Johnny said, this too shall pass, though it might not seem that way to you today. You seem overly eager to blame yourself for this situation. I'm not so sure that it's your fault. I would contend that you were reacting to societal pressures to be "normal" having grown up in a very homophobic environment and that your response to these pressures was reasonable given the inputs and programming you received in your life. Your environment growing up is to blame, not you. After the family trip, does it make sense for you and your wife to start sleeping in separate bedrooms? This might provide some relief. Is moving out viable for you, either temporarily or as a first step towards your separation? If the latter, you may want to vet this first with your divorce lawyer as it may be beneficial to outline the separation agreement before moving out. It seems to me you have been spinning your wheels, so you may want to try taking a different approach to things.
Taxodium She's correct: she did nothing wrong....but neither did you. I'm so sorry all of you are going through this but it will get better. My wife would get up and leave the room when something"gay" came across on TV. She doesn't do that any more and we've actually learned to make a joke here and there about my sexuality. Just don't give up on finding what works for you and your family.
Great that she is going (went?) to therapy. That is a very important first step. Remember that you handed her two shocks -- the cheating and the fact that you are Gay. Hopefully, this therapist is good and she is receptive to her/his services. If you can gently push her, she may need more than one session a week in the beginning. Absolutely at least twice a week. I am guessing you can't tell if the meds are helping? Is she in regular communication with her psychiatrist? If the meds were described by anyone other than a pyschiatrist, she needs to see one ASAP. Getting these kinds of meds right can be tricky. Please let her therapist know that you are worried about her hurting herself. After the trip, it is time that you both sat down with a therapist and come up with a new plan. This isn't working for you -- and it isn't really working for her. Even if she doesn't want to go, I think you have to force the issue. I am not sure you had an end game envisioned, but it is time to start figuring it out.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Remember, this is not your fault, nor hers. All I can say is to hang in there.
Glad she's getting help. Your not at fault, she sounds like she's in a serious depression, but people get through that everyday. Talking to a therapist and not holding it all in anymore should really help.
I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I just wanted to send some hugs your way. (*hug*)(&&&)
Taxodium, being gay isn't something you can take blame for as though you chose it. The guilt and shame are a normal part of the process, but you must get to the place where you recognize that being true to yourself and refusing to live a lie any longer is the healthy path. If you had remained closeted your wife might not be distressed but you would be. She is simply processing externally what you took years to process internally, in quiet shame and heartache. Please check back in with us when you're back from your trip and tell us how things are going. How was her first therapy visit and did it give the two of you some relief or resolution before or during the trip? My heart goes out to you, friend.
