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I heard of this stereotype about gay ppl who come out later in life...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by SubZero, Feb 6, 2016.

  1. SubZero

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    Don't know if it's true, but I heard of this stereotype that gay people who come out later on in their lives (let's say, 25+ years old) will become more interested in people who's in their late teens to early 20s because they suppressed their natural feelings towards the same-sex and never had a chance to experiment while they were young. The stereotype basically suggests that older gay men/women would find younger men/women more attractive than people their own age since they came out late and are inexperienced.

    I'm not sure how accurate the stereotype is, but I worry that this will happen to me as I keep aging (finding younger guys more attractive than men my own age and wishing to pursue a relationship with them sexually/romantically instead).

    It's only been about 6 months since I came out to myself and to 2 people. It sucks because I feel like I've missed out while growing up. I haven't had a relationship before or had sex with a guy. I'm 22 and I feel like time is running out because I don't want that to happen to me. Anybody here experience this?
     
  2. Lipstick Leuger

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    It's complete and utter BS. Seriously. You date people who you are attracted to, but I will say even those of us who officially came out later have a limit on what age we will date. A 40 year old will not suddenly want to date an 18 year old, unless they are a Cougar or something. Straight people are Cougars, so it can happen, but it has nothing to do with what age you come out at. My personal limit was 5 years younger or less. I had younger ones hit on me, but I was not attracted. It was way to weird for young 20s to hit on me.

    I dated a girl when I formally and completely came out(early 30s) who decided to not date me exclusively, because me being 'newly out' meant that I would want to sleep with all these other women now, because hey, didn't EVERYONE who comes out want to do that at first? Well, I wanted an exclusive relationship, I wanted something worth going the distance for. I met my now wife shortly after this, and ya know what? I did not even sleep with her until we were exclusive for a bit.

    So, that is all I have to say for stereotypes like that. They are just stupid.
     
  3. Pathetic Coward

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    I'm sure that I'm not the person to say this (dealing with more baggage than the doorman at a five star hotel) but here it goes. Time is always running out. You've got almost a decade to 30.

    "Missed out" !?!? You've only been able to walk into a bar and buy a drink for a year -- and now you're over the hill? You're in the best time I've seen in my life time for sexually liberty and you've "Missed out"??

    If there was anything I could tell my 22 year old self (or even my 32 year old self) it would be to stop worrying, start living.

    Short version: Do more, worry less. The years are going to pass with or without your worries. Life's what happens when you're off making other plans.

    Worry about being an old guy drooling over twinks when you're an old guy drooling over twinks.


    PC
     
  4. SubZero

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    ^ Ha! Your reply made me laugh. :lol: I appreciate your advice. I do tend to worry about what's going to happen in the future but I got to start living in the present.

    And Lipstick Leuger, I completely agree that this stereotype is BS. It doesn't seem like it'd be true for most people who are newly coming out. Other sites and older threads on here have mentioned this stereotype so that's why I was inquiring about it.
     
  5. Chip

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    It's not BS, and unfortunately, a lot of maladjusted people in their 30s, 40s, 50s or older do go after guys in their teens or early 20s.

    But the precise answer isn't quite as simple as "BS or not BS"

    What often happens when people first come out later in life is they are essentially feeling the loss of having not come out in their teen years, and not being able to live the life a typical teenager would live. So at an unconscious level, this often manifests as trying to live out a second adolescence vicariously through someone else... hence the attraction to younger guys.

    The good news here is, it's one of those things that, once it's brought to conscious mind, is usually pretty easy to let go of. Additionally, for most people, it's a pretty short transient phase. Some people get stuck in that place, but those are generally the ones who aren't really interested in understanding themselves.

    The very fact you're thinking about it and concerned about it is a near-guarantee that it won't be a long-term issue for you. What you might do is spend some time really exploring the fear around coming out and see what you can do to move forward with that process. And for the record... 22 isn't really "later in life"... there are an awful lot of people who don't start coming out until their early-mid 20s. While it may seem like lots of people are coming out at 12 or 13, and that's certainly true... there are a similar number that don't come out until around your age, so you're not at all alone or even really unusual.

    It sounds like you're making good progress in the coming out process. The main thing is to just keep at it, explore what's standing in the way, and work through that. ANd that's one of the ways that EC is such a great resource, so feel free to discuss what's going on and perhaps you can get some insights for yourself that will be helpful!
     
  6. YeahpIdk

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    As someone who came out at 25, and then more fully in the late 26s, I can say that I have not found people beyond a few years younger than me attractive. The youngest I've found attractive/been into (and it's totally irrelevant to their age) is by 4 years - which squeaks me out a bit once I find out. Still, that's in the normal range to find attractive. I would say this stereotype is yet again another stereotype. I can't speak to the entire later in life LGBTQ populace, but I don't find this true for me, a late in lifer.
     
  7. Lindsey23

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    It isn't true for me, my recent crushes have been older than me. Not that I'm out or that I've pursued anyone but I couldn't imagine being interested in someone that much younger than me. I doubt we'd have much in common. You're only 22 so it makes sense if you're still attracted to teenagers because it wasn't that long ago that you were one. As you get older though teens will start to look like babies and you won't be interested. At your age I never thought I could be attracted to someone in their 40's but now I couldn't imagine being attracted to someone in their 20's. Also, you're only 22. You have your whole life ahead of you. Let's say you come out in the next few years and start dating...you'll still be young and way ahead of many of us.
     
  8. ssxElise

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    This is not the case for me.
    I´m 36. I find myself attracted to women close to my age or even slightly older.
    Women that look confident, carry themselves well, speak good language and are open in conversations are really sexy to me. Of course all this can be found in younger women but I keep being drawn towards the older ones.

    You are not missing the train at age 22. And when you are ready to date, you go for the person you like.
     
  9. GayBoyBG

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    It's true if the people you're talking to are on hook-up apps or sites. When it comes to just sex, most older men prefer mostly young men. As young as possible. There's absolutely no way denying that, as it surrounds us every day. When it comes to serious men wanting for something more than just sex, then they'd go for someone their age.
    I guess there are two major groups of gay men, and the stereotype you're talking about applies for just one of them ~
     
  10. Distant Echo

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    It's certainly not true for me. I have no interest at all in much younger...around my age or a few (not too many) years older...
     
  11. BobObob

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    The hypothesis about people subconsciously living out a second adolescence vicariously through someone else seems to make sense, but like everything else, I would like to see some evidence.
     
  12. crazydog15

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    While I agree that some gay men (myself included) can feel like they missed out on their teenage years because they came out at 30, 40, 50, or older, that doesn't necessarily mean that people like me will automatically want to date 18-year-olds to try to regain our "lost" youth. Granted, I bitch and moan about "missing out" on what could have been my openly gay teens and twenties, but at the very same time, college students seem really immature, too. I'm not planning on chatting one up.
     
  13. BMC77

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    Like others say, I don't think wanting younger guys is an automatic thing. But it does happen. On another forum, which is not LGBT specific, but is heavily populated by gay men (so much that I assume any guy there is gay!), there has been some talk about this. One guy--settled in a long term relationship--mentioned knowing gay men struggling to turn back the hands of time with hair dye and skin treatments and/or whatever. Just to keep being able to get 20 year olds.

    One thing that is interesting for me is that there is more than just coming out to myself at age 42. That has brought some sorrow over the lost years, etc, etc, etc. But another aspect is that my life took a huge, negative turn when I was in college. My college career was ended early, due to realities caused by my nuclear family exploding. So there is a huge pile of regrets there--everything from "if I had a degree, maybe I'd wouldn't be so poor now!" to thoughts of things I missed out on. For example, I hear the statistics that your good friends are made when you are young...and so I wonder if it means it's hopeless to even try and make friends now.

    And, unlike crazydog15, I won't say college guys are immature. Yes, a lot of them are, but I've met some guys over the years who are amazing. Of course, I have no intention of pursuing such a guy. Indeed, the idea makes me cringe.

    I can't and won't speak for others here. But there is has been a lot of virtual ink spilled about how "dirty" younger guys feel after a "relationship" with an older guy. At the same time, however, I have to think that if I had a "relationship" with a college guy, I'd probably emerge feeling a lot of negative feelings. I can't imagine I'm alone in this.
     
  14. Foz

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    That analysis could also be offered to straight people though, people who've gone many years without a relationship feeling regret that they did not seize the moment in their youth. 'To Catch a Predator' is perhaps the best example of this, while it's probable it is higher in gay guys, it is not necessarily an affliction to only one group.
     
  15. Lipstick Leuger

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    Usually Chip and I agree on things pretty closely, but in this case, we will agree to disagree. I believe it's the individual, not the orientation, that causes this phenomena.

    When you get to Hollywood or with the Super rich, it's not unusual for the men especially, to have much younger girlfriends or wives. Maybe it's more of a guy thing, that instinctive urge in their DNA that gives males the need to procreate/be with the youngest and healthiest of the species for the best offspring. I watched a very interesting Sociological Special on TLC once about it. Makes total sense from a genetic/survival of the species viewpoint.
     
  16. latenlife lez

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    I was not looking for someone 20 years younger than me- it just happened. In fact I wasn't looking at all- it just happened

    22 is young-- of course when people said this to me- I hated it-- because what I had lived felt more than just years. take your time and go from there- just don't break any laws
     
  17. Ryuji35

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    I came out when I was 18. Not sure if that's "old" by any standards, but even if I am out, I still suppressed my sexual urges until I was 19. And that exploration was very very limited. I am now 26 and I am soo very attracted to people who are 30 and above.

    So, this is not true for me personally. Not sure if I only have daddy issues, though
     
  18. OnTheHighway

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    Having been through this phenomenon, I would agree with how Chip described it. The adolescent phase lasted a few years in my case and while I did meet guys of varying ages (albeit no one older than me), I tended to gravitate to guys in their 20's early on in my coming out (or guys that appeared that age).

    What I found really interesting about it, and was very surprised at, was how younger guys were equally interested in older guys i.e. "father figures". So it appears the phenomenon seemed to go both ways.

    Also as Chip suggested, if it is properly reflected upon, I do believe an individual is able to work through it and move on.
     
    #18 OnTheHighway, Feb 9, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2016
  19. CubbieBlue

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    I'm 33 and married and just came out to myself and my wife about 1.5 years ago. Did I always suspect I might be bisexial? Of course. But like many, I didn't know until I came out. At 31 years old. And I don't like younger men. I like men around my age and older. Maybe just a 3 years younger, on the occasion I would find a younger guy attractive. And being married and just finding out I'm bi, I definitely feel like I missed out when I was younger. But I'm not attracted to young men because of it. So I don't think you have much to worry about
     
  20. Rydia

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    Definitely not true for me. I don't even like hanging out with people who are a lot younger than me for the most part, let alone want to date one. Of course, I didn't particularly like young people that much when I was one.