Most people, whether romantically inclined or not, have all at least pictured what it would be like to experience a fairy tale romance, a high school summer fling, a summer affair, or some other romantic expedition. These treks usually start in middle school (for some earlier but generally, middle school) and progress from there. They begin with tentative "dates" and move to hand holding, or to games of spin the bottle at a party. Stolen kisses here; awkward tries at romantic gestures there. There are spilled drinks, and tongue in all the wrong places. Then in high school it changes a bit. The dates become movies, become late night talks. There is lasting relationships, and quick hook ups. There is Valentine's day and dances. There is lunches and walking each other to class. There is the stuff we see on movies. There are social media posts about each other with heart emojis and winky faces. Then there are beach trips, and sunset walks. There's late night drives and getting caught and talking about nothing and everything all at the same time. And it is gorgeous! All of these things we see in the movies or shows or books or just plain, old, real life. All of these gestures and events add up to a giant cliche that is supposed to be a right of passage for the modern adolescent. But I didn't get these. Why, you ask? If this is so common in every teen in modern days then why didn't you have it? Did you dream of it? There is an answer to these questions. This happens for most adolescents, but there is a qualification that needs to be made. I am gay and these things don't happen to me. To us. For some maybe? For most these are distant dreams and wishes that stick to books and fairy tales. Did I dream of it? You bet your ass I did! Every day and night I lay in bed and it haunts me. Because now I have no experience; nothing on my romantic resume, but a blank piece of paper that says "dreamer". I am entering a world of college in the matter of weeks. I will no longer be in the innocent land of adolescence. I will be in the world of sex, drugs, alcohol, adulthood. Where virginity is a word used to describe kids, and experienced just means reality. This isn't just about sex it's about small kisses. A contact of lips so common to most, yet has never been experienced by I. What am I to do? I never got my cliches. I never got my innocent hand holding. I never got to get a first kiss. I never got to slow dance in a smelly gym. I never got to walk anyone to class. I never got to go on a first movie date. I never got to kiss anyone behind the bleachers. I never got to live through these gateways that are supposed to prime you for a serious relationship. What am I to do? I don't know. All I do know is that I am walking into a world where everyone is a level ahead of me. And I am not naive there will be others like me, but will they say anything? Will we find each other? Will it matter? I don't know. All I know is that I didn't get my cliches. And they were all I honestly wanted.
I was in two long term relationships around your age, and had numerous hook ups here and there. Never once did I get any of the cliches you speak of. Late nights talking. Yeah. On the phone maybe. Walks on a beach? Nope. Never. These things are in movies and books because they're often not experienced in real life, but are dreadfully romantic. Therefore romanticized. In fact, the most romantic experience or relationship I've had so far was with a crush of mine. In college. There was a day of blissful and innocent hand holding. Awkwardly long gazes and eye contact that made my heart jump. She's the person who made me realize I liked women. And guess what? She was a virgin. And she certainly wasn't the only one. You're super young. Everything is just starting for you. You have plenty of time for REAL romance. I really don't think high schoolers experience any of the stuff you mentioned - even in relationships.
Hi NicoC123, Regardless of when we come out, whether it be 18, 25, 30, 40, or later, most gays in this forum relate to the experience of a delayed adolescence that is markedly different from a straight adolescence. We missed out on exploring our sexuality during our adolescence years and must discover our true sexuality on a different timeline. While it is natural to treat this as a loss and lament over it, time continues to pass and we must make the most of every day. Given that you are 18, you are still fairly young and have the time to find love and romance in college. Perhaps you want to join your college's LGBT group and share your experience. You may be surprised how many other gay guys relate to your experience. You may even find someone who wants to stay up all night being with you. Carpe diem!
@NicoC123 I am sorry to hear that you didn't have all those cliches experiences. I would try to see that these are just standards or labels that are set by society in certain culture to define success in different stages in life. Try not to allow these things to define who we are. That these things do not truly define true success or happiness in life. Try to sense that underneath all these labels and definitions of success that society constantly bombard or impose on us to achieve, that there is something within you that is 'perfect' or 'complete', that does not require these labels to be happy. That you are you. And you are just perfect the way you are. If we can't be ourselves, we can't be anyone. Try to sense and realize this. I would also try to so-called 'befriend' or 'interview' some honest working people/relative who have gone through college and are now in the working field for quite some time to get a sense of what reality truly is. Especially those whom we might deemed or appear to be successful and ask them questions, if it is possible. Ask them if they are truly happy. That with all those cliche experiences, did they feel that they have achieve any happiness or success at all in the end? I would also try to observe and see the big picture of these cliches. A lot of times, cliche comedy or romantic movies tend to end up with an acceptable or happy endings for the sake of the expectations of the audience. But doesn't show us what happens beyond that after some time. Try to see that movies are made for the sake of making movies and a lot essence of real life cannot truly be captured or displayed to us. Some may not even reveal much of reality because sometimes the truth is not sellable to the audience. Try to see what life truly is. What life is all about. Realizing the true nature of life so to speak. And these can only be realized as we grow and mature through our own moments of observation, contemplation and experiences. Once we began to realize this, we began to learn what truly matters in life. That is when we become more calm, secure, and stable mentally, emotionally and spiritually. That is when we are able to began to pursue what truly matters in life. That is when, I believe, love and happiness reveals itself to us, that is not dependent on cliches or what society expects us to have or attain. I hope this helps. Ben
This wasn't about the point of wanting movie like scenes. They were only the examples I used because they flowed best and went with the theme to truly convey the feeling I was going for. My main point is that college is not a place of major innocence There are bigger expectations that I haven't even begun to understand. I'm not so deluded as to expect a movie ending, but on that same note, I do feel like most gay teens walk into relationships later in life unprepared. Some of us can't come out and have relationships, some of us can; some of us can come out but not have relationships some of us don't have to come out. The point is that there is this priming that many of us miss out on because of this. I'm not trying to whine about not having a movie moment. I'm angry about not getting the opportunity to dream of one.
@NicoC123 There may have been some misunderstanding from the way I conveyed the message. And I also apologize because it seem that I didn't address the main thing that is bothering you. I think I understand what you are referring to now is the emotional maturity to handle situations that you will be facing soon. Let me add that the part about most people trying to aim for movie endings is just a fraction of the whole message, which I did sense that it was partly bothering you. Its not meant to be undermining your intelligence or anything. But it doesn't address the real issue you are dealing with. For that I apologize. I feel that true emotional maturity comes from truly understanding what really matters in life. And to gain this, I think all of us learn it the hard way through life experiences and subsequently become life lessons that shape and refine our decision making, so that we would be able to handle the situation better and resulting in a better outcome. I might assume that being a gay man makes it even more challenging because not many of us want to really put ourselves out there, especially closeted ones, and hence may translate the lack of experiences even more so. If I can look back to my younger self who is facing the same problems as you now, I would tell him to not be afraid. But there is no need to purposely put yourself out there so much that it hurts you too much mentally and emotionally, which will make you lose hope in everything even more. I would tell my younger self to try to take one step at a time. Test the waters with someone that gives you a good vibe that he may be into the same thing as you. If he doesn't feel the same way, then he doesn't. If he does, don't rush into. Take your time to explore and discover these things with this guy. There's no need to invest too much the first time. Chat, have fun and flirt casually. Get to know yourself better and how to handle yourself. If you embarrassed yourself or if things didn't work out, it's okay. It's alright. You can always start over and explore and rediscover again. And all this is only meant to serve one purpose as you move on: To make you stronger and wiser and perhaps more compassionate in life, towards yourself and others. It will make you grow and improve as an individual. Make you understand life. What truly matters in life. What life is really all about. I think this is the message I would have told my younger self when he goes through the same situation. And I think this is also the message I wanted to improvise from the first post and re-share it with you. I hope this helps Ben
