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It's what I wanted, why am I so sad?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by MayButterfly, Feb 8, 2016.

  1. MayButterfly

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    Yesterday my husband and I had a fight and he told me how much he is hurting, that he can't believe any of this, that I broke our vows, and a bunch of other guilt inducing things. I felt I had turned a corner because I didn't allow him to get to me. I replied I didn't mean for this to happen but I need to be happy and can't love him like he needs to be loved anymore and that doesn't make either of us bad people. Then later in the evening he went back to pretending nothing had happened. Until today when he emailed me and basically said he would let me move on.

    I am sitting here in shock and relief and crying. Crying at the loss of my straight and familiar life. Crying that I am hurting him and breaking my vows. Wondering why I did this. Wondering why it hurts me so much for him to finally realize how unhappy I am and stop fighting me when it's what I wanted him to do. Feeling guilty that I am relieved the worst is almost over. Feeling guilty that I am being selfish.
     
  2. rachael1954

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    Crying is so necessary at times, it is like alcohol to flush out the wound, and only then it can heal.

    I am so sad and happy for you at the same time. How long from when you first realized and/or first told him until today?

    I'm sorry you are sad but glad that some of your feelings are ones of relief. That is a good sign for future happiness! Thank you for sharing.
     
  3. MayButterfly

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    It all happened rather quickly. I have been married 16 years and with him 19. For the last two years I have had a difficult patch and grew more and more unhappy with my life and myself. I realized I wasn't completely straight anymore in May, and he noticed a change in my behavior and started the conversation a few days before Christmas, and the weeks since have been very stressful and awkward as he cycled between denial, begging for another chance and anger.
     
  4. MayButterfly

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    I was worthless at work today. Now I am thinking what have I done? He told me he was done fighting yet I am filled with grief and guilt for making him say the words I wanted him to say. :slight_smile:tears:
     
  5. MayButterfly

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    Yesterday I told him I couldn't co-exist anymore and wanted to separate. Today I am telling our children I am leaving their father, and them, next weekend. I feel awful, and very selfish. I feel so heartbroken and undeserving of happiness right now.
     
    #5 MayButterfly, Feb 21, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2016
  6. Birdie145

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    Hi, I expect there's a lot of grief in there too. Even though you weren't happy there would be a element of safety in what you had with your husband, you've been together a long time.

    Like you I meant my vows, I would never have believed I would file for divorce. It was terrifying but liberating. I don't expect you feel brave but in time will see you are.
    Take care how you handle it with the kids, treat yourself kindly. Thinking of you.
     
  7. SiennaFire

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    (*hug*)

    From what you've written in this thread, you and your husband are both still grieving the end of your marriage and going through the stages of Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. It sounds like living together isn't allowing you to heal, so separating is the necessary thing to do.

    Most people who separate from their families use selfish to describe their experience. I hate that word when applied to this situation because it's overloaded with undeserved connotations that make us feel bad. No doubt you spent most of your life sacrificing while trying to live up to the expectations of others to live a straight life while secretly knowing that you were different, not really being able to put your finger on it. Now that you've discovered yourself and seek relief from this situation imposed by the expectations of others, you continue to feel the lingering effects of these expectations and feel that you should continue to live the lie, which is why you feel selfish and guilty. You don't need to feel selfish because you are no longer willing to live a lie to meet their expectations. You are doing something to allow you to live the life you were meant to live and to find happiness in the process. While it may not seem this way right now, you are also helping your family by allowing them to find authentic happiness as well. It will get better.
     
    #7 SiennaFire, Feb 21, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2016
  8. MayButterfly

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    Thank you for your kind and encouraging words Birdie145 and SiennaFire! They were much appreciated and needed. After my mother passing away, this is absolutely the worst time of my life! I was divorced before but he cheated and didn't care to stop and we didn't have children so it was easier to cope with. I ended up not talking to my children yesterday. Husband thought it better to wait until Wednesday so they wouldn't have to "deal with it" all week at school but they will have to deal with it no matter when I tell them! But I decided that due to being unable to leave early or miss work right now, that I would feel better if I waited in case they needed me. Now I am wondering if it truly is better to tell them right before I leave but that seems bad too. I only thought that to not interfere with my son's playoff game on Saturday. I don't know. Whenever I have expected a particular reaction from them they always did the opposite and maybe I am just projecting mom guilt into this. He is 9 and she is 14, and I know I am the only one who can decide what is best for them, and they must know something is wrong. My son keeps asking if I don't feel well because I am so quiet. :frowning2: Anyway not sure what my point is... Other than I hate this emotional place I am currently in.
     
  9. Orchidea123

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    You are very brave, hang in there - I really hope you'll overcome this period of time soon, hugs (*hug*)
     
  10. MayButterfly

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    Every time I get brave enough to make a decision something happens to make me falter. Husband said he knows "I can't wait to get out" which made me cry and then said maybe we should see a therapist for the best way to tell our kids. :/ so although I made up my mind to leave on Saturday and I hadn't yet decided when to tell them, now I wonder if I should stay longer and get professional suggestions or just continue on with my "plan."

    I won't do anything stupid but I really hate my life right now.
     
  11. Birdie145

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    The night before I left my husband switched into "nice", it threw me. I wept. But I stuck to my plan (different issues) because I knew no matter how terrified I felt nothing was going to change.

    Last year at this time I had a failed suicide attempt. I and others have been in this dark, scary, in nerving place. Hang in there, you will get through this time no matter how tough it is. Everyone here is rooting for you no matter if you take the leap now, in a week or a month.

    You can leave and still have family therapy. This situation hurts you spirit so be kind to MayButterfly. Kids are very intuitive and will sense something is the matter no matter how you try to paint on a fake smile. Hug
     
  12. Helion Solaris

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    I think the best thing would be to tell them everything. Kids like to be treated as adults. They will appreciate that later in life. I think separation would be the best thing, but take it a little slowly with the kids. Maybe wait another two weeks after telling them so they can get used to the idea. Bottom line is don't spring it on them, kids don't like those kind of sudden shocks. Tell them you will eventually leave but not be gone. Just not with their dad anymore. They will probably live with you in any case and visit their dad or he'll visit them. As for him, he said that he will let you go so that's that. Anything else is a kind of manipulation to make you feel bad or doubt. He probably doesn't realize that he's doing it. I hope everything works out and that you find happiness somehow and sometime soon :slight_smile:
     
  13. SnowshoeGeek

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    I just wanted to say that this experience can be devastating and I would expect to see a lot of very strong emotions flying around on all sides. Don't be hard on yourself for experiencing the range of being human. And... you can't be who you're not. Just one of the agonies of existence and trying to make promises of feelings to another human being. I believe goodwill can win out if one is careful but nothing can stop the broken hearts. That is simply one of the experiences of existence that everyone goes through. Even those who stay together. (*hug*)
     
  14. SiennaFire

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    Your husband's emotionally charged attempt at guilt means that he is coming from a place of hurt or fear. Perhaps the reality of your impending departure and what it means for his marriage is beginning to hit him. Clearly he's in the bargaining stage and is trying to get you to stay. This is an opening for a conversation. Based on your reaction the other day, I'm guessing that you may feel hurt or angry because I'm about to move out. Remind him of the thought process behind the decision if it was joint. Then listen.

    Depending on how the follow up conversation goes, you can decide whether you want to revisit your plan to move out on Saturday. Personally I would be inclined to move out, but your husband may have legitimate concerns behind the guilt. Whether you move out on Saturday is your call as long as you don't allow your husband to manipulate you into staying indefinitely. If you decide to be flexible based on your husband's feedback, pick a new move out date and stick to it. Try not to make a hasty decision either way.

    Here's the outline of the script that I used.
    1. If you children have overheard fighting or have sensed a problem in the house, acknowledge and apologize for it.
    2. Tell them you are going to get a divorce. Affirm that you will both still be their parents and love them very much. Confirm if they understand what divorce means. If not explain what it means.
    3. Explain the new living arrangements (mommy is moving out) and how you'll handle custody (they live with dad, mom, or joint custody). Affirm that you will both still be their parents and love them very much.
    4. Explain the reason that reason you are getting a divorce is because you are gay. Ask them if they understand what that means? You can google for age appropriate ways to explain this to your children. Putting this in terms of who people love makes this an accessible message.
    5. Affirm that no matter what happens you will still be your mom and love them.
    6. Optional - Ask them not to tell their friends until you've had a chance to talk to their parents.
    7. Do you have any questions?
    You may want to schedule a conference with the guidance counselor at school to make the school aware of this change. This will allow teachers to monitor for any impact on school performance or behavior.
     
    #14 SiennaFire, Feb 23, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2016