Feel worse not better after being honest

Yes, but its definitely a process and not a switch that just gets flipped. I know, we all wished it was much simpler and faster.

So first, congrats for opening up and congrats for having a seemingly supportive wife! That is huge! Seriously!

This is mostly what makes people feel like hiding away. This is the first time that you have felt you lost control over this side of your life. Its normal to have a very strong reaction to it. Its normal. Terrifying, but normal. So, breathe and try to talk yourself down. It will be okay.

Keep posting and talking your feelings out. Keep being honest with your wife and having honest communication between you guys. You are right, open relationships only work with honest, constant and clear communication.

 

Welcome, fellow Coloradoan.

It sounds like you spent the last few decades making the closet your home. And most people tend to make their homes as comfortable as possible, even if it isn't the best place for them. And now you're in a new, unfamiliar and scary place. It's very tempting to desire the "comforts of home".

But you've taken that step. That scary can't-turn-back-now step. But it's a step that takes you someplace better. So hopefully you can continue on that journey. Let us know if you think we can help.

Lex

 

Hi Hallertau,

Welcome to EC :welcome:

First, I want to commend you for having the courage to be honest with yourself and your wife about your sexuality. Telling your spouse that you are not straight is one of the most difficult conversations many of us in this forum have had.

Each of us have our own timeline for becoming comfortable enough to come out. We've all received messages and programming from society, parents, church, and friends that being gay or bisexual is wrong, so we need time to overcome these. You came out when you were ready.

As for coming out, many people feel liberated after coming out to their spouse, that a great burden has been lifted. This was certainly the case for me. While you are correct that you've lost control of your secret, your secret has also lost control over you. You have started down a path towards living a more authentic life where you don't need to feel ashamed because you are hiding your true self. While this may seem scary right now, you'll become more comfortable with yourself over time as you discover and express your true authentic self.

 

Many of us here have gone through what you are going through. We've ended our marriages because we came out as bisexual or gay. Try to relax and breath. Everything will be OK.

What about this is making you want to puke?

 

If you build something on a shaky foundation, it usually involves at least a little destruction before you can build it on more solid foundation. But most of that destruction is the stuff that needs to be destroyed - the stuff not spoken of finally spoken of, the misconceptions erased.

The word that jumps out at me here is "ashamed".

You were talking about opening the relationship. And that originally meant her going to meet up with someone else who was better equipped to handle some desires of hers. In short, she was going to go somewhere and have the sex that she really wanted to have. And you were cool with that.

Now, you're discussing making the relationship open in both directions. So you can (potentially) go somewhere and have the sex that YOU really want to have. And, from absolutely everything you've said, she is cool with that.

...so where's the difference? Where does the "shame" come in? (I have a few ideas, but I don't want to start throwing out advice before I know the whole story. )

Lex

 

Hi Hallertau,


I am an older gay man who was in a heterosexual marriage for 23 years and had 3 children in that marriage. Before we were engaged I admitted to strong same sex attraction without disastrous results. The marriage came apart because we grew apart not because of my same sex attraction. I committed to being monogamous and not screwing around on the outside. Over those years there were several opportunities for me to indulge in same sex encounters but just because the encounters were with men still meant cheating on my partner so I avoided the temptations.

As per your post she handled the revelation well. It's you who are freaking out because you feel you will or somehow have lost control. I'm not sure of what that means and maybe you don't either. When you can calmly examine your fears you may find that they are old fears that can be easily handled by the adult you. Let us know how you are.

Stash

 

You are ashamed and embarrassed that you are bisexual and that you shared your sexuality with your wife. You want to continue to be your old inauthentic self because you feel that you lack the confidence to own being a bisexual man.

Is this a good summary of why you want to puke?

 

You've had...what?...some huge section of 33 years practice of being a heterosexual man, and almost a decade's practice of being a heterosexual man to your wife.

You've had...what?...maybe 48 hours of practice of being a bisexual man to your wife.

It's going to seem weird. Awkward. You're opening up. You're revealing your quivering gelatinous underbelly to her. And the good news is - she didn't plunge a knife into it. She accepted you. Not the you that you pretended to be, but the actual YOU. That's exceptionally awesome.

And maybe there ARE some related issues that need to be dealt with. But see - YOU'RE DEALING WITH THEM. You're no longer sweeping them under the rug. You are actually confronting them, figuring out what's what, and what needs to be done. And no, this isn't a fun thing. But it's an important step to take, and one might argue it's a necessary one.

And being bisexual is a fact. A datum. A thing about you just like your height and birthdate. It's sure as hell nothing to be embarrassed about. And it seems your wife knows that.

Lex

 

If you want to save your relationship communication not second guessing is what you two need. If you want to know exactly what she's thinking ask, don't take for granted that you know enough about her to know what she is thinking for sure. If you want to make your relationship stronger tell her that you will do all you can to keep it from falling apart. Tell her you love her and you fear she may be withdrawing from the relationship; this is not what you want. If she loves you she will work with you to get through what has become a difficult period in your relationship. You can both come away from this stronger than before. If and when your relationship becomes stable again promise yourself to examine your feelings about who you are without worrying about how others view you.

 

Dude, seriously. Stop. Take a breath. Then take another. Then take another.

I don't know exactly what happened between the first post and the last, but I'm sensing more than a little self-sabotage, or self-reflection. She seemed cool with it before. You may have had some words about it in this last conversation, but NOTHING at all suggested that she was ready to jump ship. CTFD. You're in unfamiliar waters, and yeah, it can be scary as hell. But freaking out accomplishes nothing.

Stay calm. Give her time to process. And give yourself time to process. Don't think every second she's not talking directly to you is another sign of her getting ready to pack her things - it doesn't work that way.

If you're in the Denver area and want to talk direct, let me know.

Lex

 

Hallertau, give her some time to think about it, while taking time to think about it yourself. You are experiencing gay- or bisexual-shame. This is common and I remember regretting telling my wife that I was bisexual initially. Over time, I came to realize that I wasn't bisexual but gay; however, that is not the case for everyone and you may discover that you are indeed bisexual.

Wanting to share that and explore it with your wife isn't something about which you should feel shame. I remember feeling trepidation after telling her and worrying that she would think I'm less than a man or that she wasn't capable of keeping me happy. You have to recognize that she may be feeling some insecurity now as well.

Keep the lines of communication open, keep talking about it, explaining it, but don't deny it or try to go back on what you said. Own it. It shouldn't ruin your marriage and if you are afraid it will, you might need to take some time and question why such an innocuous revelation should end your marriage.

Hang in there, bud. It will get better.

 

I'm glad things have settled down for you. Both you and your wife need time to process all of this. Try to stay focused and take things one step at a time. Try to go to bed early and get some rest.

You mentioned that you are seeing a couples therapist, so it's good that you have that in place. Do you have your own therapist? If not it may make sense to find an LGBT therapist to help you work through the issues. Specifically, to help with your anxious thoughts and address the shame about being bisexual.

Again try to stay focused and take things one step at a time. Things will get better.

 

Acceptance should come most importantly from yourself. I hope you could take away the self-loathing as this will only cause more problems to you than any person. Being Bisexual/Gay/Pan or whatever is nothing to be ashamed of. Being out needs getting used to, though.

I hope you can learn to be at ease of yourself very soon.

Goodluck!