I am new where and have come here as part of my self exploration in trying to figure out who I really am. For over 50 years I have always been who others expect me to be and have never really stopped and figured out who I really am. And now it is a struggle to distinguish between what I really feel and believe and what I have been brainwashed think and believe. I was raised Mormon, so those of you who know about the Mormon religion, will already know where I am coming from. I did everything a good mormon boy was suppose to do. Church all the time, served a full-time mission, married in the temple, four kids, etc. Did everything I was suppose to do, except figure out who I really am. I did have one problem growing up in the mormon religions that caused me tremendous guilt, my whole life. Some where around age 12 I started masturbating. Didn't know what it was when I started doing it. Then after about year I figured out what it was and how evil you were (per the mormon church) if you masturbated. So every time I masturbated, I would feel tremendous guilt and vow to stop, but guess what I couldn't and I would do it again, and then feel the tremendous guilt again. The vicious cycle continued for years. Of course being raised mormon I was taught how bad the LGBT life style was and I bought in to that thinking. It wasn't until the last few years when I finally started questioning the mormon church, that I realized their treatment of the LGBT community and individuals was totally wrong. I totally changed my attitude and felt ashamed that it took me so long. It was during this period that I started to remember a few instances in my childhood that started me questioning who I really was and if I would have made different choices, if I had been allowed to think differently. I remembered when I was about 13 having a friend sleep over and we would get naked together and spoon together while we sleep. I remember how I really liked that and wanted to do more but was afraid too. I had total suppressed those memories. As I began having these memories it make it made me think more and more about, who I really am and what I may have chosen if I had allowed myself the opportunity. Then a few years ago as I was walking down the road a guy passed me as he as jogging and I happen to notice how fine his chest looked, so toned and tanned. Suddenly I realized that I was hard and excited. Once again something else that is added to the shelf of who am I really? I did once, a couple of year ago, when my wife and I were living apart because of work, have the opportunity to spend an evening together with another man. We starting kissing, then undressed each other and continued making out. I suck on his cock and it just felt so right to have it in my mouth, it was like a perfect fit. However, after I went off, I had the tremendous guilt I use to have when I masturbated. He left and I felt guilt for days about spending time with a guy. But now I just remember how good that all felt and how much I enjoyed being with with. Where I am today? I don't really know. My wife and I have very little sex and I can only get hard with the help of viagra. Or I have found that I can get hard and have sex with her if I imagine I am doing with a man. I have found I get more excited looking at gay porn than straight porn. I don't know whether this means I have changed on scale or if it is the excitement of the forbidden fruit. Any thoughts,suggestions, or advice?
Welcome to EC! Judging solely from your one post - because, honestly, what else could I judge by? - it sounds like you're at least bisexual. It's not uncommon for a couple to "lose the spark" as the years go by, but if it were simply a matter of that, fantasizing about other women would probably be just as exciting as fantasizing about other men. The forbidden fruit factor probably comes into play to some degree - it's not uncommon to 'push boundaries" when fantasizing to kick the excitement up another notch or three. But couple in your encounter with another man, and how it still excites you...yeah, let's go with (at least) bisexual. The main question then because not "what am I?" Because you are a man who (at the very least) finds the prospect of having sex with another man exciting. You still seem to have a lot of that built-in guilt going on associated with it, but it hasn't quelled the desire. Instead, the main question is "well, now what?" Do you want to stay where you are? In a (mainly sexless) marriage? Do you want to see about opening it up? Do you want to learn to embrace your same-sex attraction side more (without acting on it)? Lex
Hi Wondering55, Welcome to EC :welcome: You'll find this to be a wonderful community to help you work through the questions about your sexuality. I am not Mormon, but I grew up in the same generation as you in a conservative community without any positive gay role models. Like you, I grew up being what others expected me to be. A wonderful boy. The perfect son. I felt strong pressure to be "normal" - to be the perfect husband with a house in the suburbs and a white picket fence. Even though I felt attractions to other guys as early as 6th grade, I was able to redirect and rationalize them. For example, I was envious of cute guys in high school with girlfriends because I thought that I wanted a girlfriend. In hindsight I wanted the guy but did not know how to properly interpret the signal at the time. I was the classic case of denial. We're talking deep freeze denial. At midlife I felt a sense of deep longing when I would see a cute guy. I started to listen to what my heart was telling me. Eventually I stopped pretending and figured out that I was not straight. Before I could come out I had to overcome the internalized homophobia that I picked up when I was younger and give myself permission to be gay. I began to accept and love myself as a gay man. I have a feeling your heart is telling you something similar ...
Hello there Wondering55! I too am new here, discovering and registering only yesterday. I am so excited to have found this site I've been on it almost constantly since yesterday. There are so many questions that need answered. Also like you grew up in a surrounding that promoted the degradation of nearly any outsiders, especially homosexuals. This has carried and pummeled my beliefs through the years fueling my intense self-hatred and feeling that anything not missionary with my wife is wrong and deserving of self-abuse. While in my teens and young twenties I tried to kill the shame and somehow make excuses for homosexual activities through substance abuse. It worked in that I was so messed up I hardly remember much through those years. It also worked in making me not motivated to become anything because I wasn't worth anything and all I did was worth nothing. Never able to live up or reconcile. So my first question I want answered is how to accept myself and recognize what my own beliefs and morals are, then separate those from the ones my surroundings instilled in me? Like most young men I started masturbating around 12/13 and even before then I had what I now recognize as an emergence of homosexuality. My friend and I would dance around naked with each other in front of a video camera and then watch it. After that it was us rolling around playing a game while naked. Then with other friends we would masturbate to adult videos, eventually helping each other. One of these friends I started having casual sexual encounters with. We are still friends and he is consistently one person I go to when I'm having a hard time. This all continued for about 10 years with me having several relationships with women, only one that was sexual and also several men (all of them sexual), excluding friendships. Next is once I have accepted myself and my beliefs, where do I go from here? I got married to a wonderful woman at 23, have two wonderful children and have been sober (or at least not abusing substances) since then. Several years ago I started having severe depression and suicidal thoughts (one attempt). Not surprisingly it was coinciding with my reemerging feelings and longing to be with another man. I hadn't thought about it much for about three or four years. She has helped me so much on this road and I have always been upfront about all of it. I too watch pornography (less often now), mostly homosexual and always more excited by watching men. Since my attempt I have been going to counseling and attending depression/anxiety groups while taking medication. I believe the depression and anxiety stem from my low self worth and anger towards my parents/religion for shoving negative beliefs down an impressionable young man's throat, because I can never be good enough and that my homosexual behavior and attractions have made me a disgusting, worthless person. I know that's all untrue and I have much evidence to support that I am a wonderful person capable of being full of love and appreciation of life. However I still have those lingering beliefs weighing me down and making it seem as if I can make it all just go away. Feeding the notion that I can stay in the terrible shape I'm in that is so comfortable to me. In all things regarding life, knowing and believing are very different. If I am rambling and jumping around not making sense I apologize. I am just recently starting to realize and begin what I need to do for myself and my family, so I am greatly confused and questioning so much. I have tried to come out before, only to push it back down inside and disregard it as a removable part of me. My wife has said many times I need to clear off my shelf because it is obviously breaking. She is so supportive in all of this and has been an integral part of me actually wanting to get the help I need and recognize who I am. When I met her I thought my problems were substance abuse and laziness. Those were merely symptoms, and she recognized that from the beginning. As for your situation, I think being truthful with yourself is the first step. Realizing your own beliefs and what you really want. Then, when you are ready, be truthful with her and begin to talk with her and let the decision on how to react be hers alone. Counseling has helped me and perhaps it may be beneficial to you as well. It's always a leap of faith when confronting spouses, family members and even friends about subjects. Change, I have seen, is a terribly frightening experience for most people. Then you can, hopefully with your wife and her support, begin on becoming the person you are and can be. There is so much more to say and ask. I just hope what I have put out there is even remotely helpful. You are not alone. You can do this.
